Christian Forums

Based on the differing appetites thread, I have noticed four groups being talked about:

1)  Man's needs not met...man cheats
2)  Man's needs not met...man doesn't cheat
3)  Man's needs met...man cheats
4)  Man's needs met...man doesn't cheat

Before I go on, I know the same could be said in the opposite, I am just going for simplicity here.

My question is, are there any statistics out here on this?  Personally, I know men and women in each group.  It has been alleged that a person is more likely to cheat if their needs are not being met.  Do the statistics bear this out, or are we each left to our own personal experiences and those of our friends and aquaintances.

In Christ,
KP

In the world's thinking, anything is an excuse for self-indulgence.

(But the world's thinking shouldn't be the pilgrim church's thinking.)

I found a source on the Oprah site.

A marriage counselor M.Gary Neuman resercehd for 20 years to answer the why men cheat question. Here is a quote from that interview.

QuoteWhat's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex. "The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife."

With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it's easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself. "[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued."

K-pappy,

As you may know, I work with Joe Beam in a marriage ministry and he's been working specifically with marriages in crisis since 1993 or so. Based on our experience with marriages in crisis, about 60 percent of those specifically shared that an affair had happened in their marriage.

The reasons as to why are difficult to determine primarily because even the people who cheat don't necessarily know what "caused" them to have an affair.

However, in the majority of cases with the men who cheat, their wives admitted to a lack of interest in sex on their part. The men would most of the time state the same thing but I wanted to point out that their wives almost always agree that things had been weak and infrequent in that area. MANY women who cheat express a loss of sex as well, though the number one reason is often "emotional distance" and other things that aren't quite as specific. They most always state lack of quantity and quality of sex as at least a supportive influence in their cheating.

It's not justification or reason for someone to have an affair, but it certainly leaves someone vulnerable. That's why Paul said, "Since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife and each wife her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Paul didn't chastise them for being "selfish" or "self indulgent." He was just real and logical. We are human and need to use common sense. Sex drives, when healthy, are very strong things and if needs are met the temptation will be there to seek fulfillment elsewhere. Often times it's the "love" that is felt for the person being cheated with that drops the defenses because it doesn't "feel" wrong. Again, not justification, reason or an excuse, just reality.

It's also revealing that women who don't list sex as a very high need who aren't having it often with their husbands often become sexual tigresses with the men they're cheating with. That seems to suggest that often times if sex is out of mind and we don't think it's a need that it still is and the lack of it happening harms the relationship with us realizing it.

Anyway...just remember that even Paul, who was far more disciplined than most of us can even imagine, saw the vulnerability and reacted with common sense and practicality instead of idealism. 

Quote from: k-pappy on Sat Oct 24, 2009 - 22:44:32
Based on the differing appetites thread, I have noticed four groups being talked about:

1)  Man's needs not met...man cheats
2)  Man's needs not met...man doesn't cheat
3)  Man's needs met...man cheats
4)  Man's needs met...man doesn't cheat

Before I go on, I know the same could be said in the opposite, I am just going for simplicity here.

My question is, are there any statistics out here on this?  Personally, I know men and women in each group.  It has been alleged that a person is more likely to cheat if their needs are not being met.  Do the statistics bear this out, or are we each left to our own personal experiences and those of our friends and aquaintances.

In Christ,
KP

I don't know about those specific groups but I heard recently that 60% of married men have an affair at some time and 40% of married women so that is approx 50% of married people overall have affairs. That is a huge number isn't it.
Its hard to believe that all of these affairs are because their 'needs' weren't being met. Also what does not meeting out 'needs' mean anyway?
.
I have heard women say that their husbands weren't meeting their 'emotional 'needs.What exactly does that mean, as after all our spouses aren't actually supposed to meet all of our needs anyway. That's why we have God and family and friends. No one person can possibly meet all of our needs and after all aren't we supposed to be more concerned with meeting our spouses needs anyway?
I do think people have got so selfish and are always after having their needs met and not thinking of what they can do to others.

