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My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. I moved 2 states away to be with him. Everything in our relationship is wonderful, we're both Christians and we both have the same goals for our family and lives together.
At first in our relationship we were intimate but after discussing it for a little while we decided to be celebit until marriage. Everyday pretty much we tell each other how happy the other is makes us and how we look forward to our lives together. Then out of no where last night he told me that for the past few days he has been feeling that God wants us to live apart, I couldn't believe what he was saying not only did I leave everything behind but I also don't work. I have been praying about this all day but I'm so emotional right now that all I can focus on is how heart broken I am even if it is probably what we should do. When he got home from work this evening we dicussed our conversation from the previous night but now he's saying that he's not even sure if God wants us to be together. I am just totally lost this is all out of no where and I can't even come close to be able to express how depressed and heart broken I am right now. He told me he's scared that I won't be happy with him in the future than went on to say that God might not want us together, but he doesn't know. I know hes scared because he's 30 and has already been married and divorced 4 times I guess I would be scared too. I have been praying about our relationship from day one and I have never felt anything negative about us being together acutally it's the opposite for me I see myself marrying him and have felt that's what God wanted for me.
Does this make sense would God share this with only him? And why wait so long? Could he just be thinking too much about it and worrying because his past relationships were unsuccessful? Does the Devil try and destroy relationships?
I know I have so many questions but like I said this really was out of no where I am really confused and very sad right now so I would appreciate any advice with this.

Thanks

I do think that God may well be speaking to him. Maybe you are so in love that you wouldn't hear him anyway, especially if he was telling you to move out.
This man is only 30 and has been married and divorced 4 times. All four divorces have one thing in common, and that is him. There are almost certainly some very major issues that he needs sorting out and the last thing God would want him to do is to marry yet again. He will take all of those issues into his marriage.
I am also assuming that at his age, he hasn't long been divorced. He needs time and space for God to work in his life and to work on his total failure in relationships and being unable to hold down a marriage.
Also you don't mention if he has children, but he also needs to be a good dad and give them what they need before he even thinks of another relationship.

I am not sure what the failure rates are for 5Th marriages. Someone I know went out with a three times divorced man (although he was much older than your guy) and I think that failure rates for 4th marriages were 92%. 5th marriages must be higher still, so the likely hood is that only about 1 in 20 or so of 5th marriages will work. Is that what you want?.There is a reason why he has jumped from one marriage, to another, to another.There are unresolved issues.Maybe for the first time he is actually listening to God, so let him obey God and do what He has said.

I think he is being very brave. I cant see anyway that God would want him to marry for the 5th time when he is still only 30. Maybe one day God will lead him to marry again, but not for many many years I wouldn't have thought. The red flags are waving strong and high. Please let yourself see them.
Either go back home or look for a job and move out. God is trying to save you both from another disaster

Thanks for your reply, it unfortunitly makes sense.

Quote from: AlyAshLyn on Tue Feb 09, 2010 - 12:48:04
Thanks for your reply, it unfortunitly makes sense.

I am so glad that you can see that. I certainly dont like having to say things like that, but sometimes people outside can see things that those inside cant. God Bless

I think you already see the writing on the wall. If I were you I would fast and pray for God to remove that soul tie and any false covenants you may have established with him. Pray that God helps you guard your heart and mind and be careful about having false impressions about people. Such as seeing things in a man that aren't there. Pray that the Holy Spirit would help you discern the motives of people entering in your life so that you learn fromt his and don't have to be tested again. Don't allow the enemy to burden you with feelings of guilt (what did I do wrong?), resentment, bitterness, rejection, betrayal, attachments...believe God for the husband that He wants you to have and pray against any blockages or barriers to walking in God's fulfillment of purpose. 

   RUN FAR AND FAST!

So, where does my attention need to go?

You, LORD, know these people.

And You are not limited by what has happened, already.

You can do whatever You please with these people, now.

It's raining . . . cooling, calming, cleansing, freshening.
So, let us not continue in what is otherwise

Let us trust You and how You guide us in Your peace,
and discover better than what we have been thinking about and wishing for.

