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Hey peps. My name is Carey, I'm 27 and I'm from New Zealand. I'm new to this forum and thought it could be cool to hear what random believers out there in the world have to say.

So this is the situation. I've been going with a girl for about 2 years now. Most of the time we have been serious, and early this year we ended it. It was about August we got back together again. since then, it hasn't been "official", but rather we were courting. We both agree if we do make it official - we will get married. Shes an amazing person, who I'm so stoked to have in my life..I couldn't ask for someone better!!

I'm definitly keen to marry her. But she's sooooo confused if she wants to marry me or not. She likes me, shes attracted to me, she says I'll be the perfect husband/father for her, she says I've got EVERYTHING that she wants/needs in a guy. We are also best mates. I just don't understand why she can't commit or why shes confused about it. Although she thinks all these awesome things about me, she continues to say "but will I be happy with you forever"....."Are you really the one for me". Grrr its sooo annoying and frustrating!!  She also is very unsettled and wants to leave town and venture off. Shes very career focused and just wants to get away.

There maybe a few factors to take into account. Her parents are divorced, her dad rejects her, she finds it hard to trust guys, and also some spiritual stuff going on too.

The situation is sooo confusing and I wish she would just make her mind up. She is a very decisive person and knows what she wants in life. You can't just tell her to make her mind up on this one though....she actually is confused. Last night she told me "what if I commit to you and then find out we weren't suppost to get married"....or what if I let you go and then find out I was supposed to marry you??"

Because shes confused, is that a sign that we aren't suppost to get married?..shouldn't she be stoked??. I just don't get it that shes sure she wants to marry a guy like me, but she can't commit. Even sucks to know shes keen to move away!!!!

Thanks for reading, and any advice would be sweet as!!

Carey        

Hi and welcome.My husband is from your part of the world (Australia actually)
My advice is let her go. If a person was unsure about wanting to marry me, I wouldn't persue it. I would want a person who is 100% sure and 100% committed to me.
She seems so unsettled and do you really want to be engaged/married to her if she is always going to be doubting and wondering if there is someone else out there? I think it would be a disaster for you if she agreed without really wanting to. I think you need to let her go and travel and do whatever she wants to do, and who knows, she may come back  later and want to marry you, or maybe God has another lovely Christian girl for you out there and this girl isn't the one for you anyway.

My husband spent 23 years married to a lady who said that she never should have married him and never really loved him and it is soul destroying. You deserve a girl who is over the moon about  marrying you as  as I was with my husband. Believe me, I had NO doubts with him right from the start. There is a reason why you have already broken up with her once this year.
Pray and ask god what to do, but my advice is tell her to go and travel and get on with her career and see what God will do in your life.He doesn't want you to marry a girl who isn't sure you are what she wants, that just isn't right. if she wants to travel and persue her career more than she wants you then that sort of says it all really.

you might be ready to marry, but obviously, she's not.  Until then, wouldn't it be foolish to marry?  She needs to get "stabilized" in a few critical things.  Until then, hold back, or the saying will be true: marriage is like a cafeteria -- take just what looks really good, and pay for it further down the line!   A joke, yes.  Truth to it?  Yes.  Foundation for life?  No.  Prudence is appropriate.

To come at it from a different tack...
If you were a manager, and placed an add for a job opening to be filled, and got a hundred applicants for one job, on what basis would you choose the prospective employee?  looks?  age?  color of eyes?  length of hair?  gender?  how they smile?

No.  you would choose them on their qualifications for the job.  You might narrow it down to a half dozen by this, but then you must choose one of them.  Considering that they appear to be fairly equal in qualifications for the job, the interview would be the determining factor, tipping the scale in favor of one over the other few, based upon "chemistry" for fitting in with the rest of the crew, or based upon values/character of the person.

If this is critical for a company, how much more so for a marriage?  They must meet all of your criteria for a mate.  Do not ignore one area of lacking, as that will become a problem in the future, make no mistake.  There are critical things that you can't compromise on.  figure them out, and write them down.  Do not compromise on them.  Period.  There are things that you don't consider critical, but would be nice.  figure them out.  Do not make them a requirement!   Basically, if the person is missing a requirement, then they are disqualified, no matter how attracted to them you are.  Drop them immediately, lest your emotions overrule your common sense, and you both pay for it dearly.  If the person is missing a thing that is of value, but not required, fine ... unless they are missing a few of them.  They add up, you know, and become hard to put up with when there is more than one.  Common sense on this.
So dating should be to see if the person is being real or trying to impress you.  If the latter, they are not dependable and are insecure, and are to be avoided.  If they are confident and don't try to impress you, and let you see them as they are, then check them out to see if they meet your requirements.  Two dates suffice for this.  If they don't, then don't be sooooooooo naive as to think that you can play with fire and not get burned!  Politely excuse yourself from further interaction, and go looking elsewhere.  It's really just that simple.

To not do this is to set yourself up for marital grief and divorce.  Companies understand this necessity.  Single people should too.  Which is more important -- business or marriage?!!!!!

If you think that she will change, you are admitting that she isn't eligible!  Not negotiable logically.  If you think that you can "help" her or changer her, you are admitting that she isn't eligible!  Not negotiable logically.  If you think that she has problems, you are admitting that she isn't eligible!  Not getotiable logically.  Hence, if any of these be true, then how is the person just right for you?!!!  Do the math. 

It sounds to me as though you have let your emotions blind you to the truth about some things here.  She's ahead of you on this one, pal.  It would be wise to step back like she is doing, and reconsider it all, without your emotions getting in the way.  and to do this, you need to firgure some of these things out on your own.

Hope that helps.

