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All the possible answers that I could have offered are already in your post... you know all the consequences of your thoughts and the gravity of the situation, there is nothing much that can be said about this.
I don't want to be the "old-fashioned priest" in your life  , but you have to find a way to remove this man from your life and give thanks to God for the daughter and husband that you already have. Ask God to strenghten your heart and make you realize how lucky you already are. I know it will be hard to ask God for something that you don't really really want, but you have to face this other man as a test to your faith.
I myself have wondered before what would my life be like with another woman I liked, but later I realized that the woman God gave me is the perfect fit.

You need to stop ALL contact with this man. No more phone calls, no more e-mails, no more texts, no more meetings. You are not free to have any sort of relationship with him, you are married and what sort of man is he anyway when he is trying to break up a marriage? He needs to
leave you alone and you need to tell him that there will be no more contact ever with him.

Thank God for what you have and remember that the grass always seems greener but it rarely is. Living with a person all the time is totally different from having this sort of 'romantic' attraction to another. You dont get to see his bad habits or his weaknesses or his annoying little ways that you do with your husband. Your marriage will never be good unless you look inwards to your husband rather than looking away to another man.
Ask God for forgiveness and end the relationship for good, and work at your marriage. Maybe you need help,counselling or whatever may give you the guidance that you both need.

First off.... This man knows you are married and he still contacts you? To "check in on you"?

Big red flag right there. He doesn't respect your marriage. Now, that could be because you haven't. And he is just continuing what you started. I do not know.

But what Chosen posted is true. The grass ALWAYS looks so green on the other side of the fence. But yours could be just as green if you fertilized it. I really do not know what you expected from us here. You already know what you should do. You just do not want to do it.

But for the sake of doing it, only if it is a formality, what you are doing is wrong. What he (your friend) is doing, is wrong. You may think he respects you, but he doesn't. If he did, he would not contact you. And as I posted earlier, he certainly doesn't respect your marriage or your husband.

That is the funny thing about "older" men. They have experience in telling younger women what they want to hear. I know... I know.. He is different.. I know. He listens. He is attentive. He is this and that.. Yea, I know. My first marriage was destroyed in this same way.

You said that there has been infidelity in your marriage. Have both of you been unfaithful?

And as far as wanting to feel emotionally connected in your marriage... Well, get connected. And yes, it can be that simple. The Lord can repair your marriage. But you have to be willing to turn it over to him. You also have to be willing to walk away from your male friend. You can't have both.

I will be praying for your marriage. What you are doing is VERY dangerous. Very. Cut contact with him. Give your marriage the attention it deserves.

And for all those who will ask if I would say the same thing to her husband? YES. I would.

Hello HorseyGal,
I believe Louis and choseone have both given you great advice.
You know what you are doing is wrong and you completely understand that you have to do something, quick!

It seems that not only has God brought the two of you (you and your husband, that is) back together after separations and infidelity (not many couples can handle it), but he has blessed the two of you with a child. Of course we all know that in this life, children will not always keep two people together, but it will give a couple more 'incentive' to work it out. The average person, in their right mind, doesn't want a child to go through a 'broken home'.

Anyway, I believe a question you need to ask yourself is: 'Do I want to work hard at saving and keeping my marriage?' It doesn't really matter that you got married at a young age. Many people get married young and work it out till death due them part. When you get married, I've learned (and I'm not married, but I've been around many married folks and have seen enough to know generally how it works) that this world will get at you anyway possible to break up something that God has put together. Does it mean that you will not have 'good' days? Of course not; but everyday will not be easy for you. That goes with ANYONE who is working hard and desiring to follow God's ways - married or single.

So ask yourself if you want to say in this marriage. The many ups and downs have probably changed your heart and have you confused.
If you do want to make your marriage work, LEAVE THAT OTHER MAN ALONE!! Change your phone number(s), e-mail address(es) (if you are on social networking sites, let them go if he is on there with you), whatever you can do within your power to avoid contact. Whether you are in love with him or not doesnt matter; have made a committment to God to be with your husband, at home! And the fact that God has brought the two of you back together after many trials should be even more fuel to make it work.