"For wisdom is better than rubies,
And all the things one may desire
    cannot be compared with her."
                 (Proverbs 8:11)

I just want to say that I truly appreciate all your comments and feedback. However, I just don't understand why God would wait 8 months before saying anything (I don't think He didn't notice all this time) and why only to him? Since we first got together I have prayed about our relationship and at no point did I get even slightest feeling that God didn't want us together. Over the past few days I have been praying like crazy about this and I have begged God to let me feel what he is but the feeling that I need to help him through this and stick by him gets stronger. I have asked my mom and his grandmother to pray about this also, both of our families have been feeling that God put us together. He's going off this feeling of fear that he's been having, God doesn't make you feel fear, or at least that's what I have been told to believe.
If I need to move out to to help him I will, but I won't give up on this relationship until God tells me to, I dedicated myself to this man and I plan on helping him figure this out even if the end result is painful.
What do I need to do so that I'm sure what I'm feeling isn't just my own emotions and so I can truly sense God's will in this. I have prayed for help with that but my feelings haven't changed. I'm trying to get a feeling from God that I need to leave and move on I'm asking for it and I have opened my mind and heart to it, but Im just not getting it. Am I doing something wrong? Am I looking for something that I'm not supposed to feel? Please understand that I want to follow God's will and not what I want and I'm not trying to justify anything I'm just being honest. Usually God gives me guidence with things like this but in the past it was always to leave the person I was with and since I'm getting the opposite this time I'm confused as to what to think.

My problem with prayer is usually that I'm not willing to see and hear what God wants to show and say.

I have no idea if that applies to you at all, but there it is anyway, such as it is.

Quote from: AlyAshLyn on Wed Feb 10, 2010 - 08:38:20
I just want to say that I truly appreciate all your comments and feedback. However, I just don't understand why God would wait 8 months before saying anything (I don't think He didn't notice all this time) and why only to him? Since we first got together I have prayed about our relationship and at no point did I get even slightest feeling that God didn't want us together. Over the past few days I have been praying like crazy about this and I have begged God to let me feel what he is but the feeling that I need to help him through this and stick by him gets stronger. I have asked my mom and his grandmother to pray about this also, both of our families have been feeling that God put us together. He's going off this feeling of fear that he's been having, God doesn't make you feel fear, or at least that's what I have been told to believe.
If I need to move out to to help him I will, but I won't give up on this relationship until God tells me to, I dedicated myself to this man and I plan on helping him figure this out even if the end result is painful.
What do I need to do so that I'm sure what I'm feeling isn't just my own emotions and so I can truly sense God's will in this. I have prayed for help with that but my feelings haven't changed. I'm trying to get a feeling from God that I need to leave and move on I'm asking for it and I have opened my mind and heart to it, but Im just not getting it. Am I doing something wrong? Am I looking for something that I'm not supposed to feel? Please understand that I want to follow God's will and not what I want and I'm not trying to justify anything I'm just being honest. Usually God gives me guidence with things like this but in the past it was always to leave the person I was with and since I'm getting the opposite this time I'm confused as to what to think.

It;s obvious to me that your boyfriend is using God as his scapegoat to not marry you. It's clear that if he was walking in a mature relationship with Christ that he would have hopefully been delivered from perpetuating the breaking of covenants over and over again. That is a major problem. My advice would be to stop trying to reason what only God knows. You really don't know what issues your BF really has. The multiple marriages should have been a red flag for you, but you justified your feelings for him with by believing God wanted you to be with this man. Your feelings haven't changed because you maybe haven't really and honestly wanted God's will for your life. You still want your BF to magically change his mind and be with you. All of us struggle with this. Like I said in my previous post, until you stop seeing things in people that aren't there, God cannot speak to you regarding who He wants you to be with because your emotions are clouding the communication. When you pray there is "static". Your soul's mind, will and emotions mixed in what your spirit wants to communicate to God. This is where fasting come in to play. Anyway.....I think it may be a good start to think about why you justified this relationship in the first place. Think about and ask God to help you break the soul tie as as said earlier. I know this isn't what you want to hear but the answers you are looking for cannot be given by anyone one this board. The sooner you realize that and try to move on in your heart the better you'll be.

Quote from: AlyAshLyn on Wed Feb 10, 2010 - 08:38:20
I just want to say that I truly appreciate all your comments and feedback. However, I just don't understand why God would wait 8 months before saying anything (I don't think He didn't notice all this time) and why only to him? Since we first got together I have prayed about our relationship and at no point did I get even slightest feeling that God didn't want us together. Over the past few days I have been praying like crazy about this and I have begged God to let me feel what he is but the feeling that I need to help him through this and stick by him gets stronger. I have asked my mom and his grandmother to pray about this also, both of our families have been feeling that God put us together. He's going off this feeling of fear that he's been having, God doesn't make you feel fear, or at least that's what I have been told to believe.
If I need to move out to to help him I will, but I won't give up on this relationship until God tells me to, I dedicated myself to this man and I plan on helping him figure this out even if the end result is painful.
What do I need to do so that I'm sure what I'm feeling isn't just my own emotions and so I can truly sense God's will in this. I have prayed for help with that but my feelings haven't changed. I'm trying to get a feeling from God that I need to leave and move on I'm asking for it and I have opened my mind and heart to it, but Im just not getting it. Am I doing something wrong? Am I looking for something that I'm not supposed to feel? Please understand that I want to follow God's will and not what I want and I'm not trying to justify anything I'm just being honest. Usually God gives me guidence with things like this but in the past it was always to leave the person I was with and since I'm getting the opposite this time I'm confused as to what to think.

