I filed for divorce, then I changed my mind. How do I get her back?

[Carwhisperer]

We separated back in Late April. We have been married 16 years, one 11 year old daughter. She stays home, I'm a teacher. The main tension in our marriage was my wandering eye and her jealousy. I never touched another woman, nor had any kind of relationship with one until the separation. I tried to keep my tendency to look in check. I think she was hyper-sensitive to what I did, where I looked. I never looked at porn, didn't flirt, tried not to notice other women in front of her.

We were separated in 2000 for 3 months. I came home one day to a message on the answering machine. She shut me out and wouldn't communicate, except the minimal amount to transfer our 2 year old daughter.

This time it was more my idea. She went to stay with her sister. She suggested that she come back about 3 weeks in. I balked at the idea though I didn't come out and say it. About 5 weeks in I had an encounter with another woman. I filed for divorce the next day.

After a few weeks of feeling terrible every day, knowing I was doing the wrong thing, I decided to try and reconcile. I couldn't pray to God. It dawned on me that I need to do what is right! I tried to cancel the divorce, but was unable to do it without her signature. She wouldn't do it and said she wanted to go through with the divorce.

I made a list of things I would do differently in our marriage, if she would reconsider. Things went on and I thought I/we were making progress. I was considering buying her a car. I checked the bank account and found that she was spending money at a rate I found to be alarming. I took the remaining money out of the bank so that I could pay the mortgage. This act, which was interpreted as hostile, and probably was, killed any progress. She contacted her attorney and all progress was lost.

I gave up and started to think about other women again. That went on for 3 weeks. I had a date, but no physical contact. The next day I broke down balling in the driveway while working on my truck. I called her and told her I wanted to reconcile again (voicemail). We talked 2 days later. She questioned me about other women. Somehow she knew I had a date. I lied about it. She hung up and said to never call her again. I called back and admitted that I had lied. I sent her a few emails, confessing to her what I had done up to that point. That seemed to make a difference, as she called me back the next day, offering me extra time with our daughter.

I picked up a book by Ed Wheat, on how to reconcile if only one of you wants it. The main point of the book is to love, love, love. I fixed her car, no strings attached. I've been sending her cards and nice emails, trying hard not to over due it. I made her a figurine (a welding sculpture) of two old people in rocking chairs holding hands. She always said she wanted to grow old together. I know you are not supposed to put the children in the middle but I asked my daughter and she said that the figurine is still sitting on the windowsill on display.

The Ed Wheat book says not to listen to those who don't believe in your marriage. I'm posting this looking for encouragement to do what is right. If you are not a believer in marriage, then please don't respond. That may sound like I want false hope. If that is what you want to call it, fine. But all I want to do is what is right, which is reconciliation, as far as I read the Bible. Yes, she has the right to  divorce, but I don't think that is what God thinks is best.

[chosenone]

If you are divorcing her then just stop the divorce.If she still wants a divorce she will have to do it herself. Neither of you have any reasons to divorce, and it sounds as if you have both made bad decisions.

Must admit that if I found out that my husband who I had only been seperated from for a few weeks was seing another women, I may not be in a hurry to  want to get back either.That will not make her feel wanted at all. Also how can she trust you if you keep lying to her?

Have you both thought about counselling? I think you both need it if this marriage is to survive.

[chaz345]

Have you seen the movie Fireproof or read the book it's based on The Love Dare?  While it is a good movie,I would just  get the book and do it.

[Thankfulldad]

I made a list of things I would do differently in our marriage, if she would reconsider. Things went on and I thought I/we were making progress. I was considering buying her a car.

Lists are fine...but, a relationship with God is critical.

It amazes me how these lists of things are going to somehow change things, "I will do all of these things on this list if you only would come back".  Did the list include God?  

We see Christians do this all the time (I did it).  The problem is...lists do not draw us closer to God.  God wants us in Him and He in us...a relationship.  Forget the list...we will only blow it down the road.  If you want to make a list...the only items on the list should be this...God, take over my life!  Jesus, come on in...I need you!

Take on His attitude, His love, His patience, His hope, His heart...He is waiting for you; time is on His side...

I just would like to add; with God in you (within that relationship)...you will never have to change your mind again.  He is the same today as He was yesterday and will be forever.  Nice to know...isn't it

[Mac]

There is hope. The Lord is faithful... My wife and I have some friends who are pretty much going through the same thing... Many people have freaked out that they may get remarried, but I have told her to follow the Lord.. Not people... If you seek the Lord, He will not forsake you...

I give you the same advice. Do not smother her. Be very careful how you deal with the child in as much as asking questions.. Really best to leave her out of it...

