Why is he here?

[loveddreamer]

Warning: super long, so I won't be offended if you stop half way lol. You'll notice that I have placed a hyphen where the Most High's name is concerned - this is down to just my personal belief in respecting His name and not taking it for granted. Here goes...


This is not what I want for my life, and it feels like G-d has deliberately made this happen. Or even that to some extent, I have no real choice in the matter.
Trusting G-d is really hard. And even as I write this, I'm aware that some of my truest answers will come from spending more time with Him. But somewhere in here is a mixture of fear that He won't reply, fear to hear myself speak and fear that I may not actually be the person I want to be.
I've found myself in a state of constant cognitive dissonance for the past 5 years. It feels ridiculous when I say why because it may seem small but for those who have been where I am, you will understand entirely why the cause is humungous. I met this incredible man about 6/7 years ago who became not just my best friend, but my love (in all the ways possible). He was someone who I couldn't fully understand, but as I unravelled him over the years his person became more apparent to me – he was and is complicated. I think what is most scary to me is that I couldn't (and still don't) fully understand why he's been placed into my life in the capacity he has.
We met and instantly knew that there was a deep, deep connection between the both of us. Within minutes of meeting, a woman stood by us asking if I was his wife – that is how strong this bond was. At the time I was a Jesus-loving, holy-dating believer and all my life was based around the mission of being my best self in Christ. This desire I still have today.
Anyway this man and I ever so gradually became friends – though this didn't come very easily. For almost 80% of the time spent in conversation with him, I'd find myself coming off the phone shimandering – hoping that whatever spirit had overtaken him would not transfer to me. I still very much believe in spirits, so that isn't said in jest. I would, very frequently, question G-d: why is he here?
Our conversations were full of important discussions, wholesome questions, laughter, understanding and dissonance. We would both find solace in our speaking; we would find joy in the company; we would relate and come away with even better questions to ask ourselves and each other. It's been like that to this day.
At the time of meeting him, I was dating a wonderful young man by the name of Dami who loved Christ and the Church like I did. His commitment to G-d, his mission, various gifts and marriage was admirable – so admirable I was so sure he'd be the one I would marry (he too felt like I did). He was hot, worked out, was super smart but most of all, I reiterate, HE LOVED JESUS! Honestly this is all I wanted. I just wanted a man who loved the Lord like I did. And there he was, in my life, committed to being a husband to me one day.
Then things fell apart when it became apparent to me that he and I had built a lovely relationship, but not a whole friendship. It took me sitting with an actual friend of mine to realise that since entering my relationship, I hadn't laughed from my gut in ages. I hadn't visited the depths of my being in ages; neither did I even really know my inner-most sincere self in the time that I was dating this excellent man. These shattering truths hit me like a tonne of bricks and I couldn't stay in a place where I couldn't offer my sincere self to a man I'd intend to do life with.
We called it a day. The pain of that was very real – but not the kind of pain you'd expect.
It turns out my hurt wasn't over losing him, it was over the fact that I felt like G-d had lied to me (that felt horrendous to type). About 4 months prior to meeting Dami, I had made a desperate plea to my Father to give me a man I could love and be with for the rest of my days. My most revered desire was for him to be a believer and be smart. Everything else was in the hands of my Saviour – his looks, background, career, height etc.
And there he was. He was everything I did and didn't ask for. He was wonderful. So imagine the betrayal I feel when after a year of dating (this was also the longest relationship I'd been in) a complete curveball gets in my way. It really felt like G-d had just pulled a fast one on me...and that still hurts me to this day.
I had taken the time to be alone, seek G-d's help and refuge – and honestly I found it. I began attending a new church, made some lifelong friends and got into serving after years of just being an attendee. My life made sense to me again. But in the background was this man with whom I could be my most authentic self. With him I could laugh freely, speak freely and be. He and I came from very similar cultures (both religious and heritage) so we could understand one another to a tee. In a word, we were galactic. Our worlds collided and co-existed so well that we couldn't explain how this happened – all we knew is that it did. It still feels like that to this day. One major problem occurred: he was not a believer. He believed but very much in a secular way – he was never shown The Way, The Truth or The Life.
So I asked G-d to help me do something about him, namely, to eliminate him from my life. I couldn't carry on being free knowing that the idea of his presence would harrow me on a regular basis. He constantly challenged my thinking and my ideas, and this was not a source of joy. It stressed me out all the time. It was as if he was trying to knock me off balance where my faith was concerned.
Months passed and I tried everything – blocking calls and texts, deleting his phone number and removing all forms of communication. It worked. For 2 weeks. The reason this method wasn't successful is that it was done purely in practice, but not in mind. I just wanted this confusion to be gone. And so one day I was in evening service at my church at the time and I remember, in a moment of solitude and peace, asking The Lord to take control. "I've done everything within my power Lord. I leave this in your hands. If this is someone who should be around, then let it be. If not, then I need You to please remove our relationship from us so that I can keep moving."
Three days later, we met up in what felt like and became a date and then the beginning of our lives as we've never known them.
I could genuinely write pages upon pages just trying to describe the type of man he is, and more importantly the kind of relationship we have, but then your patience wouldn't make it that far. It's imperative to mention that our GALACTIC nature is just that. But it's also imperative to mention that I can't for the life of me figure out WHY he is who he is to me, and what G-d wants me to do with him. He still, to this day, grates me when it comes to core beliefs and I am constantly struggling with his ideologies. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself, and going further from the life I want to live – but it seems like every time I contemplate or move towards the person I really want to be, I keep getting pushed away.