Go and stay in prayer. Ask God to relieve you of this desire for this other man. An emotional bond is much stronger than a physical one. But God can and will deliver you from that desire for this man, if you choose to let it go. And ask God to restore your marriage. It's not an overnight process but it is a sure process and by you keeping the faith, in God, it will happen!
We all know God loves marriage and does not like divorce. I believe the word even says he hates it. But if you can avoid it, please work hard to do so.

May God bless you heart, your marriage, and your family. Do your part, and God will do His.

Stefanie

Quote from: HorseyGal on Tue Dec 29, 2009 - 20:21:43
Thanks for advice and input.  Yes, I do KNOW what I should do, but I just wanted to get out some of my feelings and thoughts and get some feedback...even though I know the bottom line answer, the thoughts and reasonings are helpful.  I can't really go around here locally asking people I know for input without stirring up some juicy gossip for them.

Yes the infidelity has been on both our parts.  At the beginning of our marriage I discovered my husband had a porn addiction.  Through the years he has conqured that.  But that was the beginning of the many breakdown's of our marriage.  For several years I would find out things my husband would be doing with other females that would hurt me badly.  Mainly conversations and lunches, as far as I know, nothing physical beyond kissing.  My husband is extremely attractive by the world's standards.  And woman were constantly throwing themselves at him at the gym and he seemed to love the attention.  I guess who wouldn't??  Anyways, there were also issues where he took bodybuilding enhancement supplements and became very aggressive and full of rage and anger.  This is the short version. LOL  So I left him after about five years of this.  That is when I dated other people and so did he.  We finally got back together b/c we missed each other.  We had grown up together.  He isn't close with his family and my family had treated him like one of their own for years prior to our marriage.  So anyways, it just seemed right to get back together.  That is when we right away became pregnant, accidentally (but what a blessing)!!  We both got back into church regularly and worked very hard.  I was happy and I believed him to be happy.  Then we had to be separated for long periods of time physically for job reasons.  He was off working and I was raising our daughter.  When we were able to be back together as a family regularly, my husband had changed again.  He was distant and disconnected.  So we ended up separating again, and that is when he dated some bimbo and I had a relationship with the guy who I mentioned in my first post.  At this separation, we had a daughter and it killed me to think of her growing up with two different families.  Imagining the two Christmas's etc.  All the things like that.  So I prayed and prayed and prayed and worked hard and my  husband and I got back together.  I do believe he loves me and our daughter.  And he is a good provider and a good husband.  He has small anger issues still, but nothing physical.  He definitely wants us to be together as a family.  But a few months ago, I found out about yet again another inappropriate relationship with a female.  Lots of calls and texts between the two.  At this point, we had forgiven each other's pasts wholeheartedly and were looking and moving forward.  This recent "transgression" crushed me (also b/c she was a very close friend).  It is almost like to be with my husband, I have to accept his stupid pleasure in women's attention.  It is really hard to live with years of this, yet I want to be with him and not ruin our marriage.  It damages so many people when a marriage struggles and splits.  Extended families are hurt badly too.  So it is almost easier to try to pretend everything is ok and happy.  And through all this drama, we have protected our daughter and not fought in front of her, etc.  I will do everything in my power to make her think everything is ok, even if it isn't.  I don't want our drama on her.  But anyways, that is why this "random" connection w/ this older man who had been on my mind anyways is so tempting.  But I am aware I have to muster up the willpower to end it.  B/c regardless of what my husband has done, we need to either split or stay together.  And by staying with him, I need to not have any inappropriate relationships, despite the ones he has had!!  But knowing all that and acting all that out are two different things!! 

Sorry I am amking this so long.  Once I start typing all my feelings seem to flow out.

Well, sounds to me like you need better friends all around. Talking about the latest woman to "move in" on your husband. What ever you call her, she is not and never was a friend.

