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I need some help. I'm a 16 year old girl who is from a christian conservative church and my dad is the pastor of our small home church. I have an addiction for porn. this has been going on for 4 years. I know its wrong and i want to give my life to God but its very hard. One week ago this guy from my youth admitted to me that he likes me and has been watching my for half a year. I was really shocked at first because  I never expected this. So we started talking and i told him that i have a problem but we both agreed that i shouldn't tell him right now. I am starting to like this guy but we agreed to keep it hush hush because first of all he is 20 and second of all i have this addiction and third of all I'm not even baptized yet. Its been pretty hard to keep it hush hush because i keep catching his eye whenever we hang out with the youth or sometimes even during church. I really want to get my life in order and i don't want to be getting baptized for the wrong reasons and I'm just really confused about everything. He is a very nice guy and he isn't trying rush anything but its really hard to fight these feelings and its kind of my fault because he wasn't planning on telling me for at least another half a year but i kept asking questions. We agreed not to talk to much so that we can control the feelings a little bit more and i don't have a cell phone so at least i wont be tempted to text him. plus my parents would probably kill me if they found out.


Does anybody have any advice?? WHAT DO I DO??? do i tell him to leave me alone? do i let myself into these feelings? do i tell him to wait for me?

Advice from anyone welcome.

At this point in your life yes, you need to stay away from guys in general.

You are barely sixteen. In my house that still isn't old enough to date. Much less a guy who is out of high school and in college. (and if he isn't in college why not?)

You still haven't found out who you are yet when not under the watchful eye of your parents.

Now you have this issue with porn...that only exacerbates the issue. It creates low self esteem in you. Makes sex into an unrealistic fantasy that no guy can compete with. Real life is full of surprises and unexpected things...and smells.

Fantasy is predictable and boring. Real love isn't physical...the physical side of love is a by-product of real love. (which this guy most likely doesn't have for you) It is all about sharing intimate thoughts and desires. (not sexual ones either)


give up on guys for the moment...wait till you mature.

What do you mean? Do you mean that this guy doesnt have physical love for me? or real love?

Im pretty sure he doesnt have either. Because first of all im not all that attractive compared to some of the other girls in my youth and im a little overwieght so thats why i was really suprised when he told me that he has feelings for me. I know that it would be wrong for me to actually go for this right now. And I told him right off the bat that i have issues and that i want to get my life straight before anything happens. But its really hard not to start falling for him.

AMEN! to everything JohnDB said.

Hey julieg,

You are definetly going down the wrong path with this guy. You may see a father figure in this older man, plus the fact that you are attempting to fill some void in your life with porn.

The porn thing is a drug. I used it for several years to fill some emptiness. It never works. Get some help, but not from this 20 year old whose hormones are raging. He may have some issues as well since he is scouting out way younger women. At your age 4 years is quite a difference.

no judging here. we all have problems and sins to deal with. Blessings.

Hello Julieg,

My heart goes out to you and i will be praying for you and for this situation. I first want to thank you for being so brave to even share this with all of us who read this post. Discussing struggles can be a very vulnerable thing to do, even if it is on a message board to strangers.

I think that the first thing that you should do is pray and ask God for his direction. We can tell you so many different things but the real important advice is from God. The second piece is, im wondering if you have a mentor? A christian older woman who is mature in the things of God whom you can share these things with and she can provide you with prayer and guidance. If you do have one that you can trust and that the information you tell her is held in confidence, i would speak with her about this. If you dont have a mentor, i would suggest that you pray that God will provide you with one. In my own life i have gone through many sruggles including addictions similar to yours and i have found that having a mentor helped me. It provided me with a safe space to discuss my struggles, to seek advice, and a place where i felt that i was not alone. Also this addiction can be very dabilitating. The devil will try to isolate you and your addiction so that you are less likely to cry out to God. Sharing with someone that you can trust can provide you with a sense of freedom. For some reason, when i share my sins with someone, it becomes easier to deal with. Having someone aware of this can also help you get through this, and they can hold you accountable.

