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Hello All!


This is my first post at this forum, and I am very grateful that I found this place. I have been constantly looking for good sources of advice, and it seems that all the friends that I could usually rely on have become inaccessible (most are in the service and are either in training or deployed).

This being said, I have been dating a nice Christian woman for about a month and a half now. I am a senior in college, and though she is actually younger than I, she graduated from the same college this past December. We both met through our student job (she couldn't find work, so she stayed for one additional semester working) driving transit buses for the university. At first, everything was going great. We seemed to click right off the bat. As I continued to get to know her, we discovered that we shared a majority of the same beliefs and opinions on Biblical doctrine as well as life values and political leanings. This was about mid way through the semester. Unfortunately, I allowed my own concerns and fears to influence me to try to grab the reigns from God, and by doing so ended up kissing her after dating for about 2 and a half weeks. I know to some that this would seem like a long time (at the time, it did to me, as prior to this point, I was a firm believer in the 'ladder theory'). She reciprocated the kissing, and seemingly had no problem with it until about 2 weeks later, when she confessed to me that everything was initially going smoothly and then just took off, which caused her to lose the transition phases of getting to better know someone. It turns out that she does not fit the bill for the 'ladder theory' (google it), in that in her past she has had guys switch from her 'friends' category to 'romantic interests' category. Ever since then, it has been a real struggle for the both of us. I have asked the Lord for His forgiveness in my ineptness of rushing things (ladder theory and the end of the semester were my main motivators in that) and I have also asked her forgiveness too, which she has given.

There is so much that can be said about this, and the details are very complex. I have continually been praying for His guidance in this, and for His will to be done. I have also been praying if it is His will, that He make this right again. She is currently attempting to decide if she wants to continue this in accordance to what she feels the Lord is leading her to do. I have been praying earnestly about this, and in my own interests have felt the urge to run away before I get hurt. However, when I have prayed for guidance for this particular matter, I have consistently heard a small voice telling me to entrust this whole thing to Him and to not run away. The sermon on Sunday was about hearing God's call and responding to it. I have chosen to say 'Yes, Lord' and continue to obey by trusting in Him to take care of this in His way and time.

My request from you, a group of strangers but hopefully brothers and sisters in Christ, is to pray for her and I in this time of uncertainty. I am also curious if any of you have had rushed relationships in the past and if you have had any success in Him fixing them.

I know it probably isn't the best thing, as it seems to make attachment increase, but we have been taking nightly prayer requests from each other since we started dating.

Throughout this, God has provided in many ways, but lately it seems He has been quiet more on her side than mine. In your experience, do you have any advice on what can be done?

Thank you so much for reading this and responding (if you so choose to).

The Lord Bless You And Keep You!

Quote from: notmyown2010 on Mon May 03, 2010 - 10:19:50
Hello All!


This is my first post at this forum, and I am very grateful that I found this place. I have been constantly looking for good sources of advice, and it seems that all the friends that I could usually rely on have become inaccessible (most are in the service and are either in training or deployed).

This being said, I have been dating a nice Christian woman for about a month and a half now. I am a senior in college, and though she is actually younger than I, she graduated from the same college this past December. We both met through our student job (she couldn't find work, so she stayed for one additional semester working) driving transit buses for the university. At first, everything was going great. We seemed to click right off the bat. As I continued to get to know her, we discovered that we shared a majority of the same beliefs and opinions on Biblical doctrine as well as life values and political leanings. This was about mid way through the semester. Unfortunately, I allowed my own concerns and fears to influence me to try to grab the reigns from God, and by doing so ended up kissing her after dating for about 2 and a half weeks. I know to some that this would seem like a long time (at the time, it did to me, as prior to this point, I was a firm believer in the 'ladder theory'). She reciprocated the kissing, and seemingly had no problem with it until about 2 weeks later, when she confessed to me that everything was initially going smoothly and then just took off, which caused her to lose the transition phases of getting to better know someone. It turns out that she does not fit the bill for the 'ladder theory' (google it), in that in her past she has had guys switch from her 'friends' category to 'romantic interests' category. Ever since then, it has been a real struggle for the both of us. I have asked the Lord for His forgiveness in my ineptness of rushing things (ladder theory and the end of the semester were my main motivators in that) and I have also asked her forgiveness too, which she has given.