If the divorce goes through, so be it. Do not give up. Pray, pray, pray... She must learn to trust you again. DO NOT LIE TO HER... About anything... You will be surprised at how the Lord lays things on your wife's heart.. Just to test you... If given the chance to tell her something that she doesn't know but needs to, tell her...

Start over... Try to date... Take it slow... And again, do not smother her. If she asks for space, give it to her happily. Remember, you broke the marriage vow. She needs to learn how to trust, and perhaps, love you all over again..

If it is worth it to you, do not give up...

Also remember this, if you have asked for forgiveness, it is over. The Lord has forgiven. You do not need to live in despair... No matter the outcome of your marriage... Hopefully, your wife will be accepting eventually...

Keep praying... But do not get angry with her if she struggles... She has a right to struggle with what is going on...

[Elaine]

Hi,
I noticed you said you wanted to buy her a new car.  It made me think if that was her Love Language - gifts.

Do you know about Dr. Gary Chapman's book on the Five Love Languages?

Speak her language first.  It may not be gifts.   It could be words, doing things like you fixed her car, wanting to spend quality time with her ----maybe she doesn't "feel" your love because your speaking different languages.   Just an idea.

[Carwhisperer]

If you are divorcing her then just stop the divorce.If she still wants a divorce she will have to do it herself. Neither of you have any reasons to divorce, and it sounds as if you have both made bad decisions.
Also how can she trust you if you keep lying to her?
Have you both thought about counselling? I think you both need it if this marriage is to survive.

I lied once. I don't keep lying to her. But, I guess it only takes once to make you a liar. I don't intend to do it again. Unfortunately, you can't just stop the divorce, at least in CA. I would have to take her to court to get it dropped without her signature, and I'd likely lose, according to the attorneys with whom I've spoken. Incidentally, she has retained an attorney, I haven't. Counseling would be great, but she won't go.

  The problem is...lists do not draw us closer to God.  God wants us in Him and He in us...a relationship.  Forget the list...we will only blow it down the road.  If you want to make a list...the only items on the list should be this...God, take over my life!  Jesus, come on in...I need you!

That sounds like good advice to me. I have struggled with my relationship with God for many years. I try to grow closer to God, but I don't seem to get any closer. I experience doubt. I've tried to assuage my doubts, praying that they would go away. At any rate, my doubts are less present now. I feel like I really am making progress in my relationship with God. Maybe because it is crunch time. I am committed to continuing with this if we do reunite. Part of the idea behind the list were things to keep me on the right track. Accountability, involvement with other Christians, etc.

There is hope. The Lord is faithful... My wife and I have some friends who are pretty much going through the same thing... Many people have freaked out that they may get remarried, but I have told her to follow the Lord.. Not people... If you seek the Lord, He will not forsake you...

I give you the same advice. Do not smother her. Be very careful how you deal with the child in as much as asking questions.. Really best to leave her out of it...

If the divorce goes through, so be it. Do not give up. Pray, pray, pray... She must learn to trust you again. DO NOT LIE TO HER... About anything... You will be surprised at how the Lord lays things on your wife's heart.. Just to test you... If given the chance to tell her something that she doesn't know but needs to, tell her...

Start over... Try to date... Take it slow... And again, do not smother her. If she asks for space, give it to her happily. Remember, you broke the marriage vow. She needs to learn how to trust, and perhaps, love you all over again..

If it is worth it to you, do not give up...

Also remember this, if you have asked for forgiveness, it is over. The Lord has forgiven. You do not need to live in despair... No matter the outcome of your marriage... Hopefully, your wife will be accepting eventually...

Keep praying... But do not get angry with her if she struggles... She has a right to struggle with what is going on...

Again, this also seems like good advice. I have been sending her a card or two per week, and giving her little gifts. It seems to me that she likes the cards and gifts. I have asked her out on several dates, but she always says no. I have not done that for awhile, because I was afraid it was smothering. I've been thinking about asking her for Friday, but I'm afraid that I might upset the apple cart. I think she is softening toward me but I think she still finds me to be repulsive on some level. That may sound terminal, but I know she really does still love me. She places a lot of value on obedience to God, and she considers me to be her first love (after all, she was 19 when we met).

We see each other at soccer practice twice a week, church Sunday morning and daughter transfers. I give her space at all of these. I want to show her that being around me can be pleasant.

Who has specific suggestions for loving things to do?

[Elaine]

Who has specific suggestions for loving things to do?

Do all the loving things you've done in the past that "worked".

What does she respond to ---what is she open to --- that's why I said know her language.

Mine is communication. Flowers go in the trash, hugs mean nothing, doing things for me cracks the door open. But, asking me to tell you what is wrong and  you explaining where you are coming from and why you did something and how you understand it was a foolish thing now and you're learning --- the door starts to open.

