Christian Forums

Hi,

Can I ask for some advice please? This guy who I have known (not very well, and for about 10 years) and I have recently started emailing each other. (started a month ago) Just about general stuff, getting to know each other, that sort of thing. He's the loveliest guy, so kind and thoughtful. He asked if I would like to go see a movie and out for dinner after, which we did earlier this week. I'm not really sure how it went, except that I like him even more now, he's as lovely in real life as he is online. Anyway, because I wasn't sure how it went I asked him 'what happens now' (which I'm regretting- too forward you think?) and he said he has no idea what happens now and he's just taking things as they go. So what would you make of what he's said? I have no idea how to interpret that. Should I just let it go? For my own sanity I feel like I need to know. Also does going to a movie and then out for dinner constitute a date? I wasn't sure before we went and I'm not sure now either. He was such a gentleman- opening doors for me, pouring me water, letting me sit down in the restaurant first, paying for the movie etc... And for what its worth, he know's I think he's great. Advice please 

Ms r:

Quote from: rachelliott on Thu Jan 07, 2010 - 20:51:57
Hi,

Can I ask for some advice please? This guy who I have known (not very well, and for about 10 years) and I have recently started emailing each other. (started a month ago) Just about general stuff, getting to know each other, that sort of thing. He's the loveliest guy, so kind and thoughtful. He asked if I would like to go see a movie and out for dinner after, which we did earlier this week. I'm not really sure how it went, except that I like him even more now, he's as lovely in real life as he is online. Anyway, because I wasn't sure how it went I asked him 'what happens now' (which I'm regretting- too forward you think?) and he said he has no idea what happens now and he's just taking things as they go. So what would you make of what he's said? I have no idea how to interpret that. Should I just let it go? For my own sanity I feel like I need to know. Also does going to a movie and then out for dinner constitute a date? I wasn't sure before we went and I'm not sure now either. He was such a gentleman- opening doors for me, pouring me water, letting me sit down in the restaurant first, paying for the movie etc... And for what its worth, he know's I think he's great. Advice please 

You guys need first of all to get into some serious Bible study, to figure where you are going, individually and together.

(I can't advise much about movies, though...)

be wise, be gracious, be prudent and make God lord over the whole thing. Rushing someone can be a turnoff. Just let him be himself and be honest about how you fee (and expect the same from him).

Does that help?

Ms yesult:

Quote from: yesult on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 03:23:21
be wise, be gracious, be prudent and make God lord over the whole thing. Rushing someone can be a turnoff. Just let him be himself and be honest about how you fee (and expect the same from him).

Does that help?

You think they should avoid the holding hands thing, maybe?

Take care.

This is all good advice, thanks. But what does 'I have no idea what happens now, I'm just taking things as they go' mean? (a guy's perspective would be nice please :))

Ms rachell:

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 03:43:56
This is all good advice, thanks. But what does 'I have no idea what happens now, I'm just taking things as they go' mean? (a guy's perspective would be nice please :))

So do you read the Bible?

Did you hold hands?

Take care.

Yes I do read my Bible, I'm learning not to compromise on that one, even when its late at night and I'm tired And no we didn't have any physical contact. I wanted there to be, because I felt if there was it might help me to work out what was happening (date or not, you know) and cos I like him I wanted to hold his hand, but no it didn't happen.

Ms Rachell:

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 03:57:11
Yes I do read my Bible, I'm learning not to compromise on that one, even when its late at night and I'm tired And no we didn't have any physical contact. I wanted there to be, because I felt if there was it might help me to work out what was happening (date or not, you know) and cos I like him I wanted to hold his hand, but no it didn't happen.

Good to feed prayerfully on the Word day by day. Does he?

You say you wanted to have physical contact? like, simply to hold his hand?

Take care.

I don't know about reading his Bible, but I've seen evidence that he is a Christian, he goes to church, has taught Sunday school, his prayer before eating the other night was heartfelt and sincere and just his general attitude toward's life and other people tells me he is. Yes, I did want to hold his hand, as it would have helped clarify things for me and cos I like him I wanted that closeness.

Ms rachell:

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:07:14
I don't know about reading his Bible, but I've seen evidence that he is a Christian, he goes to church, has taught Sunday school, his prayer before eating the other night was heartfelt and sincere and just his general attitude toward's life and other people tells me he is. Yes, I did want to hold his hand, as it would have helped clarify things for me and cos I like him I wanted that closeness.

Great he favorably impressed you with his spiritual attitude. This seems like a step in the right direction, anyway.

So you just thought of holding his hand for a while, that's all, then?

Take care.

Yeah, but I was not nearly forward enough to take his hand, I wanted that to be up to him. So Yesult, you think by asking 'what happens now?' I may have been rushing him?

has he contacted you since that date? (and yes I do think it was a date)
If he hasnt contacted you after a few days,just assume that he doesnt want to see you any more. If he has, and has asked you out again then assume that he is interested.
I would wait for him to hold your hand, if you see him again. Dont rush things in that way.

Ms rachell:

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:20:05
Yeah, but I was not nearly forward enough to take his hand, I wanted that to be up to him. ...

