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Greetings

I am in college and I have recently started a relationship with a close friend of mine, a girl that I have known for many years and always had deep affection for. I come here today looking for some guidance and perspective, any you can give would be much appreciated.

I have never been in a relationship centered around the Lord before. I want to, more than anything, I was just never far enough along in my spiritual journey before now, never strong enough. It wasn't until just a few months ago that i truly accepted the Lord into my life and let him take control, the girl I am dating has been strong in her faith for years.  We both want a relationship together, and we want it to be centered around Christ, sometimes I just get confused as to how to get there.

We come from different backgrounds, hers Protestant/Evangelical and mine Catholic.  I have always been a romantic while she has been taught that she needs to guard her heart against others so as not to distract from her relationship with the Lord.  We get on well with each other so far, being 2 months in. We are constantly having discussions about matters of faith, whether it be sharing our testimonies with each other, explaining our views on matters or simply sharing how the Lord has presented himself in our life on any given day.  We also give each other appropriate time to be alone with God, understanding that it is important for both of us to have that private, personal conversation with the Lord.  At the same time we have a pretty "average" relationship: we eat dinner together, watch movies, hug and occasionally kiss.

Where I am hoping to get some guidance is what else can we do?/what do we need to change?

We both agree that sex is off the table and that a healthy amount of physical intimacy is ok (as long as it is not done for lustful reasons)

This is a girl that means a lot to me, not because of how she makes me feel (though she does make me feel good) but because I want to be a positive force in her life, I want to make her happy.

So there is that, any help/words of advice you can give are much appreciated.

Tha main problem I see is that you are catholic and she is protestant. There are BIG differences in beliefs and practises in the two churches that can cause problems later on if things develop.I personally would never marry a Catholic because I disagree with much of what they believe.I dont know where you go to church or where she goes, or whether you have any big differences on this area.

For example if you are a catholic you will be expected to marry in a Catholic church and to bring any future children up in the Catholic church.

You also mention that a healthy amount of physical imtimacy is OK but not sex. Be warned that the closer you get to actual sex, the harder it is to stop, so if possible stick to cuddling and kissing while you are going out.

Both things that you have mentioned we have discussed. I was raised Catholic but I certainly do not agree with much of what the Catholic Church believes. In our discussions we have discovered that while we do have some different traditions/beliefs in "minor" areas, we agree on the beliefs and practices that we hold to be the most important.

As for physicality, you are right, it is tough. I have made it pretty clear to her that I do not want our relationship to go any further than kissing at this point, because I know that it is a slippery slope. We try to keep an open dialogue going about what is going on and if we are ok with it.

OK...sounds like you two are off to a great start.

BUT

You want advice as to how to keep going on the path you have really started well upon. And for this great start and desire....you have my real respect and admiration...you have been doing a great job.

OK...so here is some advice.

You two go together to church regularly...look for opportunities to serve...not neccesarily together but simply with the talents, abilities and places either of you see you can be of use.

Then take a lesson from the Lord's prayer.
The very first word in it...

and "Our Father" isn't one word..it is two.

"Our" is the first word. Meaning that there is a collective that YOU are speaking for.
Lead her in Prayer.
Lead her in devotional times that are for the two of you specifically.
You have a "house" to set up...begin that process and make absolute standards of conduct/heart conditions that must be adhered to for your Christian home...and live by them and demanding that all who wish to enter must abide by those ideals in some fashion. 

Meaning that she has the right to input as far as those decisions go...but the final say is yours. And you need to be conscious of her desires. DONT BREAK HER HEART with those decisions. Cause if you do...you will only be breaking your own heart. SHe will boogie on to find a man who won't break her heart.

You will find that these sorts of things will work well in attaining your goals and dreams. I am sure that after thinking on this you will know of a few more ideas to begin to do. You will find the rewards to be amazing.

Well, you have learned things I never came close to learning while I was a Roman Catholic. So, God can bring you where you need to go. And you are a unique couple; so there are things no one else will be able to tell you. But He will use people to help you.

I know someone non-Catholic who is with a Catholic woman; he has found out that they have not been able to control themselves. Things can add up; if you have had it tough, already, possibly you need to make some adjustments so both of you are more with God, then test how He has you go. You are doing things that are more or less by yourselves, and maybe you are isolating yourselves too much.

But I am prejudiced because I am checking out a number of different relationships to see if any is for marriage developing. My approach is to first deal with being pleasing to God, submitting to see how He takes me and my thinking and feelings in His peace (Colossians 3:15). And listen. Pay attention to what each woman says she wants, and don't argue, but take heed And see if we are relating, "submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21) And I must not ever be trying to lord myself over *any* person, including my wife, even if I am her "head" (Ephesians 5:23). That's something else I go by: see if I am becoming a lady's "head", and this including becoming an example for her, "nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3) I understand this is how God will have me relating in a Christian marriage; so I sort out who might be my wife, by seeing where this way of relating takes me with each one.

And I understand this will mean *not isolating*, but in God's love and relating we will be more and more intimate and involved with various other Christians who will also be growing with us in this. And older Christians can feed us with their examples of how they have related so their marriages have grown better and better. How many senior mature Christian couples have you been sharing with??

First of all I want to say that I really appreciate the feedback that I have gotten....now to try and organize an answer 

We actually just reached the decision recently that we do want to start attending church together...before now we have been attending on campus worship groups together, but never actual church services. She wants to experience Catholic mass, and I want to experience her Evangelical service, we figure that after we each have both experiences we can make a decision on what to do more permanently moving forward.