It's very loving to listen to someone and give them the safety of no judgment and no reaction --just listening and absorbing.

Men like to "do" things often ---that is sweet and nice, but the female version of the species often likes communication.
We can hire someone to do things for us and we can grow flowers.   But to have someone listen to us ---ahh, finally someone cares.

Coming from one female that has read many self -help books and been in alot of therapy and is surrounded by friends that have learned so much in therapy,  and has mostly friends that are shrinks, Elaine :)

[Carwhisperer]

Who has specific suggestions for loving things to do?

Do all the loving things you've done in the past that "worked".

What does she respond to ---what is she open to --- that's why I said know her language.

Mine is communication. Flowers go in the trash, hugs mean nothing, doing things for me cracks the door open. But, asking me to tell you what is wrong and  you explaining where you are coming from and why you did something and how you understand it was a foolish thing now and you're learning --- the door starts to open.

It's very loving to listen to someone and give them the safety of no judgment and no reaction --just listening and absorbing.

Men like to "do" things often ---that is sweet and nice, but the female version of the species often likes communication.
We can hire someone to do things for us and we can grow flowers.   But to have someone listen to us ---ahh, finally someone cares.

Coming from one female that has read many self -help books and been in alot of therapy and is surrounded by friends that have learned so much in therapy,  and has mostly friends that are shrinks, Elaine :)

I think you are onto something here. We did study the love languages as a young married couple 12 years ago. I know she has mentioned it now and then over the years but I can't remember what her love languages are. How could I tell what they are? I can try to guess but is there a set of questions I can ask myself about her or something?


We did talk at soccer practice last night. What she told me was that she suspected that I did what I did assuming that she would forgive and forget. That is definitely not the case, and I told her so. I truly thought the marriage was over. That is why I did what I did. But now I realize that I made a huge mistake. I offered to meet with her and listen while she talked, let her yell or whatever. I would be silent or answer only yes or no if she wanted. She did not want that.

She told me she didn't see us getting back together, but once or twice I thought I detected the faintest glimmer of hope. Where do I go from here?
Brian

[Elaine]

This is indeed complicated --you "think" you pick up a glimmer of hope ---yet when you offer to have her have the floor - she says, no ---now for a woman that is interesting ---I personally would try one more time gently ---because of your past encounters she may not trust you ---maybe one more time she would .... see? it's tricky --not knowing everything.   

Maybe not "offer" ---simply sit calmly and ask a question and "zip it"...see if she starts to spill her guts and trust that you are not going to react ---and simply listen ------we all want to be listened to and understood....we really do.  ----so do you ---but it's her turn.

As far as her language ---it says in the book ---if you come home from a business trip and she says , "You didn't bring me anything?' Then it's gifts.
If she says - "You're always at work."   Then it's time spent.
In other words what ever she complains about or mentions  ---that's what it is.

Now if you have been with her and you don't know what her language is by now ---that could be troubling ----alot to repair, my brother.

Somehow let her know how you have changed and are willing to change bec she means that much to you.  She is that important to you and you were an idiot before not to realize it.   

We eat that stuff up.   (Contrite men that have changed.)

Get back to me.

[Carwhisperer]

I think her language might be touch. Touch is pretty much out of the question now, of course.

I think second might be gifts. She is not a greedy person by any stretch. I make a decent living but I am a cheapskate. We drive old cars, which I repair myself, and put pretty much all our extra money into real estate (which looks silly now, of course). At any rate, I have gotten upset in the past when she seems to spend money without regard for how hard I work to earn it (she stays home). She is influenced by her sister's situation. She also stays home but her husband makes quite a bit more money and they aren't afraid to spend way beyond their means. She gets whatever she wants. That is partly why I offered to get her a new(er) car. Not to bribe her, but to show her I care about her. She has mentioned many times that she wants a more reliable car, and I didn't really listen.

I can't really think of what it is that she says she is not getting.

As far as her language ---it says in the book ---if you come home from a business trip and she says , "You didn't bring me anything?' Then it's gifts.
If she says - "You're always at work."   Then it's time spent.
In other words what ever she complains about or mentions  ---that's what it is.

Now if you have been with her and you don't know what her language is by now ---that could be troubling ----alot to repair, my brother.

I think our relationship was on the rocks for so long that she had basically stopped asking me for anything along those lines.

When we were separated in 2000, I went to a professional counselor, which she required. I did send her notes and cards, and I think this may have ultimately made the biggest difference. I am doing that now. But I'm using caution because I don't want to overwhelm her or appear desperate. I'm pretty sure that she reads the cards and my emails, but she doesn't respond to them.