In my opinion, it appears that you are finding it nice to have someone who likes you. From what you said in your second reply, it also seems that you may struggle with your self-esteem and do not consider yourself to be good enough. I have been there. I grew up in a church with beautiful thin woman and i did not feel like i matched up. The concern that i have with this is that when people feel that they are not good enough and someone comes along and gives them attention, its hard to stay away. And sometimes they get into relationships for the wrong reasons and get cought up in a whole other set of issues. And as tempting as it may be to go forward even in secret with this guy it is important for you to make sure that you actually like this guy, and not just because he likes you. And second that you are ready for a relationship and that God is okay with it.

At this point i question if you are ready for a relationship. Based on the fact that you are struggling with an addiction, you are trying to work on your relationship with God, you question your value, and this guy is four years older than you which is a big difference at your age. You are only sixteen. You have your whole life ahead of you to be in a relationship. And trust me, getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons will cause more problems than good.

As for how you should handel your contact with this guy, thats up to you and God. I suggest that you pray and ask God for wisdom on what decision to make and how to handel that decision.

And from all that i have said, know this: You are beautiful and a gift. Even if you dont feel that way. God loves you and wants to be your best friend and he wants to help you through this difficult time. Lean on him for support. Be careful not to depend on men to make you feel that you are adequate, get that from God because he is the only one that can actually make you believe that you are valuable.

I will be praying,

Striving

Thank you so much.

I dont know how it happened but you read my mind.
The things that ive been scared about, about not having someone to talk to, and about likeing this guy for the wrong reasons.


I never even really thought of asking God to find me a mentor. Thanks so much for your advice. Its really helpful.

Quote from: Seva on Tue Nov 30, 2010 - 17:17:22
AMEN! to everything JohnDB said.

Hey julieg,

You are definetly going down the wrong path with this guy. You may see a father figure in this older man, plus the fact that you are attempting to fill some void in your life with porn.

The porn thing is a drug. I used it for several years to fill some emptiness. It never works. Get some help, but not from this 20 year old whose hormones are raging. He may have some issues as well since he is scouting out way younger women. At your age 4 years is quite a difference.

no judging here. we all have problems and sins to deal with. Blessings.

I dont know what to think. To me it doesnt seem like that. He wasnt even planning on telling me for atleast another year but i kept asking him questions. Maybe i just dont know how guys work. But i have talked to my best friend who is 25 and i told her everything.. i mean about the guy part i havent been able to tell her about the addiction. but she agrees that his motives are probably pure but now just isnt the time

ok.. update
i talked to the guy today. we both agreed that things are going way to fast and that we really need to take a break.. we talked for a little bit. He has been planning on going to south america on a missionary/visiting some friends in need trip and he told me that becuz all of this is happening he will probably go earlier and stay about half a year so that it will give us both time to think and to make our own decisions without influencing each other.
So what do i do now??
when i contacted him today i had every intention of breaking everything off.. but he has some friends over so we couldnt talk.. so before we talked later i prayed really hard asking God to help me because all of this is so new to me, i dont know how to act, i dont know how to feel, i dont know if what i feel is normal...

I dont know what to think because i can be really honest with this guy and i can tell him anything ( i havent told him about the addiction but i told him i have a serious problem and we both agreed that i shouldnt tell him yet) and from what he tells me then he seems to genuinlly care about my feelings and my heart.

It is good that he is going to leave and be gone.

You do not need the distraction from this guy before getting your life together and on a much better track than what it is on. Your crush on this guy is just like your fantasy with these pictures. At this point in your maturity level you cannot differentiate between the two.  (my, your, his heart is most deceitful)

Porn isn't the problem in itself...it is the symptom of the problem you have.