John....i feel I understand much of what you are saying and it is great, but could you perhaps elaborate a little more on what you mean in regards to setting up a "house". She has talked to me before about how the man must lead in all things, especially faith, and I assume that you are speaking of something akin to that, I just want clarification.

comfy.....bless you for addressing this as you did. Something I have struggled with is this feeling that I am not adequate in my faith to be an example to her, to be her "head". Now after reading over Ephesians and taking some time to think this over and pray on it, I feel more confident in it. I am newer to my faith than she is, I am still learning how best to please the Lord....but then again we are all of us constantly learning new things and I no longer doubt that I can set and be a good example to her.

At this point I am sure you are familiar with the Patriarchs. (Sons of Jacob and etc)

Each of these men and other "heroes" of the faith all didn't live alone or in a vacuum with their families.  The neighbors all were into other things other than God. And many of those things seemed tempting I am sure at that time. You however are to be responsible for the wellbeing of all who live with you. (This girl and any children...maybe siblings or cousins needing a place to crash for a bit)

Today the equivalents aren't so much different.

Television, internet, and other activities sure can be a distraction and getting caught up in them so much that you don't set up a specific time for the focus to be on God and family...that your house ends up everywhere and worried about anything and everything but God.

You don't have to be the biggest biblical scholar to have a real relationship with God. Being a Christian isn't about having all the right answers...(having them only usually ensures that you will be a pharisee) It is about having a relationship with a really incredible and Good God. I have seen more people with wonderful hearts do more good and righteous things than many so-called scholars have. 
All a matter of hearts that have and exercise grace, mercy, and forgiveness (all parts of Love)

But...you having a real desire to know and that your family know and continue to seek out God...that is what you are to do.  She will follow that lead very easily and will commit to a guy leading in that direction. (not a commanding thing...a leading thing)

Catholic or protestant...I really wouldn't worry too much about...find a place the two of you together fit in. She ain't gonna be happy with Catholic...just as you ain't. You aint gonna be happy with "spirit filled" either.

Maybe somewhere in between like a Presbyterian or Methodist type congregation will be to your liking...or some flavor of Baptist. You won't know till you get there...

I am sure you will do just fine. 

Hi, New And Learning . . .  

QuoteShe wants to experience Catholic mass, and I want to experience her Evangelical service, we figure that after we each have both experiences we can make a decision on what to do more permanently moving forward.

I have gotten very good things that were in a Catholic priest's sermon. But we need the overall message and feeding of God's word, and this in personal sharing with others in the unity of the Holy Spirit's love; you need others who feed you their examples of how to love and how to relate in marriage and how to bring up children. Because we are all "members of one another", we have in Romans 12:5 and in Ephesians 5:25. We need each other, and this includes various other Christians. Again, I offer you need to share with seniors who are mature Christians who can feed you their example and counsel, along with however a pastoring couple shares with you. You might take the adventure of reading 1 Timothy 3:1-10 and share with us what you get out of this

QuoteSomething I have struggled with is this feeling that I am not adequate in my faith to be an example to her, to be her "head". Now after reading over Ephesians and taking some time to think this over and pray on it, I feel more confident in it.

"So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." (Romans 10:17) God's word can give us more and more confidence about what is possible for us with God.

QuoteI am newer to my faith than she is, I am still learning how best to please the Lord....but then again we are all of us constantly learning new things and I no longer doubt that I can set and be a good example to her.

You say you are newer in your faith than she is. But you two are a unique couple; so I need to not be making any conclusions about you because of some generalization. Even so, as a *generalization*, I am concerned about people who marry ones who are much weaker than they are. If you are weaker than she is, I do not understand why she would want to marry a "head" that is not as strong as she is. Because if we are strong as Christians, with God we can connect with another mature person who is like we ourselves are.

I suspect we have people who will marry someone who is weaker so they can *feel* they have security and control of that person. This can be because someone fears getting with someone who is strong enough to get control in their marriage. Now, of course, like I say, I don't know you two. But, actually, *if* she is doing something like this, maybe not realizing this, then she may *not* be really so strong like she
*seems*; and you can be the gentle husband she needs to encourage her so she knows you aren't going to put her down to get control over her.

But, instead of trying to get security and control, we need to deal with getting God's correction so we find out how to love. Ones can take shortcuts to avoid dealing with God and how He does correct (Hebrews 12:4-11). This submitting to our Father for His correction is scary (it says His correction is "painful", "grievous"); it can seem more desirable to just have some romantic nicies together with someone of our own feather, and hang with other people more our own speed.

About establishing your home, I offer that if you two are Christians, you are going to *grow* and mature to be better at knowing how to do things together; so it can be good not to get too many things set, now, while you still need to grow more in how you can understand and decide to do things. But a basic includes, "submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21) And, "nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 peter 5:3) I have already offered these, but we need to keep feeding on these There are nutritional things we need to eat, every day

So, I'd say you need to find a mature pastoring couple who can feed you their example. An example is someone who you can actually get to know and share with so you get to know the couple's example that can show you what words can not tell us. And it is your adventure to discover what really goes for you two, but with the help of someone who meets the qualifications of 1 Timothy 3:1-10

Thank you both so much for your words, thoughts and suggestions.

I read over the passage from Timothy and I think it is important that we seek out an older couple living that kind of life and learn from them.  So far in our relationship our only real "model" to go off of has been her parents and some slightly older couples (maybe 5 years older). This has been immensely helpful to us but I think we do need to seek out another couple that we can connect with and learn from.

John thank you for putting it in language I was more able to receive and understand. Last night before i went to bed I faced head on my qualms about not being good enough, my fears that I was not able to set an example for this girl and lead her. After confronting it and praying on it, I feel a lot better about my place, my faith, and my role in this budding relationship.

I am sure there is something I have forgotten to address, but once again thank you both so much. God bless

Hi OP, check out my signature line.  That's one definition of biblical submission.