Christian Forums

Ok, so this is gonna be a long post! Here goes. . .
My bf & I have been together for 2 yrs. We met immediately after my divorce, things progressed pretty quickly between us. After we had been dating for about 4-5 months he told me he was being stationed in another state (military) and asked me to go with him. It took me an additional 4 months to actually say "yes". So, after being together for 10 months I moved 1/2 way across the country to be with him; he deployed less than 1 month after I got there. I then waited for him during his deployment & I did everything in my power to keep him confident that I was being faithful to him; I slept with my laptop & phone just in case he were to call or IM, I had my IM account set up ON my phone so that he would be able to reach me regardless of where I was or what I was doing, I sent him packages @least 2x/month. . . I did everything I could imagine. When he returned home from deployment, I found out that he had cheated on me before I moved away with him. This crushed me, but I also felt that since it had been over a year since this had happened. . . things had changed. I mean, I know that I love him more now than I did a year ago. Then with in a couple weeks of finding out about all of this, I then find out that he was "trying" to cheat on me while he was deployed. I say "trying" because he was talking to this girl, emailing her, IMing her, etc. Granted, he did NOT physically cheat on me with her, he was cheating emotionally. I decided that because I love him so much & he says he loves me & that he doesn't want me to leave, that I would try to get past this. Now. . . . I went to visit  my family for Easter & he stayed with his family & when I returned home I again, FIND OUT, that he was texting some girl he knew in high school & sent her a picture of himself (not an x-rated pic, just a normal pic). I confronted him about this, he told me that she sent him a message on facebook & they started texting each other, she asked for a pic, he sent it. He said she called & they just "chit-chatted" for a little while, she "offered" for him to come see her but he declined. He says that he loves me & he does not know why he does stupid stuff like this. He says that the only explanation he can think of is that he does it for attention, that he had no intention of "going through" with anything (physically cheating) with the girl during his deployment nor with the girl he was texting. He said it's like he just wants to know that he "still has IT" & that once he knows that the other girl is interested then he is done; he only does it for the attention from a female @ the time it is happening. He says he doesn't even find the other girls attractive, it just makes him feel good to know that he "hasn't lost IT".
I love him. I don't want to leave. He says he loves me & I believe he does love me, but I don't know why on earth he would keep jeopardizing our relationship. It seems as though he does something stupid like this every time our relationship is going great; almost as if he starts to panic because things are going too good??? His relationship with me is the longest he has ever had, he has never lived with a woman. . . maybe he is in panic mode?

heartbroken,

First, I am so sorry for your pain. 

Second, regards to your situation...you need to run.  Run fast, run far.  He is manipulating you and will continue to cheat on you.

Finally...PRAY, pray hard, open yourself up to the Lord and HE will direct your path.

I will be praying for you.

Bond

Sounds like he has a deep insecurity.  This can drive him to manipulate, cheat, abuse, etc.  If he is unable to be self-assured and faithful while dating, then he can't be faithful when married either.   There is a reason he hasn't had a lengthy relationship-- I think you have found out why. He needs to grow up yet.

heart broken
You dont say if you are a christian, or if he is, but that would affect what I would say. However one of the things that would cocern me, is that he seems paranoid that you may cheat and yet he is the one who has cheated. weird.
If you ARE a Christian then you need to seperate, because you are in a sinful relationship, and if he is a non believer that is another reason why you need to do this. Apart from that he cant be trusted and has many red flags about him. He seems very immature, not to be trusted and  this will probably only get worse, my feeling is that he says that he loves you, but acts as if he doesnt.
I think he is bad news.
Ask God for a godly man to come into your life, but first you need to get right with God.

Hey Heartbroken....
I am so sorry for your pain. One thing my Mom always told me when I was dating was "Shame on him for doing it the first time. Shame on me if I'm there for a second time." This most certainly applied to the cheating.

Would you do these things to him? If not, then really consider that. You should want to be with someone who treats you with the same love and respect that you treat them with.  If you wouldn't emotionally cheat on him, then don't accept him doing it to you. Go by his actions and not his words. Words can be used to make you believe a lot of things. The only true way to see how much he cares about you is through his actions when he is with you and away from you.

God bless!

Quote from: marie69 on Fri Apr 23, 2010 - 16:51:42
Go by his actions and not his words. Words can be used to make you believe a lot of things. The only true way to see how much he cares about you is through his actions when he is with you and away from you.

God bless!

As above. If he'll cheat now, he'll cheat later - unless he goes on the journey and makes all the decisions to get free from that.

Something I've been wanting to say on here for a long time, is that a woman who blames the 'other' woman for her husbands infidelity is probably one of its chief causes.

If you make excuses for his behaviour, you'll wear it. He's proven to you that he can't be trusted. You can't make another person fit your own fantasy. He is who he is and you can't change that. Turning a blind eye in the hope that he'll 'become it' will just do damage if you're wrong. And serial cheating???

A cheater can change but it can take years (and years.) And more fool you if you treat him with more virtue then he actually has in the meantime. It's asking for it. - Like the above poster said, I like the expression too - 'fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me.' Sometimes we can go into things with our eyes wide shut hoping the rocks we saw on the road will disappear.

Things like this can damage and destroy not only your life, but potentially the lives of children you might have in the future. It's not fair to them, let alone you.