Many do use this as an excuse to leave/divorce their spouse as anyone can just say, "well my needs weren't being met", but that certainly is no reason to leave or divorce our spouse.

QUOTE CHOSEN ONE:Many do use this as an excuse to leave/divorce their spouse as anyone can just say, "well my needs weren't being met", but that certainly is no reason to leave or divorce our spouse. END QUOTE

Most men who cheat dont leave their wives.(for the other woman)..Bad news for the "other woman" I would say.Most women who are cheated on by their husbands do not initiate divorce because of that fact.

Love

Dallas

Ms dallas, & others:

Paul uses the term: defraud, in 1 Corinthians 7. 'Do not defraud...', not allowing the spouse to have what they deserve.

I don't know about women, although I do agree with the statistic that 40% of wives cheat - I'm sure that's pretty close.  But men on the other hand - they cheat for any number of reasons.  Placed in positions of authority and respect, they begin to believe all that is said about them, i.e 'you're so great, you really are important to me, blah blah blah.... These things may be true - but if a person doesn't 'guard their heart' and remember that they have feet of clay, stinky feet at that.... they become vulnerable to the women who seduce with their words.  Affairs are all about fantasy anyway.  The enticement is the cloak of secrecy, the thrill of it.  It's not real life.  It's not bills, broken water heaters, crying babies, body odor, dirty dishes - you name all the things that make up 'life' and it's exactly the opposite.  It's sweet words, stolen moments, hotels with room service, cards, gifts etc.....

Men will always be vulnerable to adoring, appreciating, needy women.  If you don't have the proper boundaries up within all  relationships with the opposite sex anyone could fall into this trap. 

I guess women are vulnerable in the same way.  Everyone likes to hear nice things said to them. The boundaries need to be in place in every situation or tragedy could happen.  Communicaton would seem to be the key - keep speaking and appreciating and showing love to our spouses. 

"Love and Respect" by Emmert Eggerichs is an awesome book.  Worthwhile reading and definitely worth putting into practice. 

Of course some men are just plain arrogant and feel a tremendous sense of entitlement.  And some women are just 'strange women' as scripture calls them, ready to devour.

And of course there is always 'pleasure in sin for a season'.

Quote from: haveahope on Sun Oct 25, 2009 - 16:48:40
.....Men will always be vulnerable to adoring, appreciating, needy women.  If you don't have the proper boundaries up within all  relationships with the opposite sex anyone could fall into this trap. 

I guess women are vulnerable in the same way.  Everyone likes to hear nice things said to them. The boundaries need to be in place in every situation or tragedy could happen.  Communicaton would seem to be the key - keep speaking and appreciating and showing love to our spouses.......

Exactly!  I would like to just add one thing, even with my first wife being unfaithful I kept my boundaries with the opposite sex where they should be so there was NO situation where the temptation could lead to sin in that way.  I'm sure I could have justified about anything I wanted, according to the world, because of what she was doing. 

It boils down to this, we ALL will answer for what we have done (good or bad, the Bible says 2 Corinthians 5:10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.), I have done enough in my lifetime that I will already be answering for and I can live a very happy life without adding more to it.

It's just like the situation I am dealing with now with my S/O, it seems like no one has any FEAR of God anymore.  She says she knows she is wrong, knows it is a sin what she is doing, knows she is bringing shame to our church and family but she is doing it anyways and, "God will just forgive me". 

Quote from: farouk on Sun Oct 25, 2009 - 15:01:19
Ms dallas, & others:

Paul uses the term: defraud, in 1 Corinthians 7. 'Do not defraud...', not allowing the spouse to have what they deserve.

I agree with that.

But who gets to "decide" what they deserve"?

Love

Dallas

Ms dallas:

It's more a case of both knowing that the other deserves it.

Quote from: dallasapple on Sun Oct 25, 2009 - 19:05:26

Quote from: farouk on Sun Oct 25, 2009 - 15:01:19
Ms dallas, & others:

Paul uses the term: defraud, in 1 Corinthians 7. 'Do not defraud...', not allowing the spouse to have what they deserve.

