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Brief history husband had a one night stand when we first got married (9mo into marriage) and I found out almost 3 years ago. So my husband frequents a small parts store for his business, there is this female that works there and she has worked there for quite awhile, she has never talked with my husband nor I and he said that she has never helped him when he goes in there, I think she helped me once and she apparently knew of my husband because when I gave the phone number she said oh yea (strange since husband said she never helps him but maybe she heard when he's being helped by someone else), well we were in the store together and she walked by and smiled at my husband, ok fine normal he's a familiar face. Well this last week she now makes a point to say hi to my husband which I think when someone walks in the door they are suppose to say hi but he said she came up where he was being helped and said hi, then today she said hi and used his name and again made a point to do it. I know maybe I'm just being paranoid since my husband has cheated before and thats how he cheated just reversed, he was the employee and his "onc" was the customer. Is this normal and should I worry about it? My husband has told me and has said not to worry and has comforted me but I still can't keep out of my head what he's done to me in the past and now I'm thinking back to what he did when we were dating. I'm so stressed and worried, my husband goes in there ALL the time, she knows he's married because we got in there together alot and I go in there for him, but he goes in there alot more alone. I"ve been praying alot and have not let my husband know I'm bothered by it even though I know he knows it upsets me and I'm worried, so should I be worried? should he not go in there anymore, which would be impossible because he has to for his business.   thanks anyone

 Call me a little picky, but, my husband would just have to find another place to do his business, even if he drove one hundred miles. It would not be a choice, but a boundary. He is the one who fooled around, so this is not to much to ask.

   Just because one is paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.LOL

Thanks, that's how I feel too but then again I can't live my life not ever giving my husband some trust and being afraid all the time, especially since I chose to stay in the marriage and work it out. There is no way he can go somewhere else, he wouldn't be able to run his business then if he spent time on the road all the time to track down his parts. That's why I just want to know if I'm making something out of nothing. All that keeps going through my head is how it happened with his one night stand 18 years ago and I know that I'm not suppose to be bringing it up since I have forgiven him. I know there are places I go frequently that people know me and but usually they don't say Hi and my first name it's his ms and my last name or they'll just say hi how are you. These things are just so  hard I just hate it,

I'd have to say that there's not enough information to make a guess or even have a hunch. Safety first of course but at the same time smiling at someone isn't exactly a danger sign. If someone has no friends of the opposite sex I'd even think that was a little odd. However he did cheat before. Though we need forgive others, we need to be smart as well.

Look for unaccounted for time and mysterious spending. Look for changes in pattern in your relationship (how he treats you, not wanting sex as much, spending less time with you, and needing more 'privacy' to name a few). HERE[/url'] is a good article of tips on catching a cheating spouse.

thanks leeford, you're right saying hi or smiling is not any proof he's doing anything wrong. I guess I just question why all of a sudden when my husband has frequented this place for years why in the last couple weeks she's being more friendly to him.  I know everyone knows him and I, knows we are married, he chats with the other employees there (men). It still makes it fearful to me. I know hes not hiding it he told me and has said I can go in there when I can if that makes me feel better, but I don't necessarily think that's the right thing to do either. I can't always go in there anyways for him. There is nothig suspicious in his behaviour, he accounts for all of his time and we both work from home so I always know where he is. I know I need to trust the Lord but sometimes it's just so hard. I sometimes can't tell what God is telling me, like if this is a "sign" of something or if it's satan putting these into my head, or if it's God telling me ok you need to watch out for this. I pray and I feel better but then all of a sudden it hits me and I worry again. Thank again

 Can he not order parts online? I tell you something trying hard, if anything harmless or not makes my husband feel uncomfortable I do not do it. Maybe you should pray about it, ask the Lord to reveal truth to you, and give you wisdom. Maybe he will show you it is nothing, or maybe he will show you it is something to Leary of. Do you feel this way often? Usually we women know when something is not right. Then other times we just feel vanurable for some reason. Pray.

Quote from: tryingishard on Mon Dec 07, 2009 - 20:22:23
Brief history husband had a one night stand when we first got married (9mo into marriage) and I found out almost 3 years ago. So my husband frequents a small parts store for his business, there is this female that works there and she has worked there for quite awhile, she has never talked with my husband nor I and he said that she has never helped him when he goes in there, I think she helped me once and she apparently knew of my husband because when I gave the phone number she said oh yea (strange since husband said she never helps him but maybe she heard when he's being helped by someone else), well we were in the store together and she walked by and smiled at my husband, ok fine normal he's a familiar face. Well this last week she now makes a point to say hi to my husband which I think when someone walks in the door they are suppose to say hi but he said she came up where he was being helped and said hi, then today she said hi and used his name and again made a point to do it. I know maybe I'm just being paranoid since my husband has cheated before and thats how he cheated just reversed, he was the employee and his "onc" was the customer. Is this normal and should I worry about it? My husband has told me and has said not to worry and has comforted me but I still can't keep out of my head what he's done to me in the past and now I'm thinking back to what he did when we were dating. I'm so stressed and worried, my husband goes in there ALL the time, she knows he's married because we got in there together alot and I go in there for him, but he goes in there alot more alone. I"ve been praying alot and have not let my husband know I'm bothered by it even though I know he knows it upsets me and I'm worried, so should I be worried? should he not go in there anymore, which would be impossible because he has to for his business.   thanks anyone

your husband is the one who broke the covenant, therefore he needs to do anything reasonable that he can do in order to make you able to build trust in him again.
If he refuses then that says quite a lot about his intentions, quite frankly.
It would destroy me to know that my wife felt she couldnt trust me and that my actions were the cause.