And I do think it is rather ironic. Porn is addictive and progressive. As time progresses it will require more and more twisted pictures and acts for you to fantasize about in order to get the same results. In the end...you won't be able to have any kind of sexual relationship and you will be completely perverted. Kinda strange to catch an 80+ man viewing child porn. But he was an addict. Or a guy that the girls all chase looking for pictures of the nastiest and ugliest women he could find.
But that is the reality. These people not able to have sex and yet wanting it all the while.  Every last one of them feeling lonely and worthless despite their friends and family surrounding them. 

Julie,
In responce to what JohnDB said, i think that this addiction can lead to a very destructive life, however dwelling on what can happen and letting that become a fear and increase your feelings of hopelessness is not what you need right now. This addiction is something you have to give over to God and ask him to show you why you are involved in this. What is it fulfilling for you? When God reveals that to you, you can ask God to fill that void. As i said before, having a mentor will help keep you in check. I will defenitly be praying for a mentor for you.

As for the update. It may be a good thing that he is leaving, but it seems that you are still concerned of what to do with him until he leaves. I would say that the first thing is you need to keep yourself in check. Make sure that your interactions with him are solely based on how you would treat any other guy in church. Anything else may need to be put on hold for now. It seems that he also is aware that its going to fast which is good. I would be careful how much you call him or discuss things with him though. The more you do that the more you are likely to see the befits of his relationship and try to rationalize how its ok to become closer. Although it might seem great that you feel you can share anything with him and that he is a support to you, you have to be so careful. This can become something inappropriate very fast. He might be a great guy and care about you with good intentions, however right now it seems that you need to focus on other things besides this guy. He too might be filling a need for attention, and a need for affirmation. Its a slippery slope. Ask God to give you friends that you can share things with so that you dont feel the need to always relay on this guy. And yes this will feel like a loss, but God can fill it. Remember, God is the only one that can truly address your lonliness, your low self-confidence, and your need for affirmation. Read the psalms as it is filled with how much God loves you and can support you. Instead of taking this time for this guy, take time for God.

Stay strong! God will help you through this struggle.
You are in my prayers

Quote from: JohnDB on Wed Dec 01, 2010 - 04:50:14
It is good that he is going to leave and be gone.

You do not need the distraction from this guy before getting your life together and on a much better track than what it is on. Your crush on this guy is just like your fantasy with these pictures. At this point in your maturity level you cannot differentiate between the two.  (my, your, his heart is most deceitful)

Porn isn't the problem in itself...it is the symptom of the problem you have.

And I do think it is rather ironic. Porn is addictive and progressive. As time progresses it will require more and more twisted pictures and acts for you to fantasize about in order to get the same results. In the end...you won't be able to have any kind of sexual relationship and you will be completely perverted. Kinda strange to catch an 80+ man viewing child porn. But he was an addict. Or a guy that the girls all chase looking for pictures of the nastiest and ugliest women he could find.
But that is the reality. These people not able to have sex and yet wanting it all the while.  Every last one of them feeling lonely and worthless despite their friends and family surrounding them. 




Ummm i already know all of this.. my dad is a pastor so he did teach me to be careful.. it was my own stupid mistake that i got caught up in and ur comments just make me feel worse about myself

Hi, Julie . . . I'm Bill . . . glad to meet you . . .

One thing > you confided that you are "not all that attractive compared to some of the other girls in my youth and im a little overwieght". I'm not saying your man friend is like this, but  there are guys who know that someone "not all that attractive" and "a little overwieght" can feel unaccepted; so they know they can act nice to such a person so that the person is likely to greatly appreciate that attention so the person will do what those guys want. So . . . be careful.

By the way . . . if you are only "a little" overweight . . . good that you aren't a lot more overweight. But for your own good you might take some off. Do some caring things for other people; this can be a wholesome way to have activities which help to satisfy you to eat better.

