How important is keeping up appearances?

[Imabear]

I have been wondering about this for a while.
How important is it that you look good for your spouse?
How important is it that he/she look good for you?
If they let themselves go... how has that affected your relationship?
Does it turn you off?
Have you learned to adjust?
How did you deal with it?

I was looking for another thread on this topic and found this:
Different Sex Drives

[HRoberson]

I have been wondering about this for a while.
How important is it that you look good for your spouse?
How important is it that he/she look good for you?
If they let themselves go... how has that affected your relationship?
Does it turn you off?
Have you learned to adjust?
How did you deal with it?

I was looking for another thread on this topic and found this:
Different Sex Drives

Depends on how you understand your spouse, and what they want.

Personally, I like to look good and I like my spouse to look good. The "look" though, depends on what we're doing.

[zoonance]

"Letting yourself go" because of unconcern, laziness, selfishness etc. is one thing.  Losing some physical attractiveness because of disease is another.  Unconcern about being attractive (physical or otherwise) to your mate is unkind.   Aging gracefully is beautiful.  A hot witch is still ugly.

[Bon Voyage]

very important.  it isn't just about looks, it is about respect.

[Imabear]

BIG Edit...  snip snip...

How important should our appearance be?  
Do we have a "right" to expect this from a spouse.
Do we have a responsibility to please our spouse by keeping up our appearance within reason?  
Do you think when a spouse asks their partner to lose weight that it can actually set up a dynamic that makes it harder to lose weight?  (Someone suggested something like that in the thread I linked to.)

Thanks Guys

[Mac]

I have been wondering about this for a while.
How important is it that you look good for your spouse?
How important is it that he/she look good for you?
If they let themselves go... how has that affected your relationship?
Does it turn you off?
Have you learned to adjust?
How did you deal with it?

I was looking for another thread on this topic and found this:
Different Sex Drives

This is a question that has dogged marriage and married couples for a long while..People get content...Then laziness can set in..Weight gain, etc...

I guess I am in the other side of this..I am the one who gained weight...It bothers me a whole lot more than my wife..She is just as "frisky" today as she was when we married...I guess that comes along with age and maturity...I am not saying your not mature, I just do not know your circumstance.. I have talked to her many times about this...But she is always the same...

I am 6'3" about 290-300...Old football player...I, like your husband, have the frame to hold the weight...I am not saying I am a slob, but I could lose some weight. She is about 5'7" 130. She is in great shape..Exercises and eats well...The only thing she wants from me is to stay healthy..I have a physical every year...I do not eat fried food...Do not eat junk (fast food, etc..) very much...Good blood pressure..Cholesterol is good...Do not drink or smoke...

She has always looked good...I try to dress nice when we go out and do things..She picks out my clothes..So, I guess I can't go wrong there..LOL...

As far as it affecting things..Well, that goes back to maturity in my opinion..Love, as defined in the bible, is an action...It is an act of obedience to the Lord to love our spouse as He instructed us...When you look at the biblical definition of love it proves that...See here:

1 Corinthians Chapter  13: 4-8

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

I truly believe people can "adjust" to a circumstance...What if he was to get into an accident and it affected his looks? Could you accept it? I have seen this first hand..Guy was happily married for several years..They had young children.. Young as in tweeners and teenagers...Contracted St.Louis Encephalitis (Sp?)..Became paralyzed from the neck down...Long story short, his wife told him, "she deserved more than half a husband"...She divorced him...Tried to take him to the cleaners..Let's just say, the judge was not very nice to her...The way she handled it was awful...But this is really no different than a woman or man who leaves their spouse because of something out of their control..Happens everyday..But, I believe if we love the way the Lord has instructed us to love, we can do it...If the Lord is the "Head" of our marriage, we are ok..What I mean by that is, if my wife is looking to the Lord and I am looking to the Lord, we are both pointed in the same and right direction..I move my wife out of the way and there is the Lord..Same for her...We do what we do because we love the Lord..I love my wife the way I do, because I love the Lord...Does that make sense?

You are really the only one who can answer whether you will be able to accept things "as is". If it is only about the physical side of things, I would say yes..It is definitely achievable..There are many ways to be intimate...Let your imagination go wild...

[kensington]

Yeah... you are right Gary, I should probably delete it. 

[kensington]

Gary was right... I needed to rethink my comments...

Let me say this...  If you are friends with his wife, she will probably be very hurt should she ever find out that the two of you aired your "body" concerns to one another. (You and her husband)... No matter how it is put to her, she won't get it and it will be an offense to her. 

Our pastor said once... "You can tell a man that his tie is ugly and he will wear it the next Sunday, but tell a woman you don't like her hat, and she will remember that in eternity!" 

A woman talking to another womans husband about her faults...  umm... don't go there. Just tell him if it comes up again, that as a Christian you can't do that.  Change the subject. HTH... 

Maybe when you are with her, you can mention to her how important it is to you to be pleasing in appearance to your husband, and just set the example for her.  It's really a matter of personal pride, but once in a while it can rub off.

[sopranette]

Confidence (NOT arrogance) is a huge turn on for me.  That seems to overcome a lot of physical imperfections.  Both my husband and myself were too thin when we got married.  Marriage has done us good.  Neither of us are overweight, but he really looks even better to me now, and I like the new curves on myself, too. I've never been high maitenance, don't like the fussing, but some upkeep is appreciated by all involved. ;)

love,

Sopranette 

[Imabear]

Gary was right... I needed to rethink my comments...

