Advice please

[todd44044]

My wife decided to leave us today. Our 18 mo. old daughter and I. She said she would have to live with someone for a while until she could afford a place of her own. Through lots of tears and a few harsh words we decided to live in the same house for our daughters sake and financial reasons for a while. Then she asked me not to "beat up" any of her boyfriends she might have. So it is clear that she is truly"done" with us as she says. Should I do this? I mean, it was my idea. It seems a shame that my daughter and I should be unfairly rejected due to my wifes own selfish wants and desires, but especially our daughter. She said she didnt want to leave our daughter...just me, but that she didnt have anywhere to take her. I explained that I would not agree to turn over custody to her when she got "ready" so that if she left us that was it. Her response was,"promise me you'll never let her call anyone else mommy". So even though she cried hysterically about it I guess it must be worth it to her. Thats when I asked if she wanted to stay for a while and live as roommates and friends. I have to admit that part of it is still my own disbelief that it really is"over" and I find it hard to believe that it could be. Especially as devoted to her as I am, and how much I do for her and show her that her and my daughter are my life. Any ideas on how we could do this and if there is any way it could work?

[Charles Sloan]

This might not be the best advice, but this is all I got.

That being said I would first forgive her of what she is doing and the hurt she is causing you. Tell her you don't approve of what she is doing, but but tell her how you love her and that you will still be there for her. If she doesn't want her daughter calling someone else "Mommy", tell her she has nothing to fear because her place in your home will be waiting for her.

This is a difficult time for you, but the Lord will carry you trough it. I've been there, she never left but she was talking about it. Prayer and faith is the key, show her love and your mercy. And never forget to remain in God's Word through all these trials that you face.

You have my prayers.

BTW: Apologize for those and any other harsh words.

[Mac]

Any ideas on how we could do this and if there is any way it could work?

Now THIS may be VERY unpopular but I would not do that...It seems to me that you are holding on to the hope that she will see you are sincere and stay, etc...I know where you are at right now brother...But, mind what she said to you about beating up her boyfriends...She means it..Are you prepared to see a woman you are "completely devoted" to with another man? Don't expose yourself or your child to that....

There is absolutely nothing wrong with separating for a while..But I think it would be a huge mistake to enable her behavior as far as boyfriends, living arrangements, etc...If she is going to take the action, she needs to own the consequence...No ifs, ands, or buts..

I know how hard this is...I did this for about 6 weeks when my first wife did the same to me...It was a disaster...She left me with the kids to go partying...Wouldn't come home..When she did she would go into her room and close the door and talk to her "Friends with benefits"...If you truly love her, seeing this will tear your guts out...

Turn it over to the Lord, but it is my advice for you not to enable her or her actions...Do not make this adulterous behavior easy for her..Do not allow her to think you approve or even accept that...If you look at what I have said, how would enabling her in this situation help you or your daughter? It will not...Just love you child...It is fine to wait for her...Pray for her daily..Pray for your marriage to be healed daily..Pray for your family to be repaired...But DO NOT let her think you approve of this behavior...Why would you want to make this easy for her?..Or make her comfortable doing this? Don't...

God bless you brother..I will be praying for you...

[Charles Sloan]

Mac,

I love your advice, you put into words what I so desperately what to say earlier. I would like to emphasize one part of what you said:

"Do not make this adulterous behavior easy for her..Do not allow her to think you approve or even accept that..."

This is very important because like Mac said, you would only be enabling her. But I would also add to do so without appearing judgemental or condemning, but remaining firm in sincere love. I know this might sound hard to do, but the Lord can give you strength. Just rely on him.

[Mac]

Charles Sloan,

Just because someone is a Christian and they love the Lord, that does not mean they have to be a walking mat or foolish...I have had many occasions to hear people say, "That is not a very Christian thing to say or do." because of someone (including myself) calling rain wet or fire hot.....People do not like to be told the truth a lot of the time...They want to be left alone with nobody showing them the consequences of their actions...And if someone is critical of what they have done or are doing, they start questioning your Christianity because you told it the way it is/was.

There is a stereotype of Christian men and women being, well...wimps, door mats, etc.......Well, I beg to differ...Yes, God told us to be submissive to one another...For a man to love his wife as Christ loved the church...Which by the way is a lot..Christ died for the Church...But he gave us a brain also...It is 100% possible for a Christian to stand firm on his/her convictions and NEVER be judgmental or condemning...Some will tell you that cannot be done, but it can...

Telling his wife that although he loves her deeply and wants his family united again, he cannot and will not stand by and enable that behavior...I am very passionate about this because I have lived it..I have been there...It is a very tough time TODD44044 is entering, but the Lord is greater than all of this...It doesn't mean he will not hurt or even be scarred a little, but make no doubt that our God is an awesome God..The one and only sovereign God..He will make something good out of this...He is faithful to those who love Him. That much I am sure of....

[Charles Sloan]

Mac,

I think you misunderstood me. I agreed with everything you said, and felt it was much similar to what I said only better explained and in more detail. I was not suggesting he be a "walking mat" or enable her behavior. What I wanted to emphasize was because I felt it was the most important, not because I disagreed.

[Mac]

Mac,

I think you misunderstood me. I agreed with everything you said, and felt it was much similar to what I said only better explained and in more detail. I was not suggesting he be a "walking mat" or enable her behavior. What I wanted to emphasize was because I felt it was the most important, not because I disagreed.