Feelings are 100% unreliable when  it comes to discerning Gods will. I don't think God has taken 8 months to warn him, I think he has been trying to warn you and him for ages, but it is only now that your friend has come out and said anything. Your boyfriends lack of peace is from God, I am sure of that.I am also sure that you are trying to convince yourself that God wants to you to stay when He doesn't.
As for you, He has warned you. Everyone here can see that this is a disaster waiting to happen, but you cant.  You are in love and you will see what you want to see. I have seen this in people time and time again. People who were convinced that God was telling them to something that was wrong and clearly misled or against Gods will.

As for your mother, are you honestly telling me that she wants her daughter to be the 5Th wife of a 30 year old man?I have 2 daughters in their 20's and I would be appalled if either of them met a man who had been divorced 4 times. It means almost certain disaster if they married.

You also need to look into why the marriages ended. Was there unfaithfulness on his part? On their part? Were any of the divorces Biblical (ie for adultery?)Why did they end?Who divorced who?Why did he jump from one marriage straight into another?Has he got dependant children? is he being a good father to them, by seeing them regularly and paying towards their keep?All these questions will help you to see what is happening More clearly, but believe me, if a man of 30 has been divorced 4 times there is something VERY wrong and he needs God to deal with all these issues over a long period of time

The main thing that concerns me is that your boyfriend has clearly told you that God has told him that you two shouldn't be together, and yet you are totally ignoring that, and claiming that you know better. Listen to what he has said, believe what he has said and respect what he has said and leave. You are not respecting his relationship with God and his desire to be obedient to him.

  I hope that you go to a good church there,and I would recommend that you go and speak to your pastor who will hopefully give you some more godly advice.
the red flags are there, you just cant or wont see them.

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Feb 10, 2010 - 18:53:57

Quote from: AlyAshLyn on Wed Feb 10, 2010 - 08:38:20
I just want to say that I truly appreciate all your comments and feedback. However, I just don't understand why God would wait 8 months before saying anything (I don't think He didn't notice all this time) and why only to him? Since we first got together I have prayed about our relationship and at no point did I get even slightest feeling that God didn't want us together. Over the past few days I have been praying like crazy about this and I have begged God to let me feel what he is but the feeling that I need to help him through this and stick by him gets stronger. I have asked my mom and his grandmother to pray about this also, both of our families have been feeling that God put us together. He's going off this feeling of fear that he's been having, God doesn't make you feel fear, or at least that's what I have been told to believe.
If I need to move out to to help him I will, but I won't give up on this relationship until God tells me to, I dedicated myself to this man and I plan on helping him figure this out even if the end result is painful.
What do I need to do so that I'm sure what I'm feeling isn't just my own emotions and so I can truly sense God's will in this. I have prayed for help with that but my feelings haven't changed. I'm trying to get a feeling from God that I need to leave and move on I'm asking for it and I have opened my mind and heart to it, but Im just not getting it. Am I doing something wrong? Am I looking for something that I'm not supposed to feel? Please understand that I want to follow God's will and not what I want and I'm not trying to justify anything I'm just being honest. Usually God gives me guidence with things like this but in the past it was always to leave the person I was with and since I'm getting the opposite this time I'm confused as to what to think.

Feelings are 100% unreliable when  it comes to discerning Gods will. I don't think God has taken 8 months to warn him, I think he has been trying to warn you and him for ages, but it is only now that your friend has come out and said anything. Your boyfriends lack of peace is from God, I am sure of that.I am also sure that you are trying to convince yourself that God wants to you to stay when He doesn't.
As for you, He has warned you. Everyone here can see that this is a disaster waiting to happen, but you cant.  You are in love and you will see what you want to see. I have seen this in people time and time again. People who were convinced that God was telling them to something that was wrong and clearly misled or against Gods will.