So that's entirely what you meant, then, re. the physical contact that you said you wanted: you wanted him to reach for your hand?

Take care.

Also was that the first time you have met in person?

Ms ch:

Quote from: chosenone on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:27:06
Also was that the first time you have met in person?

Like, you mean, was it a 'blind date'....

We have been in contact since Monday (when we went out) through email. That was when he said he had no idea whats next and he was just going to see what happens. The thing is though I will see him again as we go to the same church, so it may not be in a romantic capacity, it will be hard if nothing happens, because I'll be reminded of him saying no every time I see him. (if that happens)

Yes Farouk, I wanted to hold his hand, but he didn't and I don't know what to think now.

No we met about 10 years ago, but have never really gotten to know each other since. We've seen each other plenty of times before, but all this is new.

It wasn't a blind date, we've just not really connected before.

Quote from: farouk on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:29:01
Ms ch:

Quote from: chosenone on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:27:06
Also was that the first time you have met in person?

Like, you mean, was it a 'blind date'....

Well she said that they had ben in contact by e-mail and I got the impression that they hadnt met before. It is quite an important question.  

Ms rachell:

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:34:42
We have been in contact since Monday (when we went out) through email. That was when he said he had no idea whats next and he was just going to see what happens. The thing is though I will see him again as we go to the same church, so it may not be in a romantic capacity, it will be hard if nothing happens, because I'll be reminded of him saying no every time I see him. (if that happens)

Yes Farouk, I wanted to hold his hand, but he didn't and I don't know what to think now.

No we met about 10 years ago, but have never really gotten to know each other since. We've seen each other plenty of times before, but all this is new.

It wasn't a blind date, we've just not really connected before.

He like refused to hold your hand? or you never know, he was just shy? If so he might be willing another time, maybe?

Take care.

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:34:42
We have been in contact since Monday (when we went out) through email. That was when he said he had no idea whats next and he was just going to see what happens. The thing is though I will see him again as we go to the same church, so it may not be in a romantic capacity, it will be hard if nothing happens, because I'll be reminded of him saying no every time I see him. (if that happens)

Yes Farouk, I wanted to hold his hand, but he didn't and I don't know what to think now.

No we met about 10 years ago, but have never really gotten to know each other since. We've seen each other plenty of times before, but all this is new.

It wasn't a blind date, we've just not really connected before.

 OK well it depends on what he has been saying in his e-mails. Has he mentioned the date? Has he mentioned asking you our again?Does he seem keen on seeing you again?

Ms rachell:

Quote from: chosenone on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:38:10

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:34:42
We have been in contact since Monday (when we went out) through email. That was when he said he had no idea whats next and he was just going to see what happens. The thing is though I will see him again as we go to the same church, so it may not be in a romantic capacity, it will be hard if nothing happens, because I'll be reminded of him saying no every time I see him. (if that happens)

Yes Farouk, I wanted to hold his hand, but he didn't and I don't know what to think now.

No we met about 10 years ago, but have never really gotten to know each other since. We've seen each other plenty of times before, but all this is new.

It wasn't a blind date, we've just not really connected before.

 OK well it depends on what he has been saying in his e-mails. Has he mentioned the date? Has he mentioned asking you our again?Does he seem keen on seeing you again?

So he's been emaling you since? he wouldn't be doing that, anyway, if he didn't like you, right? Maybe it was just shyness why he didn't hold your hand, then? There's always a next time, perhaps, if you both think it's the Lord's will for you to keep meeting.

Take care.

I definitely wouldn't date someone I hadn't met before, that's just not me. We've talked about lots of things in emails- Christmas, uni degrees, finding work, what kinds of movies we like, food etc...nothing too heavy really.

I've only received one email since we went out. We were emailing almost daily till we went out on Monday. Now I get the feeling we are both a bit unsure of what to do, whether we should email or not. I (almost desperately) want to contact him but I'm holding back for some reason, I think because of what he's said in the last email (about having no idea). He didn't mention the date in the email, except to tell me (nicely of course) just to relax with him and to not worry too much about saying the wrong thing as I won't offend him, I mentioned I was nervous on our 'date'...

I don't think he refused to hold my hand, maybe he honestly doesn't share my romantic feelings or wasn't sure whether I wanted him to or not. He isn't shy, but it was our first time out together which could account for it not happening? I don't know...

That's what really don't know about, whether we'll meet again.

Ms rachell:

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:50:01
I definitely wouldn't date someone I hadn't met before, that's just not me. We've talked about lots of things in emails- Christmas, uni degrees, finding work, what kinds of movies we like, food etc...nothing too heavy really.

I've only received one email since we went out. We were emailing almost daily till we went out on Monday. Now I get the feeling we are both a bit unsure of what to do, whether we should email or not. I (almost desperately) want to contact him but I'm holding back for some reason, I think because of what he's said in the last email (abut having no idea). He didn't mention the date in the email, except to tell me (nicely of course) just to relax with him and to not worry too much about saying the wrong thing as I won't offend him, I mentioned I was nervous on our 'date'...

I don't think he refused to hold my hand, maybe he honestly doesn't share my romantic feelings or wasn't sure whether I wanted him to or not. He isn't shy, but it was our first time out together which could account for it not happening? I don't know...