Charles Sloan,

No, No, No...Please forgive my inability to write better...I did not write that response because of what you wrote..Rather, I wrote it to explain why I feel the way I do about this particular subject...I did not take your post that way...I also did not intend to insinuate that you think Christians should be walking mats...I was just talking about non-Christians in general feeling that way...I understood your post for what it was...Thanks for allowing me to clear that up....

[Charles Sloan]

Thanks Mac,

Whew, I feel relieved. I admire what you wrote very much, especially since this is exactly what the Lord laid upon my heart when I read Todd's plight. I just didn't know really how to word it, and I was worried I would say something wrong and mislead him; knowing how serious this situation is. This really pulls at my heart, mostly because of Todd's awareness of his hand in the events and his regret. I can relate.

Todd,

You and your wife will be in my prayers tonight. I hope you will trust Jesus to restore your family, no matter what might happen.

[jmyrick13]

I am currently going through some marital problems of my own.
It's very easy to see the fault of the other person and try to place all of the blame on them.
In my case, I had to look at myself to understand that I am probably part of the problem too. I'm not going to try to tell you how to solve your dilemma, if I could do that, I wouldn't be having the issues that I am.
I turned the situation over to God in my prayers and he has given me the wisdom and strength to overcome my own shortcomings and start to repair the damage that has been done.
I'm not trying to say that your situation and mine are the same, but I can sympathize with you.

My prayers are with you.

[johntwayne]

 

[dmcca]

todd--i'm not all that sure that being as agreeable as you have been is going to help your cause all that much.not that i'm a psychologist or anything, just a woman's --feeling--that the man worth fighting for knows that he is.

first of all, your wife does not have the right to sponge a hearth and home from you and shove her fornications in the face of you and her children. she doesn't have the right to expect you to not marry, or that your new wife won't warm your children's hearts, so that she will indeed be the woman that they call mommy.

second of all--have you seen the movie the painted veil--it is about a woman who committed adultery, and that husband-wow--didn't take it all that well--but he was--from this woman's viewpoint---WOW. At one point in the movie, the woman said to her husband "i was afraid of you" as an excuse for her behaviour. Her husbands said "well you should have been." Now that was sexy!

OK, now i know that you are going to get a bunch of messages saying that i am wrong, but my female feeling is that a woman needs to learn to be afraid, very afraid of doing this to her husband, and that is the only way reconciliation will take place.

[Brian Millar]

Dmcca, I agree with your take on this.  I'd have her live outside of the house for a couple of weeks, no contact, no phone calls, nothing, let her see the world she's creating and give her time to reflect upon the decision she's making.  If she cannot see the light, she may be truely lost, if she has a change of heart, then consider this test over with.  Staying together like this, you are essentialy having an open marriage.  Open marriages never work, which is the bottom line.

It's too bad this lesson has to be learned this way, I feel it's a situation where both of you jumped into marriage too quickly and likely, the child in her mind was suppsed to fix things, yet she found out it didn't work.

Along fear, she should fear God for what she's doing to you, her daughter and most of all, to herself.  At the same time, look towards yourself, are you the strong person she needs, or are you kind of weak in your stance.  Some times it's best to assert yourself as a man, to remain strong and vigilent in your stance, especially with the word.  It sounds to me like she's just using you, that it's more convienent to stick around there and that she's being very selfish about it all, afterall, she's not thinking about your feelings at all, and to take it as far as inviting other men in front of you makes it worse.

I'd say seek counseling, but to her, I'd say, seek depth of spirit, she lacks in that department from what you are saying.  I know your heart is breaking over this, but you gotta pull it together for your daughters sake, your wife needs to flat out "grow up" and until she does so, there is no real marriage, just an arrangment.

You are in my prayers.  Brian

[JoyInHim]

Todd, My husband (at 33) was abandoned by his wife of 8 years (also 33).  She left the state for another man, leaving her 15 yo (pregnant) daughter, and their 6 year old daughter with my husband.  He stayed stable in the Lord, stayed in their own home, and allowed his wife to go off.  He didn't change - he kept working, supporting his kids (he adopted the first, and he wouldn't give over custody to the wife) and 3 years later we married.  I had never known him except as a single, Christian Dad.  While it took a couple year for him to heal (he committed to at least 3 years of celebacy and singleness to offer his new wife a whole man), God has been faithful. 

We will celebrate 20 years, and 5 (more) children in a few months.

The #1 book that my husband recommends to people in your shoes is Dr. James Dobson's 'Love Must Be Tough.'  This short book detailed step by step 'how' my husband should maintain his own place when the world was falling around him.  It untangled the emotion and confusion for him, and drew a distinct line whereby his adulterous spouse was forced to choose. 

The effect of Dr. Dobson's book was profound.  My husband went from a begging desperate man - to a man firm in his resolve, strong enough to allow his wife to leave if that were her choice - because he knew exactly where he stood, and what HIS plan was.  His wife asked what had changed, the day after he read the book - he went from black to white.  Sadly, (happily for me I would suppose), she chose to leave.  He kept the children.

Please get a hold of this book.   www.Family.org will send it to you free, along with other resources, if you cannot afford it.  They also offer free counseling and will connect you with local long term Christian counsel if you do not have any.

Praying for your family and you.  Above all, take care of that little girl - she belongs with you.

[Petals]

Joyinhim, I was going to recommend the same book.  It has helped many people.

Mac, your advice was great!  I agree!   

Todd?  Where are you?  How are you doing now?  Has anything changed?   

[todd44044]

I appreciate the prayers immensely. She has started a relationship with him now and it is a hard day to day life. Thank you so much.