I agree with that.

But who gets to "decide" what they deserve"?

Love

Dallas

Quote from: dallasapple on Sun Oct 25, 2009 - 14:58:03
QUOTE CHOSEN ONE:Many do use this as an excuse to leave/divorce their spouse as anyone can just say, "well my needs weren't being met", but that certainly is no reason to leave or divorce our spouse. END QUOTE

Most men who cheat dont leave their wives.(for the other woman)..Bad news for the "other woman" I would say.Most women who are cheated on by their husbands do not initiate divorce because of that fact.

Love

Dallas

My husbands ex cheated AND divorced him.I honestly dont think he would have divorced her, if she had repented, but she didnt.
I do actually know 3 women personally who did divorce their husbands for this, but I also know the same number of men who divorced thei wives for the same reason. I also know several who left their spouse for another and divorced them so that they could marry the other person. (I do seem to know an awful lot of divorced people I have to say,and many of them are from my family or my ex husbands family)

I am quite surprised that most women dont divorce their husbands for adultery. For me, at least, that would definately signal the ending of my marriage, but we are all different of course.

Quote from: haveahope on Sun Oct 25, 2009 - 16:48:40
I don't know about women, although I do agree with the statistic that 40% of wives cheat - I'm sure that's pretty close.  But men on the other hand - they cheat for any number of reasons.  Placed in positions of authority and respect, they begin to believe all that is said about them, i.e 'you're so great, you really are important to me, blah blah blah.... These things may be true - but if a person doesn't 'guard their heart' and remember that they have feet of clay, stinky feet at that.... they become vulnerable to the women who seduce with their words.  Affairs are all about fantasy anyway.  The enticement is the cloak of secrecy, the thrill of it.  It's not real life.  It's not bills, broken water heaters, crying babies, body odor, dirty dishes - you name all the things that make up 'life' and it's exactly the opposite.  It's sweet words, stolen moments, hotels with room service, cards, gifts etc.....

Men will always be vulnerable to adoring, appreciating, needy women.  If you don't have the proper boundaries up within all  relationships with the opposite sex anyone could fall into this trap. 

I guess women are vulnerable in the same way.  Everyone likes to hear nice things said to them. The boundaries need to be in place in every situation or tragedy could happen.  Communicaton would seem to be the key - keep speaking and appreciating and showing love to our spouses. 

"Love and Respect" by Emmert Eggerichs is an awesome book.  Worthwhile reading and definitely worth putting into practice. 

Of course some men are just plain arrogant and feel a tremendous sense of entitlement.  And some women are just 'strange women' as scripture calls them, ready to devour.

And of course there is always 'pleasure in sin for a season'.

Yes I am a great advocate of strict boundaries within a marriage, especially in the area of the opposite sex. All of the affairs in our families have happened with people at work so I think that is a very vulnerable area.Of course there need to be boundaries at church also, which is sad but affairs do happen there as well. Its interesting that if women work, then the rates for adultery go right up as opposed to women who dont.
Of course either spouse can break those boundaries but hopefully if they are applied then that opening to temptation wont actually happen in the first place.

Quote from: UtahDad on Sun Oct 25, 2009 - 18:53:28

Quote from: haveahope on Sun Oct 25, 2009 - 16:48:40
.....Men will always be vulnerable to adoring, appreciating, needy women.  If you don't have the proper boundaries up within all  relationships with the opposite sex anyone could fall into this trap. 

I guess women are vulnerable in the same way.  Everyone likes to hear nice things said to them. The boundaries need to be in place in every situation or tragedy could happen.  Communicaton would seem to be the key - keep speaking and appreciating and showing love to our spouses.......

Exactly!  I would like to just add one thing, even with my first wife being unfaithful I kept my boundaries with the opposite sex where they should be so there was NO situation where the temptation could lead to sin in that way.  I'm sure I could have justified about anything I wanted, according to the world, because of what she was doing. 