But those more attractive girls are at a disadvantage, if they are willing to use their looks to get a guy. That "might" not get them a really Christian person. We need to first be concerned with how we look to God ! ! ! > "rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter 3:4) They need this beauty of God's gentle and quiet love, in order to connect with a really Christian man.

But you are connecting, while you are not like this . . . right?

I believe in not judging by outward things like weight and age difference, since God is no respecter of persons. But unhealthy weight needs to be taken care of. And in this case the age difference could be because of a problem, though the age difference itself is not what we should go by, I'd say.

One thing I am most concerned about is that you two have been keeping this thing a secret from people who could be Christians whom you need to be trusting. Loving includes trusting. Trusting is a very precious "part" of loving. So, if you two are keeping things secret from your own pastor and your own parents and friends who deeply care about you . . . I think you can understand what I'm offering, here.

And a really Christian man should know better than to go along with putting something between you and your parents. This is dividing you from your parents, Julie. So, he is not being nice to you, if he is supporting you to not talk with people you need to trust and talk with. He needs help, too, then. Secrecy will not get you two the help you need.

And a mentor can isolate you with only that one person. So, I'm challenging, that you need to get into trusting and sharing with a variety of Christian people . . . not stay isolated with just this man, and not get isolated with just one mentor. I offer that a Christian mentor will welcome you to test that person, by talking with other trusted people about what you and your mentor are talking about. Since you are able to connect with a man who has helped to put something between you and your parents, you possibly now are also capable of connecting with a mentor who would not be right like one can be.

Of course, is your father a truly Christian pastor approved by God I don't know. But we are commanded, "Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you." (Hebrews 13:17) So, I understand this means God wants us to trust the leaders whom God has approved. If God trusts a leader, then surely He expects us to trust and obey someone whom God trusts. But I can not assume your father is approved and trusted by God. This is what you have to deal with and be honest about this.

There are bossy and egotistical and uncalled people acting like they are pastors. 1 Timothy 3:1-10 and 1 Peter 5:3 give some basics about who is approved by God to take care of His people. But even pastors approved are not perfect, right? Our pastor preaches that if he argues, at home, he then tells his kids how he was wrong to argue, and he apologizes to them. I think this sort of behavior can show that a man is really an example leader, even dealing openly about his own sin problems, so we all can gain from how God is correcting him. Does your father take the lead in demonstrating how to deal with his own sin problems "Let the one without sin cast the first stone."

So . . . a twenty-year-old man who is a Christian is obligated to find the church where God has his pastor whom God trusts and therefore whom this man is trusting. He will not be hanging out in a place where the pastor is someone he does not trust; this is anti-Bible, if he does this. And what you have said shows me he is hiding things from your pastor; this is not trusting your pastor. So, your guy is acting in an anti-Bible way, sister Julie, if he is doing this, and his bad example is not being nice to you.

"Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." (James 5:16)

Thanks Bill.
Everything that ur saying makes sense. I dont know if this guy is like this. Ive known him for 3 years and hes a very mellow, down to earth guy. I dont think either of us ment to keep this away from other people its just that we know nothing can happen yet so we didnt want people to start talking and get ahead of themselves and he was actually planning on talking to my dad but he went to the hospital.



