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My husband and I are rebuilding trust from his one night stand, I found out 3 years ago, it happened years ago. My concern is there is a guy that we have known for about 4 years (my husband knew of him in high school but reconnected when our kids became friends in school) we have the same hobby so they started going out with us. He is married, has kids, usually is wife and daughters didn't go out with all of us but this guy and his son did (our hobby), anyways about 2 years ago this guys son told our daughter that his dad cheated on his mom and of course told her how upset he was ect, this guy to my knowledge has never discussed any of this with my husband other than at that time he said he was living at his sisters for awhile, fast forward some, he was talking about his wife, not in relation my wife but by her name, he calls her when we are out doing our hobby I don't know what their conversations are but I know he calls. It has bothered me that because my husband has been unfaithful and this guy has I am uncomfortable when they are alone together, I guess what they would be talking about, but since usually I am always there or our kids are with them if I don't go I've been ok with that. Well about 3 mo ago he referred a female that is a co worker of his to my husband (he works at home autos), this guy is always  her ride, when she drops off vehicle and when she picks
up, he has been at her house when my husband has called her and when he has called
him. Again he according to my husband hasn't said anything about his marriage but to us he's still married, it has been really bothering me because back when we wer ein counseling and books I've read have said that a cheating spouse shouldn't hang around someone else who is doing the same, I know it's not contagious but it still makes me uncomfortable, normally my husband isn't alone with him, usually all of us are or at least our kids are. However there are times that he goes out riding alone with him without us or the kids because we can't go but other guys are there it's not just the 2 of them, I also should mention that my husband doesn't "hang" out with him in any other way unless he's working on somehting of his. My question is I know that it's none of my business what his relationships are, so do I just put this in the Lords hands? any advice would be really helpful right now

In putting it in the Lord's hands equates to inaction, then, "No." Your books are exactly right. Cheating husbands or wives should not hang out with each other, and you need to stop it.

thanks for the reply, I have had mixed advise on this all from christians. Some say I can't make my husband do anything and I shouldn't step over into his boundry that it's his decision and if I don't want to be friendly with this person that don't, yes even though he cheated, some have said that I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong in someone elses relationship because we dont know what is going on, and some have said that maybe it's a good thing he's around so if he is cheating or doing inappropriate things one of us could have the opportunity to tell him how harmful that is, (my husband would not do that, he is not a strong Christian and wouldn't do it even though). Others thought it was strange that cheaters shouldn't hang out with cheaters.  Some say that because they don't "hang" out alone, usually me and the kids or our daugher and his son are always there then I shouldn't worry, I think in my opinion but I'm the hurt party that he shouldn't even associate with him. Thanks again for you opinion, there is no way I can get my husband to "stop" something especialliy when he doesn't agree with it, he says this guy hasn't said anything at all to him about any of his relationships so it's none of his business and he doesn't care what's going on because it is none of his business, this guy is merely a "riding' buddy and gives him business.

I think what your husband says is probably true, that they are just riding buddies and no more. Usually men dont discuss the same sort of things that women do, and they probably never ever talk about these things to each other. If there is always someone else with them then I am not sure why you are concerned. I am sure that all they are interested in is their hobby.
Now if you said that his riding partner was a women who had cheated on her husband THEN you may well need to be concerned.
I know it is very hard to trust again after an affair, but I really think this is purely innocent on your husbands part.

thanks chosenone, yes it is very hard to trust after an affair. What bothers me is this guy with this female all the time knowing he is married, maybe he is seperated but he is married and thats wrong, I know it none of our business but at some point he has to say something. I just would be hurt if I were his wife seperated or not. thanks again

yes if he has left his wife for another lady then that is wrong definately and yes his wife must be devastated.Does he bring the other lady along to the rides?. Is he living with her? Is this other guy a Christian? 

Without knowing either of them I would say that married guys generally never talk to each other about relationships, feelings, cheating, or anything that makes them appear immature, incompetent or weak. If a married male friend of mine tried to talk with me about some sexual issue in his marriage or some secret about a woman other than his wife he once had sex with I would think he was an idiot and then find any excuse to never talk to him again. Guys want to appear happy and strong in front of other guys and talking about marriage problems or past infidelity would be awkward and would make the man seem weak (especially if he was caught). Its like one of those man code things...like the unspoken rules on which urinals you use in the public bathroom if one is already being used. If they are meat-headish they might try to prove how macho they are with talk about sex or illicit escapades, but married men talking about affairs only really happens on TV dramas written by women. Its sort of like porn. Guys generally know that other guys look at porn but very few would ever openly talk about it or admit it. Its a pretty safe bet that past affairs will never come up unless they develop some kind of really intimate friendship where they confide in each other with problems, which itself is fairly rare for us lone-wolf males.