Hey thanks for the replys!!..very interesting and its made me think from a different angle.

What I'm getting so far is to move on and let her go because she is uncertain. I would never enter into marriage with her being uncertain. But because of her background with her Dad rejecting her a few issues like that, is it worth being a little bit patient and understanding while she decides?..I mean, I won't be a doormat and hang out for ever. She may just require a little bit of time and the possibility for some healing.


hmmm 

Quote from: cezza57 on Wed Oct 07, 2009 - 23:18:57
Hey thanks for the replys!!..very interesting and its made me think from a different angle.

What I'm getting so far is to move on and let her go because she is uncertain. I would never enter into marriage with her being uncertain. But because of her background with her Dad rejecting her a few issues like that, is it worth being a little bit patient and understanding while she decides?..I mean, I won't be a doormat and hang out for ever. She may just require a little bit of time and the possibility for some healing.


hmmm 

I think the point you are missing is that a wife is supposed to respect her husband.
What that means is that she has to (of her own choice and not because you demand it) respect and look up to you as the leader of the family.

But

She is concerned about her own needs of adventure and fulfillment. That usually precludes family, stability, and kids.

BUT

Maybe in the short run you could entice her with some promises to let her fulfil some of those dreams of hers...at least allow her to make an attempt together...that is unless you have some kind of pressing goal in mind.

Quote from: cezza57 on Wed Oct 07, 2009 - 23:18:57
Hey thanks for the replys!!..very interesting and its made me think from a different angle.

What I'm getting so far is to move on and let her go because she is uncertain. I would never enter into marriage with her being uncertain. But because of her background with her Dad rejecting her a few issues like that, is it worth being a little bit patient and understanding while she decides?..I mean, I won't be a doormat and hang out for ever. She may just require a little bit of time and the possibility for some healing.


hmmm 

well just to say that I had been badly hurt by men and it didnt stop me from knowing very soon that I wanted to marry my husband and I never doubted it for a second. I know that we are all different but you need to decide what you will do if you are still waiting for another year, or two years or more. When will you give up?.You are 27 now, still quite young but you cant wait forever.

It seems to me that maybe she is a person who may always think that the grass is greener on the other side, and that is NOT good. Someone like that may never settle  or committ 'just in case' . That is a horrible way to live as you will never be content with what you have.If she isnt sure now I wonder if she ever will be.

I think that to tell her that she needs to do what she wants to do, and until she is 100% certain you will stay away. Its almost as if she is wanting to hedge her bets and keep you just in case she decides that you are the one for her, but in the meantime she needs to realise that you may well meet someone else who WILL want you 100%.

I think now of my son(a little older than you) and his girlfriend of 18 months, and they are head over heels in love and plan to marry next yerar, No doubts there and they knew almost straight away that they were going to marry.

Pleae pray about it and ask God to make it clear to you what to do.

c57:

Do you pray and read the Bible together already?

That is important.

If you love her, be patient with her.  Letting her go is probably the biggest mistake you can make.   If it is meant to be, she will commit, but if not, it is important that you do right by her no matter what.

Have you been praying over this?  Have you tried praying together?

In Christ,
KP

has it ever occured to you that she may not be the one God wants for you? I know you love her and seem keen to marry her, but it is possible that her hesitation is becuase she isnt the right one for you and you arent the right one for her? What is your gut instinct way down inside? What do you feel God is telling you to do?
My feeling is that if she still isnt sure now then she may well never be sure.What will change in the next year or so to change her mind?. It is possible that if you tell her that you  think you need to seperate for the time being, she will KNOW one way or another what she DOES want?. if she thinks that you may end up with another girl, it may make her realise what her feelings for you are, and you will know where you are with her.
I have to say that if a man wasnt sure if he wanted to marry me or not, I would assume that he wasnt the one for me. We all need someone who wants us 100% and not someone who isnt sure if they do ir not. That is quite rejecting and hurtful.

Hey thanks again for all your advice. I do read them all and take in everything you all are saying.

I had a talk with her tonight. She actually said that she hopes and wants to marry me. She is still confused as to what she wants RIGHT now, but she does see a future with us. She wants God to bring us together in the right time. So I guess that aint all bad news eh?!. Also next week we both are sitting down with our pastor and discussing all this.

So she says that she wants God to bring you together at the right time, so as far as she is concerned that time isnt now. So maybe you guys needs to have a break from each other until that right time comes (or doesnt come). I guess it depends on how long you are prepared to wait. if after a year she still feels the same what will you do? or two years?
I really think she needs to go and do the things that she wants to such as travelling and concentrating on her career, so that later on she wont feel resentful that she never got the chance to do theses things. Maybe you will drift apart and maybe you wont but as long as you ask God to make it REALLY clear if she is the one for you and you are totally open to Him, then whatever happens will be the best thing for you.

I have been married to a man who wasnt who God wanted for me ( I got married before I was a Christian) and am now married to a man who definetly IS Gods choice for me and believe me, God DOES know what is best for us. he is the BEST matchmaker and to ignore his leadings is not a good idea.

I hope thast your pastor is listening to God and that the meeting with him will really help you decide what to do.
God Bless.

Quote from: cezza57 on Fri Oct 09, 2009 - 04:39:29
Hey thanks again for all your advice. I do read them all and take in everything you all are saying.

I had a talk with her tonight. She actually said that she hopes and wants to marry me. She is still confused as to what she wants RIGHT now, but she does see a future with us. She wants God to bring us together in the right time. So I guess that aint all bad news eh?!. Also next week we both are sitting down with our pastor and discussing all this.

I'm glad to hear you are talking and talking to you pastor.  both of you will be in my prayers.

in Christ,
KP