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So basically in my relationship with my BF of 8 months (known each other 9 months) I have felt like I've been doing most of the giving. I'm a giver by nature and he is not. He doesn't give very much in most things, though because of me he has been trying. We're in a long distance relationship and he was trying to move closer to me. Then he found out a principal wanted to interview him for a classroom position (he's a PE coach and he refused to take a classroom position in my area b/c it wasn't what he wanted). This position is still 4 hours away from me (just an hour closer). He didn't interview yet, but in my mind the fact that he would consider it b/c it's in his favorite city and he wouldn't consider it b/c of me hurt me big time. I've been looking for his level of commitment even though he says he can see us getting married. I told him that if he took this particular position I would leave him b/c it showed he just didn't care about us. Well this flipped him out. He told me later that either we break up now b/c he can't trust me that I'll be there for him or we start over from scratch and rebuild the foundation of our relationship (which I will say I was just praying to God to the day before that our foundation was cracked b/c of baggage and discussing marriage too soon and me giving more than I should have and too much texting and not enough phone conversations). He says that my comment showed him that I didn't love him as much as he thought - in my mind I was protecting myself and guarding myself from being too committed to something that isn't "real" for both of us. I apologized for what I said and said I want to keep working on things, but now I'm shocked he acted the way he did b/c he became pretty disrespectful to me before we decided to start over. He said it was b/c I was being that way to him b/c of what I said. I just don't know what to do. Was I wrong in what I said? I did say that this time, he will have to "court" me and no more texting - if he wants to converse with me it will need to be on the phone.  And he said that I will have to change my ways of blowing up/getting frustrated too easily with things he says and not be soooo emotional. He wants these things to change quickly and I want him to treat me special and like a GF instead of a friend. But now he has no intention of moving to my area. I asked God if He wants me to move on and God keeps saying "hold on." "be still." "trust Me" "keep the faith." I have been in other situations where God will say "don't date him" "don't stay with him." I just don't know what God's doing with all this. Thanks for listening y'all! 

BTW: we're both Christians wanting God's will to be done in our lives.

I really wish I could give you some good advice on this, but I, too am in a similar situation myself. Primary difference, though, is that mine has only been for around 3 months (coming up to 4 really soon), with almost 2 (of the 4) being long distance. Most of the issues that I have had in mine tend to stem from personality differences. I am very much a 'giver'. While I don't think they are the end all/be all indicators, it might be helpful if you both take an MBTI personality test to see what you both are. For example, the young woman I have been dating is INTJ while I am ISFJ. She tends to think abstractly, be less inclined to telephone conversations, and more inclined to wait around for things to happen. She also has very little emotional sensitivity to others, so she can come off rather harsh at times, even when she has not intention of doing so. I, on the other hand, think very realistically. Telephone conversations and meeting in person are the best method of communication for me, and in my life, I have rarely been blessed with something just 'happening' to me. It has usually taken conscious effort on my part to accomplish anything in life (but only by His grace, please don't think I am taking credit for anything). Additionally, I, too, am the primary 'giver' of our relationship, with her doing most of the taking. However, lately I have realized that she has been giving back, just not in ways that I recognize. I will say that there is a difference in the level of commitment, in that once I decide to do something, I give my best to do it. She tells me she is the same way, but she takes a very long time to mull over all the possibilities and variables in the decision. Sorry to blurb about my stuff, but that's the best way I could begin to relate to your areas of concern. What has been keeping us together is our similar upbringings, nearly identical values, our deep faith in Christ, and His grace. I'd highly suggest checking out that MBTI thing. It might give you some decent insight to how to better understand him. (also look at taking 'the five love languages' assessment to see if your methods of expressing/receiving affection are on level).

As far as the 'blowing up/getting frustrated' thing, just pray about it. It might very well be that he is trying to express things to you, but since you might be on different levels of communication, the message might not be received, which is frustrating to an extent.

I hope that this helps somewhat.

Here's a post from JohnDB in this same forum about the personality type sites for free evaluations

Quote from: JohnDB on Tue Jun 15, 2010 - 04:31:36
Here are some links so others can take the tests...


http://sminds.com/mbti/

http://similarminds.com/jung.html

http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/
(I like this one)

So...if you want to take the test and see who you are and can share who you are with the rest of us...that would be wonderful.

Wow notmyown2010! You just described my relationship to a T! I'm just like you in that I don't wait around for things, but I take an active effort to make things happen and they happen through Christ making it all work together. Things just rarely happen to me too. He is the opposite - if he does what I do, it stresses him out and he thinks he's taking it out of God's hands. Like you, it is our spiritual compatibility (though I am more versed in the Bible than he is (not bragging, just putting that difference out there)), values and love for each other that keeps us keeping on. We are both different in our communication levels and I'm much more emotional/wear my heart on my sleeve, than he is. He is emotionally non-existent! LOL but he is very sensitive. So I guess I try to get a response from him by blowing up and saying crazy things and he doesn't respond, but what I didn't realize is that it hurts him - he just never told me. I just thought he didn't care and it didn't phase him. I would have never done anything crazy like that if I knew he was taking it to heart. I find phone conversations and in person talks much more fulfilling than texting, but he's the opposite. Wow! You just encouraged me in telling me what you did! Thanks! I will take the quiz and see how we can work this stuff out. Thanks again! God bless!