I want to be a woman of faith, honour and valour. I would love to get married and consummate my marriage with my husband when the time comes. I want my children to be followers of Yeshua and honestly I just want to serve G-d, but it feels like the same G-d I want to serve is constantly pushing me away; not helping me to come to Him easily...

Has anyone else been through this?

[Texas Conservative]

Warning: super long, so I won't be offended if you stop half way lol. You'll notice that I have placed a hyphen where the Most High's name is concerned - this is down to just my personal belief in respecting His name and not taking it for granted. Here goes...


This is not what I want for my life, and it feels like G-d has deliberately made this happen. Or even that to some extent, I have no real choice in the matter.
Trusting G-d is really hard. And even as I write this, I'm aware that some of my truest answers will come from spending more time with Him. But somewhere in here is a mixture of fear that He won't reply, fear to hear myself speak and fear that I may not actually be the person I want to be.
I've found myself in a state of constant cognitive dissonance for the past 5 years. It feels ridiculous when I say why because it may seem small but for those who have been where I am, you will understand entirely why the cause is humungous. I met this incredible man about 6/7 years ago who became not just my best friend, but my love (in all the ways possible). He was someone who I couldn't fully understand, but as I unravelled him over the years his person became more apparent to me – he was and is complicated. I think what is most scary to me is that I couldn't (and still don't) fully understand why he's been placed into my life in the capacity he has.
We met and instantly knew that there was a deep, deep connection between the both of us. Within minutes of meeting, a woman stood by us asking if I was his wife – that is how strong this bond was. At the time I was a Jesus-loving, holy-dating believer and all my life was based around the mission of being my best self in Christ. This desire I still have today.
Anyway this man and I ever so gradually became friends – though this didn't come very easily. For almost 80% of the time spent in conversation with him, I'd find myself coming off the phone shimandering – hoping that whatever spirit had overtaken him would not transfer to me. I still very much believe in spirits, so that isn't said in jest. I would, very frequently, question G-d: why is he here?
Our conversations were full of important discussions, wholesome questions, laughter, understanding and dissonance. We would both find solace in our speaking; we would find joy in the company; we would relate and come away with even better questions to ask ourselves and each other. It's been like that to this day.
At the time of meeting him, I was dating a wonderful young man by the name of Dami who loved Christ and the Church like I did. His commitment to G-d, his mission, various gifts and marriage was admirable – so admirable I was so sure he'd be the one I would marry (he too felt like I did). He was hot, worked out, was super smart but most of all, I reiterate, HE LOVED JESUS! Honestly this is all I wanted. I just wanted a man who loved the Lord like I did. And there he was, in my life, committed to being a husband to me one day.
Then things fell apart when it became apparent to me that he and I had built a lovely relationship, but not a whole friendship. It took me sitting with an actual friend of mine to realise that since entering my relationship, I hadn't laughed from my gut in ages. I hadn't visited the depths of my being in ages; neither did I even really know my inner-most sincere self in the time that I was dating this excellent man. These shattering truths hit me like a tonne of bricks and I couldn't stay in a place where I couldn't offer my sincere self to a man I'd intend to do life with.
We called it a day. The pain of that was very real – but not the kind of pain you'd expect.
It turns out my hurt wasn't over losing him, it was over the fact that I felt like G-d had lied to me (that felt horrendous to type). About 4 months prior to meeting Dami, I had made a desperate plea to my Father to give me a man I could love and be with for the rest of my days. My most revered desire was for him to be a believer and be smart. Everything else was in the hands of my Saviour – his looks, background, career, height etc.
