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We are having major marriage issues.  I had an affair 6 years ago that I thought everything was OK but my wife never got over.  She wanted to go to counseling at that time but I would not.  She recently had an old boyfriend contact her on the internet and they had an email affair and she met with him once.  This was a wake up call for me, I had drifted away from God and thought I could do just fine running my life I was wrong.  We are seeing a counselor now she is just so confused and does not know what she wants.  She says she has always been in love with the other person and has never felt like that about me and does not know if she ever will.  We have been married for 13 years as I told her there are 3 things you can do, divorce, settle for something or work to have a better marriage than ever before.  My choice is to work and make it better.  At times the harder I try the more she pulls back.  Her mind is really confused right now and at times she does not care about anything.  In her mind if she is in Love it is all about a feeling that she does not have for me.  We just need extra prayer and I need a little extra direction.  Thanks for listening.

As you know, it is all about the heart.  We cannot change the heart.  We can seek to guide it a bit, or to direct it a bit, but that is the utmost that we can do.  And often, we can totally botch doing that!  And it backfires.  Trust in the Lord.  Wait on Him.  And He will direct your paths.  May she have a change of heart.

Go in grace.

Well Biblically she can divorce you. I dont think I personally could ever get over such a betrayal and couldnt trust again, but some do. Maybe she is one of those who just cannot, and this has obviously deeply affected her feelings for you. if a person has shattered your trust it is bound to change your feelings for them. You may not be able to open up or let yourself be vulnerable again.

You want to carry on and try, and at this point, she doesnt. You can only pray and carry on with the counselling. She may or not be in love with this other guy, but there is a reason why they broke up, and sometimes we forget the bad times and only remember the good in past relationships.
The decision is hers, so just ease off any pressure and give her space to decide what she wants to do.  
There are consequenses to sin and yours may be that you loose your wife, but she is still with you and is going to counselling so all is not lost and there is still hope.

  The little things mean so much to women.  Write her love notes.  Do some of her least favorite chores for her.  Try to make her smile or laugh at least twice a day.  Do NOT show any distrust in her.  Show interest in her interests, but give her space.  No booze or drugs for you, you need to be available to her at all times.  Make your sacrifices for her obvious without speaking of it.  You can lightly speak of your sacrifices for her at the counseling. 

Just my two cents,
                               God bless you,
                                                       Don

It is so hard sometimes to give her space I feel I am loosing and I know that is wrong.  I do give her cards every day and flowers at least once a week to let her know I love her.  She says this is just a knee jerk reaction  to what she did.  I have explained to her that I have to be a different person from this point forward if I ever have a chance in this marriage and she says it will not last.  She says she is done and dont really know what she wants but does not want to be alone and that is not fair to me she says.  I told her that was my choice to stay or go and I choose to stay there is always hope.  She just had a feeling for this other person that she does not have or ever had for me, he was married when they had their first affair.  My desire at this point is for God's will be done not mine and it is just so hard to stand by and not try to help.  I have tried that before and it just makes it worse when I get self involved.  Thank you for the feedback keep us in your prayers.

hang in there.

Thanks for the support.

The fear of being alone is not good reason for her to either stay with you or go to be with him. She maybe needs to learn to manage alone and not to jump from one relationship into another. That is a recipe for disaster.This other guy wont make her happy, after all, has already been unfaithful to his wife with her before.
Is she a christian?
Her feelings for this man are the ones that you get when you have an affair, ie excitment, lust, that "in love" feeling that doesn't last forever. In marriage that love calms down and changes, and it will do that even if she goes to be with that other man.
When you said that she has also been the "other woman" in her first affair, I did wonder why she seems to think that what she did is any different from what you did. She, as well as you, have messed up and she also needs to repent for her betrayal of that mans first wife. yes even to say sorry to her personally (maybe in a letter) as you have apologised to her. I wonder if their affair was the cause of his marriage break up?
It seems that she is seeking her "knight in shining armor" but she will never find him especially in this other man.  

Carry on with the counselling. It is all a big mess, but God is able to clear up the biggest mess if we are both willing to change and try.

He actually went  back to his wife and has been married for the last 30 years.  He said he has always loved her and always will.  She remembers that excitement that she felt and says still does that she does not feel that with me.  My thought is as we grow love changes and I remember all the good times and she remembers all the bad times.  In the last 5-6 years we disconnected and just survived more or less as roomates mainly my fault.  We put on a good front outside the home and at church and now I believe with Gods help it can be better than it ever was.  One of the forums I read earlier said I am to love her as Christ loves us so at this point I take it one hour and one day at a time until Gods will is done.  At this point I am working on my realtionship and addressing my issues and problems to make me a better person which will in turn make me a better husband.  We all know that prayer changes things and I thank you all for your feedback, support and prayers.

Sounds like your old affair is now cover for a different matter. Its not the "push" of the affiar, its the "pull" of greener grass so to speak.