And a lot has been happening. On wednesday after church we were texting each other and i wasnt paying attention to the time. It was already 2 in the morning and my mom walked in saying that my dad is feeling bad and that she is taking him to the emergency room ( this has already happened before just different symptoms every time). So i started panicing and crying after they left and i told the guy. So he calls me and tried to comfort me. he distracted me from thinking about my dad to much because i start to hyperventilate. We ended up talking up till 6 in the morning when he had to go to work. We actually didnt even talk about us. We talked about church friends who are struggling about our church missionary in bolivia about his brother who hasnt accepted Christ yet and a lot of other things. So i finally fell asleep at about 7:30 in the morning and then i had to wake up at 8:30 to get my brother and sister ready for school. and he texted me again to ask me how im feeling. after that i went back to sleep and woke up at 12. When i woke up i saw that there was 3 missed calls from my parents that i had slept through and when i started to call them back and the phone wouldnt work. So a couple hours went by and i kept trying to call my parents or other close friends and the phone still wouldnt work. and at about 2 o'clock i finally turned off the phone and turned it back on and it worked. i reached my mom it turns out that she is coming home to get some things and that both of my parents are really mad because they werent able to contact me all day. When my mom got home i tried to explain to her that the phone wasnt working and i never even got any calls from her besides the 3 in the morning. She didnt beleive me at first but when she went through the call history she did. And it turns out that they also found out that me and this guy have something going on. So as soon as my mom leaves i text this guy and say that we have to put everything on hold. He understood why we have to do this but the last thing that he told me was.. but how will i know if you'll be waiting for me when your finally ready?. i still went through with it and i havent talked to him since. Do you think i did the right thing?

Well, if she could get mad at you, when she didn't have her facts right, this means you need to be careful with her. Pray for her. Of course, I know for a fact that I myself can get mean and nasty in my imagination against people, and then find out I had my information wrong. And, of course, I shouldn't get mean and nasty and unforgiving and critical against people, anyway, Julie . . . right? Also, of course, your mom might have been scared and upset about your dad, like you were, Julie; so this could have helped make her too fast to get mad at you. We all need to get stronger in Jesus, so we do things in a calm and sensitive and prayerful way while dealing with problems, so we don't take our fears out on others, in the form of unreasonable anger.

"So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (James 1:19-20)

And I am a grownup 63 years old, and still I need to grow up, Julie!

If you can hyperventilate about stuff, you need to get strong in the LORD so things can't get the better of you. I'd say you need to mature plenty, so you can then make choices that are right for you. And if you grow more in God's love, you will not be the person he is attracted to, now. So, he doesn't even know how you will be, in a number of years. So, I'd say he doesn't need to "wait", but openly trust God and see what God does.

I can see that things have worked so you would get to where you are . . . still with your family, and away from him. I would not say you have done the right thing, but that God has had things working to help and move you to where you are. And pray and trust God about if now you might be able to have more communication with your mom and dad; I think you need to include them in things of your life, even if they might stick their noses in too much > give them a chance to learn lolololololololololololol I think that anyone who loves you will be welcoming you to involve your parents and other people who care about you in your relationship with that person. If that person is a *family* person, I think he or she would, Julie. And I'm a little worried that you did not go with them to be with him at the hospital; but if you can panic like that, I guess there's no perfect answer about what you should have done.

God bless you, Julie You have a family to deal with and learn to love with and learn how to communicate and share together. Your mom is not perfect, either. So, we need to have real people, so we can learn how to love. But be ready to forgive; because any person can fail us and turn out not to be so good at handling things about us, as well as we Christians should be able to do with each other >

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

I notice how God says to relate with one another Christians "with longsuffering". So, God knows we will discover things that are wrong about each other; but He expects us to be humble and gentle and "in love", about however we find out the real truth about each other. If you discover things that are true and not right, about your mom and dad . . . God is trusting you, Julie, to love them and pray for them to do better. And do all you can to help you all to have trust and communication with each other, and not get isolated in relationships that divide you from trusting your Christian Family.

There's something else I just thought of . . . . . . maybe you have been making it too easy for him. You appreciate the attention; so you might be more nice with him, because of this. It is good to show appreciation to people for being good with us, of course. But it can be easy for a guy to get with someone who is not so accepted, so he will be appreciated. And then be the nurturing listener during a problem; this can help a guy to look like and feel like a hero. But am I speaking for him, or for me I have done this, myself. This is easier than dealing with a woman more my own age and who can think for herself and expect me to learn how to deal with her; this is more challenging . . . not so easy! It won't hurt him to learn how to relate with a variety of other people, maybe including your mom and dad, and sharing about his personal issues with people who will give him a real piece of their mind with scripture. This way, we become stronger and get the correction we need and find out how to love without being hurt so easily. God's love makes us so we can face people and communicate without fear and without getting hurt > "And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good?" (1 Peter 3:13)

