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I have recently undergone a weak moment in my life. I have given in to sexual temptation with a woman I have been dating for almost 10 months. We haven't gone "all the way" but have done things that neither of us are proud of. Her mother found out (whom she lived with at the time) and kicked her out, and cited the reason as being a lack of trust in the girl.

She has been known to habitually lie to her mother about such things, and has been in a number of unhealthy relationships in which she has advanced too far sexually with her counterpart, and hides from her mother the truth. This has caused her mother to believe she is 'broken' and in need of fixing.

In turn, since I was the one who felt guilty and convinced her to tell her mother what we had done, I received a much smaller piece of the scolding, and was the recipient of apologies from Mom for her daughter's actions. The Mom, along with this woman's oldest brother, pin most of the blame on the woman for us having "dipped our feet in Satan's water."

I spoke to my friend of this situation and he disagrees with Mother and brother's point of view. He believes it as just as much my fault that we crossed sexual boundaries; that the blame is equal. Who is right in this situation?

You both did the same thing so you are both equally responsible. However it does seem that this girl is  far too active sexually and if you are a Christian maybe think and pray hard as to if she is the one for you. Constantly lying as well isnt good. Two BIG red flags. If she lies how will you ever know when she is telling you the truth?
If she isnt a Christian, then you arent supposed to be going out with her anyway.

Quote from: waiting4u on Thu May 13, 2010 - 02:12:05
I have recently undergone a weak moment in my life. I have given in to sexual temptation with a woman I have been dating for almost 10 months. We haven't gone "all the way" but have done things that neither of us are proud of. Her mother found out (whom she lived with at the time) and kicked her out, and cited the reason as being a lack of trust in the girl.

She has been known to habitually lie to her mother about such things, and has been in a number of unhealthy relationships in which she has advanced too far sexually with her counterpart, and hides from her mother the truth. This has caused her mother to believe she is 'broken' and in need of fixing.

In turn, since I was the one who felt guilty and convinced her to tell her mother what we had done, I received a much smaller piece of the scolding, and was the recipient of apologies from Mom for her daughter's actions. The Mom, along with this woman's oldest brother, pin most of the blame on the woman for us having "dipped our feet in Satan's water."

I spoke to my friend of this situation and he disagrees with Mother and brother's point of view. He believes it as just as much my fault that we crossed sexual boundaries; that the blame is equal. Who is right in this situation?

Listen to your friend in this case.

I do not think the girl's past has any bearing your current situation.  It takes two to tango, both of you were involved and both of you bear the guilt and share the blame.

It was equally wrong for the way her mother treated her, IMHO.

bond

IMHO

The part about telling the mother was the big big mistake.

I am over forty years old and there are some things that I still refuse to discuss with my mother.

One time she made a comment this past year about me and sexual relations with my wife (now divorced)...and I shocked her so bad that she hasn't brought it up again. EVER.

She has decided since then to leave that subject alone...and stay far far away from it...because she knows nothing...and can be happy in that ignorance...a lot more happy than she will be if she knows anything.

The only time to tell parents is when there is going to be a new addition to the family. And even then it isn't a direct but indirect telling.

Physical intimacy is just that...something intimate between the two parties involved. Even when married the details shouldn't be aired out for anyone to know. They are private and personal.

So...some things you just have to suck up and be a man about and keep under your hat. It is not shameful too keep those things private at all...merely protecting the other person you were intimate with.

And if you are intending to keep your physically intimate life within God's directives...then do it. Don't tell the world how you have failed. Tell God...but He already knows.

And IMHO a little heavy petting while dating is rather normal and natural behavior.  It is when it gets to be a lot and leading farther and farther down the path towards consummation that the relationship might need some adjustments.

Whatever happened, you are both responsible.  You both made the choice.  And if she is a sexually active type and you are a Christian, get out of the relationship.  You should be waiting for your life's partner who is also wating for you.  Make the vow my niece made; she didn't kiss on the lips until her wedding ceremony kiss , and she has a good marriage (in the -- ahem -- physcial intimacy -- department), from what I hear.  She says she's still on her honeymoon.  Why get so hot and bothered about havng all this physical touching, etc. before you're married?  The Bible indicates those who wait  and don't stir up love before the time (Song of Solomon) will have a great physcial relationship.  People are throwing this away for a cheap thrill. 

I would say that it's more your fault than hers. Call it a 75/25 split. YOU should know better if she doesn't know the Lord. (I feel that exact way about my relationship. I should know better and I have more support and reason--from God--to NOT have sex outside of marriage.)

Even if she is a Christian too, she's had a past of struggling with that. You need to be able to support her right now because honestly, she really needs it.