There is so much that can be said about this, and the details are very complex. I have continually been praying for His guidance in this, and for His will to be done. I have also been praying if it is His will, that He make this right again. She is currently attempting to decide if she wants to continue this in accordance to what she feels the Lord is leading her to do. I have been praying earnestly about this, and in my own interests have felt the urge to run away before I get hurt. However, when I have prayed for guidance for this particular matter, I have consistently heard a small voice telling me to entrust this whole thing to Him and to not run away. The sermon on Sunday was about hearing God's call and responding to it. I have chosen to say 'Yes, Lord' and continue to obey by trusting in Him to take care of this in His way and time.

My request from you, a group of strangers but hopefully brothers and sisters in Christ, is to pray for her and I in this time of uncertainty. I am also curious if any of you have had rushed relationships in the past and if you have had any success in Him fixing them.

I know it probably isn't the best thing, as it seems to make attachment increase, but we have been taking nightly prayer requests from each other since we started dating.

Throughout this, God has provided in many ways, but lately it seems He has been quiet more on her side than mine. In your experience, do you have any advice on what can be done?

Thank you so much for reading this and responding (if you so choose to).

The Lord Bless You And Keep You!

My advise to you is this...

I would by whatever means find out if she can fulfill the Scripture of

Wives obey your husbands.

If not....depart from evil and lean not unto your own understanding.

If so.....sit back and enjoy her company and become friends and

Wait on the Lord.

If you were dating, rather then being just friends, then I cant quite understand why she would be so badly affected by a kiss, but that's just me. Now I am married, but if I was going out with a guy and he hadn't even kissed me after 2 1/2 weeks I would feel quite hurt and even concerned that he didn't like me that way. Don't get me wrong, I believe 100% in the no sex and no getting anywhere close to sex before marriage, but a kiss?
If you had just been friends and she had made that clear then maybe I could understand her reaction, but how were you supposed to know that it wasn't allowed to her?  I wonder if it is possible that she is afraid of getting close to anyone apart form just being friends?Maybe she isn't ready for that sort of relationship yet.

If you do get back together properly then you need to sort a few things out as to where you stand and what you are and aren't allowed to do as after all you are not a mind reader. My advise would be to be cautious about starting again with her. It seems that she is very unsure about getting close to anyone,and  to take such offence that she is thinking of stopping the relationship for such a small mistake, seems an overreaction to me but that's just my opinion. We all make mistakes all the time, so it is something that she will need to get used to.  It sounds to me as if she really only wants a friend at this time in her life. If you are happy with that then that's fine.

@ mosesthelevite:

I asked her what her thoughts were on that scripture, and she said that she agreed with it. I know that words and actions are two different things, but I have been and will continue waiting on Him. I knew I was supposed to do this before you even posted this, as I have been praying for several weeks on what to do and I finally heard that small voice. (In the past, for me, this small voice has proven itself to be the Holy Spirit). At that point, I was strongly debating running, as indicators and things she said were forshadowing an end. However, the small voice told me to "Continue giving this situation over to God fully." I felt compelled to do this, even against my gut instinct of running away. I'm waiting on Him to show my why He wants me to stay. Perhaps it is to give me a life lesson or perhaps He will work things out between us. I really do not know at this point. EDIT: To clarify, I have continually questioned and tested the small voice in major prayer sessions (1-3 hours at times)...trying to sort out my own feelings and eliminate them from the equation...every time, it is the only one that I can't eliminate, and it does not flee when the name of Jesus is invoked upon it. /EDIT

Thank you for your advice! :D


@ chosenone:

We were/are still dating. At first I could not understand why she would be affected as it were.  This was due to my viewing her as every other girl I have dated, and subsequently thought she worked the same. However, just in getting to know her and how she does things, she is definitely unlike any girl I have dated before. She is rather independent in nature, and takes her time in more aspects than just relationships. From what she tells me, her previous relationships went like this: meet boy, spend months getting to know said boy, in this timeframe feelings begin developing for said boy, and then she is comfortable to start a relationship with the boy.
Ours, though, has been faster than her timeline, and I think that is what has freaked her out so to say. She hasn't stopped kissing me altogether, but still does from time to time. I think it also has something to do with her love language, which after taking an assessment for her was quality time at the top, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and last was physical touch.
The thing that boggles my mind is just how many mistakes that we have both made and so far it is still working. To summarize the issue, though, I think she is trying to figure out if she wants to continue this long distance, as at the end of next week she will be moving back home, which is a 3 hour drive from the college town and a 4.5 hour drive from my hometown.