It boils down to this, we ALL will answer for what we have done (good or bad, the Bible says 2 Corinthians 5:10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.), I have done enough in my lifetime that I will already be answering for and I can live a very happy life without adding more to it.

It's just like the situation I am dealing with now with my S/O, it seems like no one has any FEAR of God anymore.  She says she knows she is wrong, knows it is a sin what she is doing, knows she is bringing shame to our church and family but she is doing it anyways and, "God will just forgive me". 

well she is treading on VERY thin ice. He wont forgive unless she is TRULY repentant and willing to stop and change.

It's also revealing that women who don't list sex as a very high need who aren't having it often with their husbands often become sexual tigresses with the men they're cheating with. That seems to suggest that often times if sex is out of mind and we don't think it's a need that it still is and the lack of it happening harms the relationship with us realizing it.


This always puzzles me. We are taught , quite literally, that "women CANT just do it". I say, Au contrare, YES THEY CAN, at the drop of a motel room key!

Dont even tell me this dude was "lighting the pilot light" in the morning so "the oven will be hot at night"....balderdash-aloney!

The preacher never fails to 'coach' the poor ignorant men about how we need to basically grovel for days on end and arrange an environment beyond perfect and take care of any and every potential worry and distraction so that she can (spoken breathlessly) "give herself fully to you"...

Or you could just call up and say "hey, meet me at no tell motel in 5 minutes, we got time baby"

The bottom line is that these problems happen because our spiritual needs are not being met.  We grossly underestimate what that hole in our heart can do to us in the physical realm.  We still look to human beings to fill those needs rather than to Christ.

I don't think it was that God moved, so I guess we have to look in the mirror.

Quote from: farouk on Sun Oct 25, 2009 - 15:01:19
Ms dallas, & others:

Paul uses the term: defraud, in 1 Corinthians 7. 'Do not defraud...', not allowing the spouse to have what they deserve.

None of us "deserve" anything. 

Paul was speaking of the right to a legal heir, which is what was owed by the marriage contract.  This was the 'defrauding' part.

No...thats not correct. Take the scriptures "down the ladder"....defraud is explicitly used in connection to sexual activity. It shouldnt matter, since as you have hastened to point out, its not a command. He was using perhaps hyperbolic language to show how strongly he felt about it.

Quote from: BAH-BLAH on Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 08:12:01
No...thats not correct. Take the scriptures "down the ladder"....defraud is explicitly used in connection to sexual activity. It shouldnt matter, since as you have hastened to point out, its not a command. He was using perhaps hyperbolic language to show how strongly he felt about it.

IT may not be a command as you say Bah-blah, but it is there for a reason and that is becuase it is a BAD idea to withhold sex.

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 08:42:32

Quote from: BAH-BLAH on Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 08:12:01
No...thats not correct. Take the scriptures "down the ladder"....defraud is explicitly used in connection to sexual activity. It shouldnt matter, since as you have hastened to point out, its not a command. He was using perhaps hyperbolic language to show how strongly he felt about it.

IT may not be a command as you say Bah-blah, but it is there for a reason and that is becuase it is a BAD idea to withhold sex.

You ands I agree 100%. I was just trying to find some common ground on the scripture. BUT that someone even WANTS to go mining in scripture for reasons to NOT have sex in marriage is a massive red flag to me.

Quote from: k-pappy on Sat Oct 24, 2009 - 22:44:32
Based on the differing appetites thread, I have noticed four groups being talked about:

1)  Man's needs not met...man cheats
2)  Man's needs not met...man doesn't cheat
3)  Man's needs met...man cheats
4)  Man's needs met...man doesn't cheat

Before I go on, I know the same could be said in the opposite, I am just going for simplicity here.

My question is, are there any statistics out here on this?  Personally, I know men and women in each group.  It has been alleged that a person is more likely to cheat if their needs are not being met.  Do the statistics bear this out, or are we each left to our own personal experiences and those of our friends and aquaintances.

In Christ,
KP

Back to the original point...are there any statistics to back any of those assumptions up? 

In Christ,
KP