Christian Forums

Hi. I am new to this forum. I need your advise on this one. I am a Christian. I am about to marry this very wonderful woman next year, january 2010. I am so excited to live the rest of my life with her and for her. I know I am marrying her for the right reasons. We are both christians and are attending this wonderful church. We both have a stable jobs and careers. she is a doctor and I am working for this strong company. She is well accepted by my christian family as well. However, we have had some problems with her family though they are christians too. Here is the picture:
1. her mom does not like me at all
2. her family, except her dad, does not like me,  (i really dont know why and it's driving me crazy)
3. i am responsible, loving and I love God above all.
4. Her mom is a pastor at this church where we used to attend at.
5. however, disagreements between church doctrines and church practices forced me and my fiance to move out of this church 4 years ago. But we left in peace with that church pastor. But there has been a series of back biting when we left and they were all initiated by the church members. I guess she was affected so much about the back biting and all that. We kept silent instead, however it was hurtful for us.

There are so many instances where I really think her mom is acting out really weird. Let me enumerate some instances:
1. There was this one time (very early in the morning like 4 am, i was going to fetch my fiance from her home) when I came to her house and I saw her sisters and her mom beating up on her, kicking her, pulling her hair, yelling at her, punching her in the face (she was not fighting back and was just screaming and crying (not because of the physical pain) while I heard her mom quote somethings from the scriptures) .
2. in some other instance She said that those that will be saved will be those that belonged in her church
3. Those that belong to that church will be the only ones who will prosper
4. she gives money out really "unsparingly" she does not have a job (she never had). her husband who is oversees works for her and she gives hard earned money out to her church quite freely to a point where she'll come home after service with no more money in her pocket. She'll sometimes give the money intended for the bills in the house and worse for food, and the school fee of her youngest daughter. She'll then be asking money from her children. She is 54 years old.
5. her house is always a mess---literally.
6. she always starts up a fight with her daughters. A day never ends with out some quarrel in her house. quarrels would start from the smallest and stupidest things. like the house not getting cleaned, the dishes ( her two older daughters are 28 and 27 y/o). Days would just end with them watching the tv.
7. she is very controlling of her children. Her two married daughters (both pregnant, while their husbands are working oversees) are still living with her. She takes control of their money. She wants part of their money to be given to her. Actually she wants to be the one to allot for her children. Her oldest son, who just went oversees has a son out of wedlock. Instead of sending the money to the mother and to his child, he sends it to his mom so the mom can "allot" money for the mother and her grandchild. There was this one time, her grandson needed to be in rushed to the hospital as he was convulsing because of fever and my future mom-in-law refused to give money to the mother. she said "the money was intended for the Lord". She was going to an oversees mission trip for 3 days. now, her grandson has crossed-eyes and has to wear eyeglasses for the rest of his life.

Dont get me wrong here, I love my mother in law. I really do. I was raised up in a loving family. but there are really times that I think she is weird ( understatement). There are countless times that i tried (i still do) to rich out to her. I would try to talk to her but she would just turn her back away from me. When i go to her house to visit her, she would go to her room and "sleep" at 6 pm. All the time I could hear her sing and I can particularly hear her casting out demons. It doesnt need an einstein to figure it out. How do I fix the relationship between my fiance and mom-in-law? Help and prayers please.

 

The best advice here is for you to move far away...literally.  When you get married...leave.  There is nowhere in the Bible where it says you have live next to your inlaws.  I see mine 2 weeks a year...you need to do the same.

Quote from: RED SHIFT1 on Sat Dec 19, 2009 - 09:12:21
The best advice here is for you to move far away...literally.  When you get married...leave.  There is nowhere in the Bible where it says you have live next to your inlaws.  I see mine 2 weeks a year...you need to do the same.

yes i should do that. However, my apartment is in the same city. The property that i bought for our house is also in the same city (as cost of living here is better ). I work here also. my fiance's clinic is also on the same city. The other clinic that i will be opening next year is on another island which is like 1.5 hpurs away. Even so, it's still near for her standards. 

This lady sounds like a very controlling woman.(and a disturbed one)
She and her daughters beat your fiance up? That's simply not acceptable at all. That was assault. I would go far away. She clearly has far too much control on her other adult children.She has seriously wrong beliefs of what is and isn't right as far as teaching in her church. My MIL is also very controlling and Praise the Lord, we live the other side of the world.

You can never win with a  person like this, believe me.You need to SERIOUSLY look to moving many hours drive away and having minimal contact unless you want her controlling all of your lives and affairs.She will never give up. My husband and his brother are aged 52 and 48 and she still hasn't let them go. (The reason why my husband came to live here in the UK 23 years ago).

Yes you will need to look for new jobs (or maybe transfers) but unless you do this you will never get away form her influence.  Two good books on this are
Boundaries by John Townsend and
In Sheep's clothing (understanding and dealing with manipulative people) by George K Simon

She shouldn't be having any influence in her grown up children's marriages or relationships. They should have cut the ties and left her both physically and emotionally. They haven't stood up to her (they are probably afraid to) and you will have to be strong to do this. I stood up to my MIL and she hated it.  Distance may be the only option for you both to have a good marriage.