Are the two of you in a good church? If not, find one. I can't express how important it is to have  good fellowship with other Christains. Feeding your spirit is as important (if not more so) than any other aspect of the Christian life. It does the body/soul/spirit good.

Do you pray daily? Do you have a quite time with the Lord? If not, start. That also helps.

DO you read the Word? If not, start that as well.

Do you two live and practice a Christian lifestyle? It is important to "practice what you preach". So to speak. Your example is so important.

Concentrate on you. Get where you need to be spiritually. Pray, pray, and then pray some more.

God can fix this. It is you who need to make up your mind.

People are allowed to love whomever they want. They don't have to, nor are they always "authorized" to marry them.

On the other hand, one is required to love their spouse.

Quote from: HorseyGal on Tue Dec 29, 2009 - 21:24:35
We are in a very good church and do go every Sunday.  We have a good group of friends there, and although it is a good size church, there really aren't many younger people there.  Most of our church friends are in their upper 40s and older. (Obviously I have no problem with the age difference, LOL).  But we have a separate set of friends our age and although they are all christians, believe in God and have high values (minus the one friend I mentioned earlier), but they do not attend church and are not active in their beliefs. 

I was in a woman's group at church and was reading my bible daily.  I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn that I have slacked off a lot lately.  :)

I talk to God a lot throughout the day, but def. do not have daily quiet time.  Lately, the Holy Spirit has burdening my soul heavily and I find myself just telling God, "But I really don't want to end it with either man."  Social and religious reasons for my husband and emotional reasons for the other man.  So lately my prayer has been "help me want to ask You for and accept Your help to pull away from him (the older guy)." 

Thanks for your input and sound advice.  I think it may be time to pull out my Bible and get in the habit of  reading again. 

Thank you for your honest responses. I would be easy for you to "hide" your feelings. Believe me when I say that I am sorry you're in this situation.

Not to overstate the obvious, but you are the only one who can end this. God has already spoken to you. You know what you need and should do. But YOU are having difficulties doing it. God is not going to step in and end it for you. He will give you a way out though. And you have one.

I really wish more people would put a lot of thought and prayer into marriage. There are many different views on marriage and divorce, but I for one, think it is wrong to divorce. Unless it is for safety against abuse or your spouse is cheating or abandonment.

Marriage is for life. After we are married is not the time to "rue" our decision to marry or who we married.

God love you... I know it is hard for you. But the answer is really simple. You need to concentrate on your marriage. YOU be the Christian wife YOU should be. Do not worry about anything else. Climb into the Word. Lay your marriage at the feet of the Lord. Claim victory.

But, you are going to have to let him (other man) go. Even if it means changing numbers, etc...  Do it. Until YOU take action, nothing will change. Satan wants your marriage broken. He wants to claim another family. It is up to you to say no.

God bless.

Horseygal-

If YOU do the right thing for you marriage, God promises to honor you. With your husband's temptations and predilections, we couldn't tell you whether your husband will be the husband God is asking him to be. He could end up giving you a biblical reason for divorce if he is not able to change his habits. But if that ever came to be the case, again, God will honor you for doing what He has spoken to you. He will give you the desires of your heart, in a greater way than you can hope for or imagine: IF you trust and obey him. God cannot go against himself; he can't reward us for our lack of trust or obedience to him.

If there is no one you trust to help keep you accountable to the decision you know you have to make, perhaps prayerfully consider telling your husband what is going on and the road you fear it may take you down. Let him know the truth: that this other man's attentions have been so much more of a temptation to you because of your husband's desire for attention from other women. See if he's willing to get on his knees to pray that God removes that desire from himself, so that he can begin to feed into you the things he has been neglecting over these years. Ideally, he will be willing to confess his temptation to a strong man at church, someone who can help keep him accountable. Both of you have weaknesses that can lead to further infidelity, so at least one of you needs a strong person to be accountable to. In love, sis.