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I have been with my fiance for 1.5 years.  He asked me to marry him this past December.  I accepted and we moved in together.  I knew that he had bouts of depression off and on over his previous marriage failing and his family being torn apart by his ex wife leaving.  He consistently told me he was getting better.  We had a family birthday party Saturday night and everything was fine.  Sunday I could tell he was depressed and asked to talk with him about it.  He proceeded to tell me that he loves me and that I am everything he wants in a woman, but that he shouldn't be in a relationship right now because he's not happy with himself and his life and he can't love me the way I deserve to be loved.  I am so confused and so hurt.  Now I'm in his house with no where to go local and both of our two children involved deeply in this relationship.  My fiance is not a dishonest person, so I know he is truly struggling with these feelings and I want to see him get better.  We obviously rushed into the relationship before he was over the last one.  I feel used and very raw inside.  Advise please?

In sickness & in health includes mental health. You two are already married by the actions you two have taken only minus the ceremony or legal recourse.

Tell him that & be a good wife & help him get the mental health help he needs to heal. Where that may or may not include you you need to help him acquire it anyway.

Sure this sounds like & smells like rejection but depressed people do just that...reject loved ones & push them away. It is a form of self destruction. Don't let him get away with that. Ignore it & get him some help.

I have been previously engaged, so I understand the feelings you are going through.  However, that is the limit of my relevant experience to your situation.  The only advice I can give is to warrant him a little bit of time and space to think and understand his feelings.  If he is still acting the same way after a few days, I would ask him if it would be better for you go live apart from him for a while.  In the meantime, you need to follow your instincts and do what you can to protect your well being. 

Quote from: JohnDB on Mon May 17, 2010 - 12:29:01
In sickness & in health includes mental health. You two are already married by the actions you two have taken only minus the ceremony or legal recourse.

Tell him that & be a good wife & help him get the mental health help he needs to heal. Where that may or may not include you you need to help him acquire it anyway.

Sure this sounds like & smells like rejection but depressed people do just that...reject loved ones & push them away. It is a form of self destruction. Don't let him get away with that. Ignore it & get him some help.

I agree with much of what you have said. Depressed individuals sometimes lash out at the people who love them most. However, there are times when the depressed person tends to feel that as a partner, they are not worthwhile and need the time to get their head and hearts together so in the end they can actually be a better partner. I know it is hard, being on the opposite end of that. It hurts a lot.

To the OP, if there is a way that you can give your partner the time to heal but still be there for them, you may very well both be paid off in the end. Dark times do eventually end, with prayer, God's love and if needed outside assistance either via counseling and/or medication.

Quote from: AimeeN on Mon May 17, 2010 - 10:34:44
I have been with my fiance for 1.5 years.  He asked me to marry him this past December.  I accepted and we moved in together.  I knew that he had bouts of depression off and on over his previous marriage failing and his family being torn apart by his ex wife leaving.  He consistently told me he was getting better.  We had a family birthday party Saturday night and everything was fine.  Sunday I could tell he was depressed and asked to talk with him about it.  He proceeded to tell me that he loves me and that I am everything he wants in a woman, but that he shouldn't be in a relationship right now because he's not happy with himself and his life and he can't love me the way I deserve to be loved.  I am so confused and so hurt.  Now I'm in his house with no where to go local and both of our two children involved deeply in this relationship.  My fiance is not a dishonest person, so I know he is truly struggling with these feelings and I want to see him get better.  We obviously rushed into the relationship before he was over the last one.  I feel used and very raw inside.  Advise please?

I hate to be the one to tell you this......buuuuut.......there is another woman in this equation.  "he can't love you the way you deserved to be loved"  That is the oldest line in the book when he either wants to end it but doesn't know how to tell you......OR.....theres another woman.  Trust me.........its the classic line that actually gets him off the hook and makes you feel important at the same time.

Quote from: azteacher8062 on Mon May 17, 2010 - 22:58:14

Quote from: JohnDB on Mon May 17, 2010 - 12:29:01
In sickness & in health includes mental health. You two are already married by the actions you two have taken only minus the ceremony or legal recourse.

Tell him that & be a good wife & help him get the mental health help he needs to heal. Where that may or may not include you you need to help him acquire it anyway.

Sure this sounds like & smells like rejection but depressed people do just that...reject loved ones & push them away. It is a form of self destruction. Don't let him get away with that. Ignore it & get him some help.

I agree with much of what you have said. Depressed individuals sometimes lash out at the people who love them most. However, there are times when the depressed person tends to feel that as a partner, they are not worthwhile and need the time to get their head and hearts together so in the end they can actually be a better partner. I know it is hard, being on the opposite end of that. It hurts a lot.

To the OP, if there is a way that you can give your partner the time to heal but still be there for them, you may very well both be paid off in the end. Dark times do eventually end, with prayer, God's love and if needed outside assistance either via counseling and/or medication.

Hello OP,
I agree with these two. The last person before my post stated that it's a classic line most guys use to get out a relationship. But, battling depression myself, I know that when you are depressed, you really CANNOT be any good for anyone and if you love someone, you want them to know that. So, only God knows his heart, but he is battling depression and he needs help. So OP, ask God to give you strength right now to deal with the separation part. And ask Him to give you direction on what to do. You all have children together so there will be a relationship. Help him at this time by loving him, and understanding him. And God will see you through this, no matter what the 'end' result is. May God bless you.

It is said that for some people it takes 2-5 years to recover from a divorce, and to be ready for another relationship. For me this was definately the case, it took me about 3-4 years to be interested in anyone else. My husband, however, was ready much sooner so we are all different.
You dont say if you are Christians but you really shouldnt be living together anyway.Sadly God cannot bless a relationship where the couple are having sex outside marriage, thats justs the way it is, and it is what God tells us.
I think you need to move out with your child and give him time to sort himself out.If and when he is ready to make a go of it, stay apart till you get married. It sounds as if he may not be the one for you, but give it time.
Get into a good church and get closer to God and pray for guidance for the future.Make some good Christian friends and concentrate on yourself and your child and making a life for yourself.