One thing she has expressed is her frustration that she isn't hearing anything from God on this. When I asked for and explanation, she said that with her previous relationships she usually got a clear message on what to do.

I don't know if this clarified anything or just added to the confusion. I hope it did the first and not the latter.

Thank you both for your invaluable input. :D

@ LoveThyLord


Well, I do know that she hasn't heard anything about it. It could be that He is testing her ability to be patient. I have no idea. Tell me what you think, please.

Also, please look at the edit I did. It might clarify a bit more than before.

I think that is a valid opinion you have, to be sure.

While I do desire to eventually be married, I have no idea if she is the one that I should marry. Only time will tell what she hears and subsequently decides to do.

I can understand how my original post might have come across as me hearing only what I wanted to hear. I have since edited it to convey more clearly what I had originally intended.

I have been giving my best to fully yield all aspect of my life to Him, and that includes this.  I have been chilling out since, just waiting for Him to show which way He wants to take her and me.

Thank you for your opinion.

Yes, and amen to both. So is she.  We also should walk by faith, not sight.

Quote from: notmyown2010 on Thu May 06, 2010 - 16:30:23
@ mosesthelevite:

I asked her what her thoughts were on that scripture, and she said that she agreed with it. I know that words and actions are two different things, but I have been and will continue waiting on Him. I knew I was supposed to do this before you even posted this, as I have been praying for several weeks on what to do and I finally heard that small voice. (In the past, for me, this small voice has proven itself to be the Holy Spirit). At that point, I was strongly debating running, as indicators and things she said were forshadowing an end. However, the small voice told me to "Continue giving this situation over to God fully." I felt compelled to do this, even against my gut instinct of running away. I'm waiting on Him to show my why He wants me to stay. Perhaps it is to give me a life lesson or perhaps He will work things out between us. I really do not know at this point. EDIT: To clarify, I have continually questioned and tested the small voice in major prayer sessions (1-3 hours at times)...trying to sort out my own feelings and eliminate them from the equation...every time, it is the only one that I can't eliminate, and it does not flee when the name of Jesus is invoked upon it. /EDIT

Thank you for your advice! :D


@ chosenone:

We were/are still dating. At first I could not understand why she would be affected as it were.  This was due to my viewing her as every other girl I have dated, and subsequently thought she worked the same. However, just in getting to know her and how she does things, she is definitely unlike any girl I have dated before. She is rather independent in nature, and takes her time in more aspects than just relationships. From what she tells me, her previous relationships went like this: meet boy, spend months getting to know said boy, in this timeframe feelings begin developing for said boy, and then she is comfortable to start a relationship with the boy.
Ours, though, has been faster than her timeline, and I think that is what has freaked her out so to say. She hasn't stopped kissing me altogether, but still does from time to time. I think it also has something to do with her love language, which after taking an assessment for her was quality time at the top, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and last was physical touch.
The thing that boggles my mind is just how many mistakes that we have both made and so far it is still working. To summarize the issue, though, I think she is trying to figure out if she wants to continue this long distance, as at the end of next week she will be moving back home, which is a 3 hour drive from the college town and a 4.5 hour drive from my hometown.

One thing she has expressed is her frustration that she isn't hearing anything from God on this. When I asked for and explanation, she said that with her previous relationships she usually got a clear message on what to do.

I don't know if this clarified anything or just added to the confusion. I hope it did the first and not the latter.

Thank you both for your invaluable input. :D

WEll she does sounds unsure at this time I have to say but the distance shouldnt be a problem if she is keen. My son lives 2 1/2 hours drive away from his fiance's university and 4 1/2 hours drive away from her home, but they see each other every other weekend and will marry next year. Maybe that will make or break this relationship, but either way it will show how keen she is.
God Bless

Quote from: chosenone on Thu May 06, 2010 - 22:24:48


WEll she does sounds unsure at this time I have to say but the distance shouldnt be a problem if she is keen. My son lives 2 1/2 hours drive away from his fiance's university and 4 1/2 hours drive away from her home, but they see each other every other weekend and will marry next year. Maybe that will make or break this relationship, but either way it will show how keen she is.
God Bless