Either your husband wants to BE a husband AND a man, or he doesnt.
it doesnt matter if anything is going on with this woman nor not. He cheated and therefore CAUSED you to lose trust in him so rebuilding that trust is on HIM now....he needs to DO whatever you need him to DO to gain that trust back.
Set boundaries, explain to him why they have to be there (that you need to rebuild your trust in him) and expect him to love and honor you enough to respect those boundaries.

.

Quote from: lightshineon on Mon Dec 07, 2009 - 23:02:57
Call me a little picky, but, my husband would just have to find another place to do his business, even if he drove one hundred miles. It would not be a choice, but a boundary. He is the one who fooled around, so this is not to much to ask.

This would not be unreasonable if the parts store woman were the one that he had cheated with. As it is though, I don't know how reasonable or realistic it is. I mean is she going to set up boundries that keep him away from any other woman? That would mean pretty much that the boundries consist of the walls of their house.

Also let's not forget that the infidelity was 18 years ago. Even accounting for the fact that for her it occured when she found out, 3 years ago, I'd find a request to cut off contact with someone who so far has done nothing other than offer good customer service to a regular customer, to be a bit much.

 Maybe, C. but she does not feel like she cantrust him, it is hurtful to her, because she found out three years ago. I think, I would pray, and ask God to show me truth. Sometimes we women pickup things, when they are not right, sometimes we are being paranoid. I wonder if this is the first lady she has felt this way about since finding out about her husband infidelity?

In re-reading the original post something stuck out that changes things a little.

Quotesuppose to say hi but he said she came up where he was being helped and said hi, t

note the 'he said" which to me says that he was telling his wife about this woman's actions on a visit to the store in which she(the wife) was not present. That doesn't sound to me like someone who is hiding something.  IMO, if there's anything at all to be concerned about here it's the parts store lady's inappropriate friendliness.

thanks everyone for all your thoughts on this. It is impossible for him to strictly do online ordering. He runs a business he has time lines to finish his jobs and being that he works from home he has a license for a certain amount of vehicles at the house at one time, so for one if he runs into a problem doing a vehicle or it needs something then he has no choice but to run and get the part. He does have deliveries here alot too. I should be thankful he at least works from home if he had a job outside the home I'm sure he'd come in contact with way more females then just the part store. Yes he was honest and told me about it but it does still make me uncomfortable, but like chaz said I can't be "jelaous" and worry about every female that he comes in contact with but it is so hard. I don't want to be unreasonable with boundries. We have set boundries. I asked him last night if he felt like she went outside of the normal customer service, he said no, when she said hi to him she was walking by, I asked about when she used his name, he said no he didn't but then said I dont' think so, I said but why all of a sudden would she use your name he said he had no idea. I just keep praying that he will recognize if she was "flirting" or being overly nice that he would make sure he doesn't respond to it even accidentally by just being friendly, I know some people read into things more than others so being that my husband is a friendly guy I just hope that doesn't do more than just the hi. It's scary and that's why I'm afraid I'm overreacting to it because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. He has been comforting about it and said I can go int here when I can for him but I also know that he gets frustrated when I don't trust him, he doesn't say anything but you can tell, he'll just say I love you trust me I haven't done anything and I wont do anything to hurt you but you can tell his frustration in his voice and I feel bad but it's hard.

 I say the trust him, unless he gives you reason.

One possible reason for the recent change in how she treats him at the store is that she is having difficulties in her private life and is trying to "make a connection" or whatever you want to call it.  That your husband seems to think it's at least a little bit outside of normal customer service says to me that he's aware of the situation. That's good. If it's in his mind that something may be a little amiss here, then it's far less likely that he'll get sucked into something.  In any case I'd simply be completely up front with him about how you feel. That you forgave his first transgression doesn't mean that you can't ever talk about it again.  I would however be VERY careful to talk only in terms of your feelings rather than in terms of his actions.

thanks chaz, we have talked about it and my concerns, he's been supportive and kind about it, like I said I know he gets frustrated at times. He seemed indecisive of whether or not it was normal customer service or not but like you said maybe he is aware of it. Like I said in my last post I just pray that he doesn't do or say more than he has too like making her think he's responding to her. I'm thankful he told me and was open about it, he didn't even have to tell me