You are welcome. Just take my experience/'advice' with a grain of salt, in that I am also in the middle of things just as you are. It's rather funny/odd how opposites seem to attract. The long distance aspect of these kind of relationships seems to throw quite a curve, doesn't it?

Does he get drained by being around people and having phone conversations, out of curiosity?

Yeah - the long distance thing throws a curve into everything. When we're together I don't get so frustrated b/c he's giving me the attention I want - maybe I'm immature! LOL He thrives on being around people - lots of people. I thrive being one on one or alone. He likes to go to the mall just to people watch. That is not so much my thing. He's an extrovert, but  only around "superficial acquaintances." He's pretty quiet around me, which makes me wonder if he's just too comfortable with me. He talks to lots of people and strangers even, but there are times when we'll just sit there and not talk - which is okay, but I want him to talk to me and not have a one-sided conversation. It's like he's lost in thought a lot when were alone. He does have ADD but doesn't take meds for it. Maybe that's why. I just envision our friendship as more of a friendship filled with talking than us being there for each other. Hope that makes sense. 

Different people have different needs as far as levels of attention are concerned. For example, I am fine with sparse texting throughout the day and a phone call in the evening, but she could literally be fine with several days in between any contact at all. For me it's a bit odd, as we are both introverts. Yet, at the same time, she has developed a 'extrovert' mask that she wears when she is around other people (developed it when she used to be a waitress). Yet, at the end of the day, it still remains a mask. Being around people drains her, oddly including just one on one time. She requires time completely alone to recharge. I have yet to fully understand this, but I accept it none-the-less. It's a hard thing for me to do, yet at the same time, I received several answers to keep on going in this and to trust it fully to Him, even though it is hard for me to understand all the time. Yeah, one sided conversation kind of stinks. That's been a marker on mine too, as she enjoys listening, and not so much talking. At times I feel like an interrogator because I have to ask many questions in order to understand what she is thinking. Do you have to ask many questions of him in order to carry on a conversation?

God doesn't say something for no reason. If he's told you to do something then it can take more faith, but it's obviously for your best interests.

Wow! That's like him too! I think he might have an extrovert mask on too! I didn't even think of that! He's only like that with strangers and friends/people he sees once in a while. With me he's pretty quiet. I do feel like an interrogator too! I ask lots of questions and this is a problem b/c he takes that as I don't trust him and he's very independent so it affects him that he thinks I'm trying to take that away from him. So if I ask questions I have to stay pretty limited bc I don;t wanna cause a conflict or myself get frustrated. I wish he would ask me questions at time and seem slightly interested in my life on a more consistent basis. MY sister told me that it sounds like I want a BF that acts like a husband and he is a acting like a BF and not capable of acting like a husband yet - so he's not ready for marriage - that's for sure now. And the kicker is I'm 28 and he's 39. He acts much more immature than 39, but we're on the same level - ya know? As far as attention, I want more, he would be okay with less. I'm more satisfied with a phone call than many texts.

Yesult - thank you! I do think I'm struggling with that right now. Why God would want me in a relationship that I'm not happy with 100%, but God does know best and as I told my BF last night, I will continue and we can try to rebuild the foundation - and in my opinion - rebuild it more on THE ROCK - Christ. I just hope that this relationship is used for God's glory! 

Walking by faith isn't easy, that's for sure...especially for someone like me who is a 'doer'.

Haha. Don't you know that we guys don't mature? My uncle is 55 going on 4 

Yeah, the gal I've been dating is like that too. When we first started, I didn't know what to make of it, as it seemed she had no problem socializing, but noticing the discrepancy on her communicative abilities. After talking to both her about it and her closer friends, I realized the whole 'mask' thing.

Rebuilding on THE ROCK is always a good strategy.

One last question. Does he have a realistic mindset or is he very much into abstract thinking with all things possible?

LOL That's funny about the guy's maturity levels! 

As far as his mindset - he's very realistic. He is logical and not emotional at all. I'm the opposite - I'm very much go by my feelings. I took the quiz and I'm an INFJ (the most complex of them all! HAHAHA) I'm gonna have him take it tonight and see but I took it as I think he would and he;'s more likely an ESTP. We're the opposites! LOL

I'm very much a "doer" too. I want to take the problem by the horns and shake it out! He wants to sit back and relax and I'm just like Faith without action is dead! LOL I guess we look at things differently!

I tested as an INFJ too. I'm a bit wary of tests though because they can pigeon hole you too much and have you believing things about yourself that arn't quite true. But it was pretty interesting.
The test says that less then 1% of the population are INFJ's which can make getting the right match potentially tricky. A girl on another forum started a thread on this one time and she was pretty complex too. She tested as an INFJ and not suprisingly enough I suppose, was probably my favourite person on there - probably because I "got" her. Could understand where she was coming from.

Don't be too hard on yourself about trying to make something work that seems to be having glitchs. Your intuition is there for a reason, but if you end up with someone who you don't feel is 'deep' enough for you, even though you want to like them, could cause you to be unhappy later on.



PS. I've fallen for a number of guys that 'wern't quite right' and you can really want it to work just because, but I think you can usually tell from the beginning if someone is right for you permanently or not. If you trust those instincts, it can save you a lot of hassel later on. First impressions are often right.