It's really in His hands. I wish the best for your son and his fiance. I am doing my best to trust Him in this, as in all things, but I am frustrated at times. I know it is all in His time, but there are times when I wonder why everything is happening in the way that it is. I know it is furthering His plans in some way, but this is the first time I have really been entirely trusting in Him for an answer. I know that I should have been this way for my entire life, but I'm thick skulled and had to run into the wall a few times before I understood what I already knew   ...that I am utterly nothing without Him, as He is the one who does all in me and through me. I have taken some solace in the scripture of Philippians 4:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know that He started this. I do not know the reasons, be it to eventually get married to her, or perhaps to show me that being single is not my path (one of the life goals I had years ago was to join the army and stay in it as a career, never being tied down by a wife...always remaining single....and I never asked God to show His will in it..and as a result, got medically discharged from the college ROTC program)  I have learned quite a bit from this whole thing, to say the least. I guess the thing I have been wondering about is have you or anyone you known ever been in a situation where you are waiting on God to move and either open or close a door? If so, what did you do during that time? Thanks! 

Update:


It has continued to go on in the several weeks since my last posting.  She is still rather indecisive, but I have learned more so that this is her personality (from talking to several of her long time female friends).  Yesterday I was able to attend her church with her and meet her parents (they had come down to assist her move from the college town back to her hometown). I also helped move stuff out and helped her today as well to tie up the odds and ends around the place. We were able to discuss what would be done from here on out, and she still sounds interested in continuing it, albeit she won't be able to talk as much, assuming the job she gets takes up all her time. She also agreed that monthly visits would be okay. Additionally I had neglected to mention that she had been verbally abused by her previous boyfriend and that the reason she ended up breaking up with him was because he pushed the physical aspect too far. She had mentioned this briefly early on and in more detail mid way through, but it never fully occurred to me that this could be a reason she isn't great on decision making or 'committing' (I use this term rather loosely, as there is no truly committed relationship outside of marriage).  I asked her about it, and she admitted that she is still in the healing process from that (over a year ago when that happened). I understand now, and am praying earnestly for her healing.

Anyway, this has gone from a closer proximity deal to a long distance relationship. We normally text/instant message/ or call each other before we go to sleep to gather the other's prayer requests and see how their day went. She said she is good with continuing to do this over this new hurdle we face. She and I are still praying for His will to be revealed in this. The rather ironic thing about the whole thing is that about 3 years ago, I teased my then suite mate about his habit of having long distance relationships and how I would NEVER have one....God does have an interesting sense of humor, no? 

I have compassion for your situation, because these things can be very hard!  But from an initial perspective, I am tempted to say that this situation is caused by over thinking.  If the pace of the relationship is mutually instinctive, then you are not rushing.  Although it seems she is apprehensive about the pace of the relationship because of past mistakes, so all you can do is be supportive of her and try to help her through that and be the best man that you can be. 

Quote from: notmyown2010 on Thu May 06, 2010 - 16:30:23
@ mosesthelevite:

I asked her what her thoughts were on that scripture, and she said that she agreed with it. I know that words and actions are two different things, but I have been and will continue waiting on Him. I knew I was supposed to do this before you even posted this, as I have been praying for several weeks on what to do and I finally heard that small voice. (In the past, for me, this small voice has proven itself to be the Holy Spirit). At that point, I was strongly debating running, as indicators and things she said were forshadowing an end. However, the small voice told me to "Continue giving this situation over to God fully." I felt compelled to do this, even against my gut instinct of running away. I'm waiting on Him to show my why He wants me to stay. Perhaps it is to give me a life lesson or perhaps He will work things out between us. I really do not know at this point. EDIT: To clarify, I have continually questioned and tested the small voice in major prayer sessions (1-3 hours at times)...trying to sort out my own feelings and eliminate them from the equation...every time, it is the only one that I can't eliminate, and it does not flee when the name of Jesus is invoked upon it. /EDIT

Thank you for your advice! :D


@ chosenone:

We were/are still dating. At first I could not understand why she would be affected as it were.  This was due to my viewing her as every other girl I have dated, and subsequently thought she worked the same. However, just in getting to know her and how she does things, she is definitely unlike any girl I have dated before. She is rather independent in nature, and takes her time in more aspects than just relationships. From what she tells me, her previous relationships went like this: meet boy, spend months getting to know said boy, in this timeframe feelings begin developing for said boy, and then she is comfortable to start a relationship with the boy.
Ours, though, has been faster than her timeline, and I think that is what has freaked her out so to say. She hasn't stopped kissing me altogether, but still does from time to time. I think it also has something to do with her love language, which after taking an assessment for her was quality time at the top, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and last was physical touch.
The thing that boggles my mind is just how many mistakes that we have both made and so far it is still working. To summarize the issue, though, I think she is trying to figure out if she wants to continue this long distance, as at the end of next week she will be moving back home, which is a 3 hour drive from the college town and a 4.5 hour drive from my hometown.