Let me say this...  If you are friends with his wife, she will probably be very hurt should she ever find out that the two of you aired your "body" concerns to one another. (You and her husband)... No matter how it is put to her, she won't get it and it will be an offense to her. 

Our pastor said once... "You can tell a man that his tie is ugly and he will wear it the next Sunday, but tell a woman you don't like her hat, and she will remember that in eternity!" 

A woman talking to another womans husband about her faults...  umm... don't go there. Just tell him if it comes up again, that as a Christian you can't do that.  Change the subject. HTH... 

Maybe when you are with her, you can mention to her how important it is to you to be pleasing in appearance to your husband, and just set the example for her.  It's really a matter of personal pride, but once in a while it can rub off.

Kensington, Did you even read my post?  I did admit I made a mistake.  To make it clear.  I did NOT complain about my husband's body or appearance to this guy.  I did complain about some other things having to do with his inability to function in the real world... earn a living and such.
It was he that complained about his wife to me.  Once I realized where that was going, I put an end to it.  I am very cautious in what I say around him now.  I have very firm boundaries in place.  Thanks for your input though.

[kensington]

No... I didn't read the post.  I never even saw it.   

[Imabear]

As far as it affecting things..Well, that goes back to maturity in my opinion..Love, as defined in the bible, is an action...It is an act of obedience to the Lord to love our spouse as He instructed us...When you look at the biblical definition of love it proves that...See here:

1 Corinthians Chapter  13: 4-8

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

I truly believe people can "adjust" to a circumstance...What if he was to get into an accident and it affected his looks? Could you accept it? I have seen this first hand..Guy was happily married for several years..They had young children.. Young as in tweeners and teenagers...Contracted St.Louis Encephalitis (Sp?)..Became paralyzed from the neck down...Long story short, his wife told him, "she deserved more than half a husband"...She divorced him...Tried to take him to the cleaners..Let's just say, the judge was not very nice to her...The way she handled it was awful...But this is really no different than a woman or man who leaves their spouse because of something out of their control..Happens everyday..But, I believe if we love the way the Lord has instructed us to love, we can do it...If the Lord is the "Head" of our marriage, we are ok..What I mean by that is, if my wife is looking to the Lord and I am looking to the Lord, we are both pointed in the same and right direction..I move my wife out of the way and there is the Lord..Same for her...We do what we do because we love the Lord..I love my wife the way I do, because I love the Lord...Does that make sense?

You are really the only one who can answer whether you will be able to accept things "as is". If it is only about the physical side of things, I would say yes..It is definitely achievable..There are many ways to be intimate...Let your imagination go wild...

Good stuff.  Honestly, I'm not going anywhere.  I do have to admit that I was struggling a bit a couple of years back, not that I would have left him, but I was having problems with the whole physical intimacy thing and I was discontent with his job status.  We have worked through the physical issues, and I am learning to be content with the finances as limited as they are.

The reason I brought this up was that I had been wondering what other people think about these kinds of issues.
I do believe that if we become dissatisfied with our spouse for one reason or another,  we need to remember that we did make a promise before God, for better or for worse.  God is faithful, and will provide a way to work through ANY problems.   I truly believe that.  
There are issues of love and respect and living the way that God has called us to live... Even if that means I have to give up my hopes, dreams, and desires.  I'm having trouble putting my thought into words here, but what it comes down to is He is faithful.  

[Imabear]

This afternoon I heard this on the radio.  I thought it was appropriate. 

In many marriages, spouses stop trying to meet each other's needs. I can think of several reasons they do. First, we get lazy. We forget we're still competing for our mate's affection. Number two, we get distracted. Especially us task-oriented people. We don't focus on our relationship like we should. Third, many couples honestly don't know what to do. They need help. And finally (this is a BIG one), unresolved conflict. This covers everything from anger and unforgiveness to serious issues from the past that have never been dealt with.

~ Dennis Rainey

[chosenone]

I think it is always a good idea to look after ourselves and try to look presentable for ourselves and our spouse, but we should also be able to relax and be comfortable with who we are.
We should be allowed to wear comfortable clothes and not always feel we have to dress up for our spouse. I remember a Christian man complaining in one of these forums(not this one) that his wife didnt wear make up and most of the time only wore jeans and a shirt. Well I thought , is it a sin not to wear make up? If he didnt like his wife as she is maybe he souldnt have married her. If he only likes her wearing make up that seems strange to me. Make up is making us look different from what God made us to look like. I have no problems with whether peoplewear it or not but it should be our own choice and not some tning that is forced upon us.
re the weight issue, that can be a thorny one. many men seem to like very slim women and many of us put weight on after children and as we get older, so this can be an issue, but we are all going to get old and many put some weight on, so this has to be faced.

I know of a Christian woman who is now middle aged, who is  obsessed with not putting any weight on, and always has been, She gets depressed if she puts on 2 pounds, and seems to be almost verging on being anorexic. The thing is that she is so thin that she actually looks very bony and very unattractive , the opposite of what she is wanting to acheive. She is also obsessed with not ageing, and spends a fortune on creams, facials, treatment etc. Ths thing is that she is 51 now, and will be old whatever so how will she cope then?This has nothing to do with trying to please her husband or anything,it is her obsession.

Our ultimate need is to be loved and accepted as we are and not as we want to be, both by God and by our spouses,.