That's what really don't know about, whether we'll meet again.

Oh so he wants you to relax with him; that's hopeful. Does he realize you desparately (as you say) want to see him? It wouldn't surprise me if next time you'll be holding hands pretty soon. Keep trusting the Lord.

Take care.

You've given me hope Farouk! I'm sure he doesn't know I want to see him, and I think telling him would just put pressure on him, I may email him sometime though. We'll see

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:50:01
I definitely wouldn't date someone I hadn't met before, that's just not me. We've talked about lots of things in emails- Christmas, uni degrees, finding work, what kinds of movies we like, food etc...nothing too heavy really.

I've only received one email since we went out. We were emailing almost daily till we went out on Monday. Now I get the feeling we are both a bit unsure of what to do, whether we should email or not. I (almost desperately) want to contact him but I'm holding back for some reason, I think because of what he's said in the last email (about having no idea). He didn't mention the date in the email, except to tell me (nicely of course) just to relax with him and to not worry too much about saying the wrong thing as I won't offend him, I mentioned I was nervous on our 'date'...

I don't think he refused to hold my hand, maybe he honestly doesn't share my romantic feelings or wasn't sure whether I wanted him to or not. He isn't shy, but it was our first time out together which could account for it not happening? I don't know...

That's what really don't know about, whether we'll meet again.

  Hmmm I am sorry to say from what you said that he may not be too keen to see you again. I feel that he would have said something about the date (such as thank you, I had a great time or whatever)and I also think he would also have mentioned going out again sometimes even if he hadnt specifically asked for a date yet.
I am a mum of three young adults (one of whom is engaged and two of whom have boyfriends)and have also been out with different guys in my past,and to me it doesnt look too hopeful. I may be worng of course.
How old are you both?

He's 33, I'm 25, we've mentioned age's in an email and that was before we went out so I don't think its an issue. So you think don't email him again? Wait and see if he emails me?

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 05:08:51
He's 33, I'm 25, we've mentioned age's in an email and that was before we went out so I don't think its an issue. So you think don't email him again? Wait and see if he emails me?

well at 33 he is quite old enough not to hang round if he likes someone.Has he ahd girlfriends before?
If you really want to know where you are (and you do have a right to know if there will be any more dates or not)then ask him. Its better for you to know where you are. If he previously e-mailed you every day and now he isnt it seems that he is keeping his distance.
Maybe you could say something like " I really enjoyed our evening together. Could we do it again sometime?" and see what he says.

He has had a gf before, this I know. What do you mean when you say 'not hang around'? Do you mean not waste time just having fun with someone? I was kind of asking him when I asked 'so what happens now', and he said he has no idea and he'll take things as they come. Thing is I havn't been emailing him everyday like I used to either, we both seem a little unsure whether to or not. And I feel if I asked him about going out again it would be a bit too forward. (I want him to ask that you know  )

And by the way, as much as I don't like it, I think you're right when you say if he was interested he would have mentioned enjoying our date...he didn't :(

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 05:30:27
He has had a gf before, this I know. What do you mean when you say 'not hang around'? Do you mean not waste time just having fun with someone? I was kind of asking him when I asked 'so what happens now', and he said he has no idea and he'll take things as they come. Thing is I havn't been emailing him everyday like I used to either, we both seem a little unsure whether to or not. And I feel if I asked him about going out again it would be a bit too forward. (I want him to ask that you know  )

And by the way, as much as I don't like it, I think you're right when you say if he was interested he would have mentioned enjoying our date...he didn't :(

Sorry Rachel, what I meant was that he is 33, and at that age many guys are married or wanting to be, so if he saw you in that way (more than a friend)I would have thought he would be persuing you.
Do you get my meaning? After all, he isnt a really young man any more is he.
If you feel you cannot ask at all, then just tell him that you really enjoyed your time together and see what he says. If he doesnt reply, or replies but doesnt mention it, then it maybe you have to accept that he isnt interested in more than a friendship.

Yeah, I think you're right and its best to just leave it. Its a very bitter pill to swallow though

Thanks for your advice

rachel it is possible that he is ultra cautious, but I think it is more likely that he isnt interested, but do contact him and see what happens.
.

i hope he is just cautious, that gf I mentioned was also a fiancé that didn't work out. I might contact him. Thanks

Quote from: rachelliott on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 06:06:20
i hope he is just cautious, that gf I mentioned was also a fiancé that didn't work out. I might contact him. Thanks

Was that recently? if it was very recent he may be shying away from another relationship and wanting to take things slowly. if it was years ago then that may not be the case.

It was a few years ago. I don't know any details except that I heard he liked her for 7 years before they got together.

.

Ms ch:

Quote from: chosenone on Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 06:03:41
rachel it is possible that he is ultra cautious, but I think it is more likely that he isnt interested, but do contact him and see what happens.
.

Yes, as Ms ch. says, try it. There's no harm attempting it.

(PS: If he was actually engaged, you might want to find out discreetly what happened for it to be broken off; otherwise, consider that you might get burned, too. This is more important than holding hands any time soon.)

Take care.