As for your mother, are you honestly telling me that she wants her daughter to be the 5Th wife of a 30 year old man?I have 2 daughters in their 20's and I would be appalled if either of them met a man who had been divorced 4 times. It means almost certain disaster if they married.

You also need to look into why the marriages ended. Was there unfaithfulness on his part? On their part? Were any of the divorces Biblical (ie for adultery?)Why did they end?Who divorced who?Why did he jump from one marriage straight into another?Has he got dependant children? is he being a good father to them, by seeing them regularly and paying towards their keep?All these questions will help you to see what is happening More clearly, but believe me, if a man of 30 has been divorced 4 times there is something VERY wrong and he needs God to deal with all these issues over a long period of time
The main thing that concerns me is that your boyfriend has clearly told you that God has told him that you two shouldn't be together, and yet you are totally ignoring that, and claiming that you know better. Listen to what he has said, believe what he has said and respect what he has said and leave.

the red flags are there, you just cant or wont see them.

I have to co-sign with this. It's sort of tough love but sometimes being babied isn't going to help us not want someone who doesn't want us. I feel for her as I'm going through this myself. It's just the denial stage. She will get it soon. Praying for you hun!

I guess when I post a question such as the one I have I need to clarify a little better. First, he did not say he wants me to leave or wants to end the relationship just that he has had a feeling that we need to live separately, he has told me that he doesn't understand this feeling and that he needs to continue to pray over it. I'm not justifying anything, like I said before I'm being honest. I want God to share with me what He possibly could be telling my boyfriend. My boyfriend is confused by what he is feeling and doesn't know why out of no where this has started. If it was as simple as him just not wanting to be with me I wouldn't be here posting my questions. Right now he has put me in a situation where I have to wait for him to figure out what God is telling him, he doesn't want me to leave yet or even plan on it he just wants me to be patient, which is harder than if he just told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted me to leave at least then I would know what to expect.
Since his past marriage issues seem to be so relevant here's the deal with them: his first wife (which really doesn't even count as a wife) was still married to another man during the course of the 2 week long nonlegal marriage, 2nd and 3rd cheated on him while he was in Iraq and 4th was verbally and physically abusive towards him and left after she became pregnant because she got what she wanted from him - a baby. He tried to hold on to his marriages except the first for obvious reasons.  I know everyone is probably thinking "yeah right he told her what he wanted her to hear" actually his mother told me before I even met him, I was friends and neighbors with his mother and she talked to me about all her kids. Yes, he does have children that he supports every month without fail, they live in different states so he doesn't have the ability to see them regularly just during the summer and some holidays.
Another thing that I apparently haven't been clear on is that I want to ignore my feelings and listen to God I am in no way to trying to ignore what I'm being told. The fasting idea was great and I want to try it, I have never fasted before so I have no idea what I'm supposed to do so if you could give me some tips for properly doing it that would be amazing.
I am currently looking for work and trying to find a place, this just came at a horrible time because I have 3 little girls and no means of supporting us and I live two states away from all my family, I know God will provide and that's what I'm putting my faith in, I'm waiting for that job to fall into my lap though.

Sorry if that came off harsh...I think since you have children and basically depended on this guy marrying you and now he wants to put you out; it is understandable in one regard if you two are 'doing the do' and he is convicted by it. On the other hand it's kind of messed up since you have no where else to go...I'll get back to you on fasting

Oh dear, the fact that you have three kids in the mix makes it even more concerning. They have presumably already been through one marriage break up and , have had this move two states away and now it looks as if that isn't working out. You must have moved there after having only known him for a short time, after all it has only been 8 months now (hardly any time at all) and there are probably many things about him that you have no idea about.
I would HONESTLY go home to your family. Pray and wait on God for a year or so and see what happens.With three children to think about it is even more important that you see the dangers of staying with this man.They need security and they need to live in a stable environment. you really need to put them first in all this and see the dangers of staying with a man who is disastrous at relationships and marriages, and who lives too far from his children to hardly ever see them.

His mum will always give a one sided picture of his marriages and what went wrong, that's what mums do.They are biased. He is either an extremely poor judge of character with women that he marries, or part, at least, of the divorces were down to him.
Why did he marry a women who was abusive anyway?My guess is that he has married these women without knowing them well, and when that marriage failed he just went on and did exactly the same thing again.
Jim Smoke, a man who counsels thousands of divorced people and started the divorce recovery classes, says to allow 3-5 years after a divorce before even THNKING of another relationship. Tat is after one divorce. How much more necessary must that be if you have had 4.