One thing she has expressed is her frustration that she isn't hearing anything from God on this. When I asked for and explanation, she said that with her previous relationships she usually got a clear message on what to do.

I don't know if this clarified anything or just added to the confusion. I hope it did the first and not the latter.

Thank you both for your invaluable input. :D

I understand if she wants to get to know you better, but its not that complicated, she either sees you as a potential partner, or not.  My rule is that if I have any second thoughts, then it is probably not right. 

I understand that some people take longer to make decisions, but sometimes people make decisions by aspects which really hold no merit, such as the timeliness of past relationships. 

If I were you I would give her a little more time, and if the situation does not improve, then move on before you invest more of yourself and get hurt.  If she does not allow the relationship to progress soon, then that most likely means that she is just not ready.  Her hesitation is a natural response to not being ready, even though she cannot put this into words because she doesn't understand these feelings.  This is just my initial observation, so please take this advice with discretion.  God Bless,

Darren

Thanks for the input, DarrenC. This has definitely not been an easy journey, to say the least. I will most definitely place your input under advisement. It's definitely going to be interesting to see what distance will do to the dynamics in this. I can see how it could be good, and I can also see how it can be bad.  Only His will and time will tell, though.

Blessings!

@ Darren,

How much time do you recommend?

I can't say if anything has improved, as the distance makes that really hard to judge. Within the last couple days, she's been out of state and only has text message communication abilities. She'll be back in state tomorrow night, so I might get to talk with her on the phone. I've been really lifting this up to Him. It does get kind of frustrating when there seems to be no reply from Him. This distance thing is much harder than I had previously realized. Anyone have an opinion on the saying "If He leads you to it, He'll get you through it"?

Update


I was up all night talking to her on the phone about many things. She got back in state last week and everything has still been at the same place. We talked until I the time I wake up to go to work (0430) and man, it was a hefty convo to say the least. More or less, I felt compelled to discuss with her all the things that would have to be talked about, at some point or another. At this point, I do not know if my words hurt any chance I had, but right now I could care less about that. She has proven herself to be a wonderful friend who listens like no one else that I know. Right now I am too blown away by the fact that she knows and accepts mistakes I have made, including one of the darkest I have ever done which pertains to whoever I date. (not something I have done with anyone I have dated, something that I did many years ago which I think should be revealed to anyone I date and become more serious with). She is the first one I have ever ever told this to. I have never been comfortable enough with anyone to tell them until she came along. It is from things like what happened last night to observing how she treats others that I have realized that she is almost a deadringer for that Proverbs 31 woman. I have absolutely no idea what His plan is for this. However, she has told me yesterday and last night that she deeply cares about me, to the point that she can't do anything that would hurt me. I have never been told that. Though I have tried to do so in action, I have never said that to her until after she said that to me, so she wasn't just trying to reciprocate a nice thing to say. She knows pretty much every less than savory thing about me and knows what I am trying to work on. She also tells me that the reason she is staying and keeping this going is because she hasn't gotten a clear answer on what to do. Additionally, after discussion with her, she has been aware that with every passing day, I do get more and more attached, and she has responded that she is still waiting.

I know that this is still a relatively young relationship, as it will be 3 months in 3 days. I'm still confused at times, but I am doing the best I can to give without expecting a return for what is given, pray for His will to be made known, and continue to support her in the best way that I possibly can through prayer and conversation. I humbly ask you to pray for this, if you can. Please pray that His will is made known so that this either continues and progresses or ends and new things brought about. I also welcome any feedback or coments on this, if you feel like them. I can say, without a doubt, that this whole experience has caused me to grow in my faith, so that is for sure a blessing that has come with it. Thanks for your prayers and comments. (my apologies if this is rather spattered order, I literally got no sleep last night, lol). Also, if you have any questions that I can clarify, please ask them! Thanks!