Quote from: chosenone on Sat Dec 19, 2009 - 10:41:09
This lady sounds like a very controlling woman.(and a disturbed one)
She and her daughters beat your fiance up? That's simply not acceptable at all. That was assault. I would go far away. She clearly has far too much control on her other adult children.She has seriously wrong beliefs of what is and isn't right as far as teaching in her church. My MIL is also very controlling and Praise the Lord, we live the other side of the world.

She simply processes church doctrines in her mind quite differently. If for example, the pastor preaches prosprerity and if he says "the Lord will provide for everything we need so let us join the missions", she will most definitely spend the money intended for the house bills and her youngest daughters school fees just so she can go with them to the missions (there is nothing wrong with joining the misions- but this one is just plain wrong). in turn, she will bother her other children to give money to their youngest sister's school fees and some other bills inside the house. She just thinks very differently. Worse, her other daughters (except my fiance of course) does not tell her that what she's doing is not right. I thnk they are just too afraid of her.  Hence, she gets to feel and think that what ever she's doing is right and it's the will of the Lord. She thinks no one can go up against her or rebuke her because the bible says "no one can come against you". She just processes things very differently.

My fiance does not agree with her.  I think that's the reason why they always fight and quarrel-because she coould not control my fiance. So what she does is to tell her other daughters to start up a fight with my fiance. It is stupid really.

They are absolutely disfunctional (except for my fiance). What makes matters worse is that her church promoted her to pastor. She has not been to bible school, she has no proven ministry, she does not handle a church ( she just joins missions and helps)her family life is a mess ( her son has a son out of wedlock. He does not want to owe to his deed so he went away as far away as he can working on odd jobs and does not send support. He is still asking for financial support from his mom! her daughters are unemployed and spends most of the time in front of the tv and her husband lives abroad and comes home once every year or two), and her house is always a mess-it seems like it never gets to be cleaned up (many times i saw rodents the size of a small cat running inside her house- you wouldnt believe how far i jumped to the ceiling. I came from a loving-tightly knit family. I belong to a family of accountant, doctors, engineers and a politician. All of them are proud and loves my fiance so much. they even treat her out and lives me behind and they would spend hours with her. Without asking them, they pledged for her wedding dress, the cake, the venue and much about everything. My fammily is just warm and loving people.

She simply can not process things the right way. for example, if i engage her to talk about investments and business opprotunities, local politics, the economy and careers she simply turns her back from me. You know, i just want to start up a conversation with her. I want to show her that i am a responsible man and that i'll take carre of her daughter and that i will never ever leave her daughter. Her daughter is my first love and i love her so much. I just recently purchased a property where we can build our house ihn the near future. I have also negotiated a place where we can start our small investments next year: a spa, a gaming cafe and another place for her clinic's branch. 
You know, her dad and i are okay as he can see that i am a man with financial sense and that i'll never leave her daughter for another.

Why cant she see that? She is not proud that her daughter through her determination and hard work finished top 20 in her state exam, was granted numerous scholarships, is not promiscuous, humble, has sense of direction and now has a small private practice to build her name up. Any mother will be proud of their child for that.

Sorry for the long post. I just need to vent and let some steam off. This week my family and her family will have dinner and i am worried that she'ss be doing her grandstanding again.

A few nights ago, my family went to my fiances home to meet them formally and just have fellowship with each other (or so i thought). I brought dinner and out of respect for my fiances family, we agreed to meet at their house instead.

The meeting turned out to be a disaster. Her mom ended grandstanding ( i hate to call her a drama queen) rigtht in fron of all the people. In front of my family and her family. She was saying things that were not making any sense at all.

I presented our plans to them, for the wedding and the long term. She said she had nothing to say anymore since we have it prepared already. She said that she does not know her daughter anymore depsite all my and my fiances efforts to win her again. She just refuses to talk to us. She would just turn her back from us. and get inside her room and lock the door. Inside her room, we could hear her cast out demons (she's obviously referring to us).

She was crying so hysterical... like crazy hysterical. so what i had to do was to ask for forgiveness and asked for prayer and blessing. It was a really crazy night.

She was crying hysterically, and YOU had to ask HER for forgiveness??? That is badly controlling behaviour where she will use all the weapons she has at her disposal (such as tears) to control you and everyone else.She has got away with this appalling childish behaviour for far too long. Why did you apologise when you had done nothing wrong? cant you see what she is doing?She got her own selfish way yet again.She has got you all running around keeping her happy and it is NOT GOOD and NOT RIGHT. Read those books I suggested. She needs firm and godly boundaries set asap.

As I said before, move right away. This woman seems seriously disturbed. The only way you will be able to get away from her influence is to live somewhere else. it isn't impossible. Sell the land you bought, apply for other jobs and go.
I wouldn't live within a thousand miles of my MIL.Yours sounds very like her, and believe me, you will never win, she will never admit to being wrong and she may well never like you.
If you care about your fiance, and any future children I would go right away.
I really think there are spiritual problems with her and that you are in a spiritual battle.I think that SHE may well be the one who needs deliverance.
The ONLY other alternative is for you to have practically no contact and stay right away but that will be very hard. She will never let go in my opinion.Controlling people never do