Quote from: Logismos on Wed Nov 04, 2009 - 23:20:43
Without knowing either of them I would say that married guys generally never talk to each other about relationships, feelings, cheating, or anything that makes them appear immature, incompetent or weak. If a married male friend of mine tried to talk with me about some sexual issue in his marriage or some secret about a woman other than his wife he once had sex with I would think he was an idiot and then find any excuse to never talk to him again. Guys want to appear happy and strong in front of other guys and talking about marriage problems or past infidelity would be awkward and would make the man seem weak (especially if he was caught). Its like one of those man code things...like the unspoken rules on which urinals you use in the public bathroom if one is already being used. If they are meat-headish they might try to prove how macho they are with talk about sex or illicit escapades, but married men talking about affairs only really happens on TV dramas written by women. Its sort of like porn. Guys generally know that other guys look at porn but very few would ever openly talk about it or admit it. Its a pretty safe bet that past affairs will never come up unless they develop some kind of really intimate friendship where they confide in each other with problems, which itself is fairly rare for us lone-wolf males.

I have a completely different take on men talking. You may be right if both men are Christians; however, if one or both of them are not Christians then I disagree. Men talk about sex incessantly, and if they are not practicing Christians, they talk about porn, partners, and sexual adventures & misadventures. They do not believe that cheating makes them appear weak to their fellow man. While they are cautious about who they inform about their infidelity, they absolutely talk about it if they believe their friends are trustworthy. Cheating spouses also seek strength in numbers, and if they have done so, you can bet they are talking about it.

Hmm maybe whether they do or not depends on other social factors. From my white collar middle-class professional in suburbia perspective they do not. They do talk about those subjects in the right mix of company, but talking about specific instances and illicit relationships and such would be a rare moment around here. Bragging about a sexual experiences is different than trying to brag about getting caught cheating or about how many hours they spent looking at naked people on the internet. Unless they are into self-deprecating humor its not the sort of conversation that happens. But I can't argue with the idea that cheating spouses may flock together for some reason--I don't have experience with that. A lot of it probably depends on the culture of the persons workplace environment. If that sort of talk is common and acceptable and they hang out with people who talk about that sort of thing then it will naturally carry over.

thanks for all the responses. chosenone, no this guy doesn't bring her out on the rides, the only times I have seen her is when she has her vehicle worked on by my husband and he is always her ride when she drops off or picks up and like I said he has been at her house when my husband has called her about her car. Is he a Christian? I have no idea, I know when he was with his wife they went to church but I don't know if he is a born again Christian. My husband is but isn't in the word like he should be at all. I don't know what his relationship with his wife is, if they are divorcing or what no clue.
  I don't believe that this guy would talk about his infidelity to my husband they aren't close in that way, however I would wonder if I were him what we were thinking, why he is always with this co worker, I would worry about what someone thought about me if I were with another guy, even if it was innocent I'd worry about what people might think.  It still bothers me that he's with this female all the time even though he doesn't talk to my husband about it. The other thing that really bothered me was that a couple times when my husband couldn't get a hold of this lady and if he talked with this guy he would ask him the information he needed about her car, I think that's wrong, in my business i wouldn't do that, I wouldn't inquire with another clients information to another, he see's nothing wrong with it since he "referred " her to him and it's only a car, in my opinion it's like him some how condoning his relationship with this female, I'd be mad if someone called my husband and asked him questions about another females car if he had nothing to do with working on it. So is it wrong for him to "talk" with this guy and ride with him in a group of other people? or should he break all ties with him? He knows it makes me uncomfortable and he does comfort me about it saying he doesn't talk about stuff. I just remember a few years ago I had a friend who was having marital problems, her husband cheated on her and they were divorcing, she never told me but someone else told me that she had met another guy too, she got pregnant after her divorce and and married, but becuase my husband thought she got pregnant before her divorce he didn't want me talking with her, ok fine well we don't talk much at all now. I asked him how he thought there was a difference just becuase this guy cheated and didn't get pregnant how does that make the situations any different? He just keeps saying he's not with him alone other than occassionaly when he has my husband work on something of his and he stays to help. and that I have nothing to worry about, they went riding this last weekend and I didnt go, but our daughter went along with about 6 other guys and they arent' guys that everyone knows well, riding usually works where you go with someone you know, my husband with this guy and another but then others invite other guys so it's a very casual group. Thanks for all the opinions

I would wonder why your husband would want to hang out with a guy who was activly cheating.

Or, why he would defend it as harmless?

I wouldn't want to hang out with anyone doing that - it would disgust me. Why doesn't it turn your husband off?

He doesn't "hang" out with him other than dirtbiking and the reaaon it's hard to avoid it is because when he started going out there his marriage was fine, his family would go once in a while but usually just him and his son, so now they'll just show up park next to us ect.  My husband's defense to all this is we don't know what is going on, it's none of our business and he doesn't talk about it with him, it's merely about talking about his bike's or cars when he needs them worked on and occassionaly riding will come up. He says that he wont be "alone" with him and when they ride it's a group and our daughter is always there. It just really is hard for me to see him with this female. Even though I want him to break all ties with this guy I know I can't make him do anything, I guess I'm lucky he isnt' hanging out with him and doing other things