And there he was. He was everything I did and didn't ask for. He was wonderful. So imagine the betrayal I feel when after a year of dating (this was also the longest relationship I'd been in) a complete curveball gets in my way. It really felt like G-d had just pulled a fast one on me...and that still hurts me to this day.
I had taken the time to be alone, seek G-d's help and refuge – and honestly I found it. I began attending a new church, made some lifelong friends and got into serving after years of just being an attendee. My life made sense to me again. But in the background was this man with whom I could be my most authentic self. With him I could laugh freely, speak freely and be. He and I came from very similar cultures (both religious and heritage) so we could understand one another to a tee. In a word, we were galactic. Our worlds collided and co-existed so well that we couldn't explain how this happened – all we knew is that it did. It still feels like that to this day. One major problem occurred: he was not a believer. He believed but very much in a secular way – he was never shown The Way, The Truth or The Life.
So I asked G-d to help me do something about him, namely, to eliminate him from my life. I couldn't carry on being free knowing that the idea of his presence would harrow me on a regular basis. He constantly challenged my thinking and my ideas, and this was not a source of joy. It stressed me out all the time. It was as if he was trying to knock me off balance where my faith was concerned.
Months passed and I tried everything – blocking calls and texts, deleting his phone number and removing all forms of communication. It worked. For 2 weeks. The reason this method wasn't successful is that it was done purely in practice, but not in mind. I just wanted this confusion to be gone. And so one day I was in evening service at my church at the time and I remember, in a moment of solitude and peace, asking The Lord to take control. "I've done everything within my power Lord. I leave this in your hands. If this is someone who should be around, then let it be. If not, then I need You to please remove our relationship from us so that I can keep moving."
Three days later, we met up in what felt like and became a date and then the beginning of our lives as we've never known them.
I could genuinely write pages upon pages just trying to describe the type of man he is, and more importantly the kind of relationship we have, but then your patience wouldn't make it that far. It's imperative to mention that our GALACTIC nature is just that. But it's also imperative to mention that I can't for the life of me figure out WHY he is who he is to me, and what G-d wants me to do with him. He still, to this day, grates me when it comes to core beliefs and I am constantly struggling with his ideologies. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself, and going further from the life I want to live – but it seems like every time I contemplate or move towards the person I really want to be, I keep getting pushed away.

I want to be a woman of faith, honour and valour. I would love to get married and consummate my marriage with my husband when the time comes. I want my children to be followers of Yeshua and honestly I just want to serve G-d, but it feels like the same G-d I want to serve is constantly pushing me away; not helping me to come to Him easily...

Has anyone else been through this?

Your choices, not God's are why you are in a mess.

[chosenone]

My thoughts are this. The man you gave up was likely Gods choice for you. The other man is being used by satan to get you away from God. God doesn't play tricks, ever. You are allowing yourself to be used and led away from God by this man. You said yourself that he seems to have wrong spirits, NOT good. You need to stay right away from him for good and for goodness sake never have sex with him. 
The choice of what to do is yours. I think you know what you must do, surely you know that God says light and dark cant mix? That we are not to be unequally yoked? You cant be who God wants you to be when you are obsessed with this ungodly man.