Thank you, Julie, for sharing all that with us We are praying for you. And I'll bet if you share things with others, you will discover that "a number" of us, also, have been dealing with things of family, relationship issues, and what we think others are going to think about us But it has been a very interesting adventure, in learning how to love, if I talk with people and let them speak for themselves about what they really feel and think and mean

But people who are not Christians, of course, can not do things really right with me; so I need to be ready for how they may be > be ready to forgive, ready to care about them instead of just criticize or get hurt. There are pastors who are not born-again, and ones who have not obeyed Jesus well, and so they do not have Jesus Christ's "rest for your souls." (in Matthew 11:29) We need to learn the balance, so we are not wasting ourselves with worrying and hurrying and scurrying and unforgiveness and bitterness and dominating personality ways. Jesus says, "'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29) So, Julie . . . Jesus says, "learn from Me" Jesus and His example pastors and other mature Christians can show us how to love, so we are ready to deal well with however each person turns out to really be,

Quote from: striving for more of Him on Tue Nov 30, 2010 - 17:40:50
Hello Julieg,

My heart goes out to you and i will be praying for you and for this situation. I first want to thank you for being so brave to even share this with all of us who read this post. Discussing struggles can be a very vulnerable thing to do, even if it is on a message board to strangers.

I think that the first thing that you should do is pray and ask God for his direction. We can tell you so many different things but the real important advice is from God. The second piece is, im wondering if you have a mentor? A christian older woman who is mature in the things of God whom you can share these things with and she can provide you with prayer and guidance. If you do have one that you can trust and that the information you tell her is held in confidence, i would speak with her about this. If you dont have a mentor, i would suggest that you pray that God will provide you with one. In my own life i have gone through many sruggles including addictions similar to yours and i have found that having a mentor helped me. It provided me with a safe space to discuss my struggles, to seek advice, and a place where i felt that i was not alone. Also this addiction can be very dabilitating. The devil will try to isolate you and your addiction so that you are less likely to cry out to God. Sharing with someone that you can trust can provide you with a sense of freedom. For some reason, when i share my sins with someone, it becomes easier to deal with. Having someone aware of this can also help you get through this, and they can hold you accountable.

In my opinion, it appears that you are finding it nice to have someone who likes you. From what you said in your second reply, it also seems that you may struggle with your self-esteem and do not consider yourself to be good enough. I have been there. I grew up in a church with beautiful thin woman and i did not feel like i matched up. The concern that i have with this is that when people feel that they are not good enough and someone comes along and gives them attention, its hard to stay away. And sometimes they get into relationships for the wrong reasons and get cought up in a whole other set of issues. And as tempting as it may be to go forward even in secret with this guy it is important for you to make sure that you actually like this guy, and not just because he likes you. And second that you are ready for a relationship and that God is okay with it.

At this point i question if you are ready for a relationship. Based on the fact that you are struggling with an addiction, you are trying to work on your relationship with God, you question your value, and this guy is four years older than you which is a big difference at your age. You are only sixteen. You have your whole life ahead of you to be in a relationship. And trust me, getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons will cause more problems than good.

As for how you should handel your contact with this guy, thats up to you and God. I suggest that you pray and ask God for wisdom on what decision to make and how to handel that decision.

And from all that i have said, know this: You are beautiful and a gift. Even if you dont feel that way. God loves you and wants to be your best friend and he wants to help you through this difficult time. Lean on him for support. Be careful not to depend on men to make you feel that you are adequate, get that from God because he is the only one that can actually make you believe that you are valuable.

I will be praying,

Striving

This is the most awesome reply I think I have ever seen on any message board ever...praise God! BTW, it really helped me also