I feel so strongly that God is shouting at you both "DONT DO IT". I cant see that there is anyway that God would want him to jump into yet another marriage at this point Its got disaster written all over it. I can totally understand why he is saying what he is. He has already got some children to support,and maybe he is also worrying about having three more in the house to support unless he is very rich.Whether it is God speaking or not, he is actually being very wise and sensible and he knows that going into his 5Th marriage at this point is bad news.

Please think hard. Your children have to come first. It all spells disaster.

Do you both go to church? If you do get some godly advise from the pastor, if you don't, then find a good church. You both need to spend time getting closer to God and concentrating on him, your children and giving your children the stability that they need.I know its not easy being a single mum, I have been there, but to jump into another marriage with this unstable man, isn't going to help at all.

Does your mother honestly want you to marry a 30 year old 4 times divorced man? If she does I would find that very strange.

Alright, so I have an update on this stressful situation. Yesterday my boyfriend finally got what he was praying for he told me that while he was on the phone with his grandmother, getting spiritual adivice God told him that we need to start over. So once my girls finish school this year which I think is in June I will be moving out and we will date normally. Is that a good sign that God wants us to start over, He didn't say end the relationship just start it over. He wouldn't put us, well mostly me through this if He didn't have plans for us together right? I'm confused but I also feel peace about this, even though I don't have a job yet, I'll have to buy a new car and house hold items that I left when I moved here. Please tell me this is  a good sign. I want to do want God wants me to do and I also want to save this relationship. I have never ever felt peace about a relationship like I do with this man, I have also never doubted it, which is why I don't want to just give up on it. Well anyway any thoughts?

If you intend to live apart and have a time of courtship and wait to see if something works out about being married, then you do need to move out.  It's too much to expect to be able to do all that while living under the same roof.

If, on the other hand, you fully intend to marry, then you need to review your situation and see why not get married now?

If you have been living as husband and wife, and if you do intend to officially marry, then do it.

The main reason to move out would be if you need to have a time of prayer and quiet, apart, while you see if you ought to marry at all.  If you're going to marry you can do it and it will be consecrated and legal and everything, just by the two of you getting married.

I'm thinking you need to have a pastor in on this. But be careful and as honest as you can, that you are not just finding people who will go along with you.

And I'd say you can be investing in getting into good relationships with different people who are good for you, including ones who have succeeded in marriage and bringing up their kids well. But, again, of course, ones can say they brought up their children to be good kids, and you can have *our* human tendency to find ones who will agree with you. We all need to pray and get blessed with honesty.

And if you and he are living together with your children, is he doing anything to help them learn and grow as Christians? Yes, your present example of living together can be a bad example, for them. But you can deal with doing better, while you are together. They need you two to be a good example to them, of how to relate.

But I think Janine is saying that if you really find you belong together, it can be good just to get pronounced and stay together, versus moving out, first.

But I'd say if reality is that you stay together a while unmarried, definitely keep it moral and, as well as you can, get more into being good example for your children; and as you do this, this could help you get more with God so you move right. But I consider the Bible says he is your "head" (Ephesians 5:23) if God is putting you together; so if he says he needs space, including you moving out, or space while living in, be freeing for him, as his helpmate to encourage him to make sure with God; yet, also, I'd say you need to grow and do better to do things *as one*, like a head *attached* to his body And this you need to do, anyway, even if you do not get married; because all of us brothers and sisters need to be able to relate as one, "submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:23) So, be brother and sister, together, even if you manage not to get married. Get more into being devoted and committed to him as your brother, so you are ready to be there for him, either way to support him.

I can see the point of not letting past evil or even present wrongs be what decides what you do. God is the One to decide.

We have some interesting stories of what were no-way relationships and God corrected and healed and established couples to get right with Him and do well.

One preacher told something like this: she and her guy were together, they both got saved, then he took off, then he went through rehab and got with God; then, after they were restored a while, the one he cheated with called to let him know she was pregnant and he's the daddy. She freaked, but gave it to God and now she uses him as her preaching illustration, and he seems mellow and humble and servant, and I feel they do good, now.

Our church had a guy who was an atheist, he came to our church with a Christian daughter of a couple in our church. He saw how people cared about him, and got saved and they got married, I think, after he got saved. But he broke down to drugs and was running off from his own screaming kids, but went through rehab, got straight, and now he's pastoring us. He preaches that he apologizes to his family after he argues, and she usually turns out to be right. But they work as a couple, I would say. He balances the rehab discipleship organization's computer system of New England with Puerto Rico, has flown there, and does our church.

What does your guy do?