Maybe not "offer" ---simply sit calmly and ask a question and "zip it"...see if she starts to spill her guts and trust that you are not going to react ---and simply listen ------we all want to be listened to and understood....we really do.  ----so do you ---but it's her turn.

I think I could have done better here at soccer practice. I did too much of the talking the other night. I did listen well when she talked. But I should have just sat there more and waited for her to talk, even if there was silence.

[HRoberson]

Ask her if she would attend counseling with you.

A Christian, licensed counselor - not a pastor (unless she is licensed as a therapist).

Without speaking with her, any ideas I might give you would be given in the dark.

[Carwhisperer]

Ask her if she would attend counseling with you.

A Christian, licensed counselor - not a pastor (unless she is licensed as a therapist).

Without speaking with her, any ideas I might give you would be given in the dark.

Maybe it is time to try that again. The last time I asked she said no, but that was a while back.

[Carwhisperer]

Would anyone have any suggestion for a good Christian counselor in the Sacramento area?

[HRoberson]

Try here: http://www.therapistlocator.net/

You'll need to ask if they're Christian - and how so.

[dallasapple]

Ask her if she would attend counseling with you.

A Christian, licensed counselor - not a pastor (unless she is licensed as a therapist).

Without speaking with her, any ideas I might give you would be given in the dark.

Maybe it is time to try that again. The last time I asked she said no, but that was a while back.

Maybe you should get into counseling on your own?And later ask her to join you.If she knows you are willing to work on yourself regardless of what she decides she will trust you more.

Love

Dallas

[LuvnHim]

Ask her if she would attend counseling with you.

A Christian, licensed counselor - not a pastor (unless she is licensed as a therapist).

Without speaking with her, any ideas I might give you would be given in the dark.

Maybe it is time to try that again. The last time I asked she said no, but that was a while back.

Maybe you should get into counseling on your own?And later ask her to join you.If she knows you are willing to work on yourself regardless of what she decides she will trust you more.

Love

Dallas

This is actually some solid advice.  Leave your wife in God's able hands & start seeking Him on how to be the best husband/servant to Him you can be. 

Christian counseling for yourself could turn into couples counseling...but don't do it for that reason.  Do it to get yourself on the righteous path.

In essence...get right with God.

[Carwhisperer]

I agree that getting right with God is what I need to do. However, I'm not convinced that paid counseling is the way to go. My past experience with counselor's is that their goal is to keep you talking for 50 minutes so that they can collect the fee. I've never found one that I feel truly wants to help, let alone can actually help. OTOH, I have found pastors to be quite helpful. I am meeting once a week with my pastor now. He is keeping me accountable to some vows I made to my wife during this separation. That is why I asked earlier if anyone knew of a good counselor in my area. My cheapskate side doesn't want to spend $150 to find out if someone is any good. I know of 3 or 4 bad ones, though. I am also planning to attend a new men's group that is starting at our church.

Also, my wife has a pastor friend in Oregon that is praying for us and has offered to visit us down here in California. I've offered to fly him down. He is willing to come. But so far my wife does not seem to be interested.

Brian

[chosenone]

All you can do is keep on praying and ask others to pray (not your young daughter). She may not change her mind, but that is a consequense of what you did. She may change her mind but that is her decision.
How far down the line is the divorce process? Will it be completed soon?. Does she want it done quickly?

[Carwhisperer]

All you can do is keep on praying and ask others to pray (not your young daughter). She may not change her mind, but that is a consequense of what you did. She may change her mind but that is her decision.
How far down the line is the divorce process? Will it be completed soon?. Does she want it done quickly?

I'm glad you asked that. I really don't know how the process works. I filed for divorce on June 18th, 2009. So the soonest it could be final is December 18th. I have received a couple of letters from her attorney, regarding support and custody, but I don't believe anything has been filed with the court. If neither her nor I take any action, does the divorce finalize itself automatically? If not, what must be done for it to be final? Of course I'm not going to do anything to move it forward, and I'm hoping and praying that she doesn't either.

I have been giving her money the last few times I saw her. I gave her some fresh vegetables from my Dad the other day. Last night at soccer practice she gave me some wonderful Indian food she had made with the vegetables. So at least it looks like we are moving toward friendship, which seems to me to be a blessing from God.

[chosenone]

I am from the UK so I dont know about the system there. You need to ask for some legal advice to find out. if you have got letters it looks as if she is persuing it, but that can change. Have you actually told your attourney that you no longer want this divorce?if you havent then I would do that asap.

[Carwhisperer]

I am from the UK so I dont know about the system there. You need to ask for some legal advice to find out. if you have got letters it looks as if she is persuing it, but that can change. Have you actually told your attourney that you no longer want this divorce?if you havent then I would do that asap.

I don't have an attorney. But I have told my wife I don't want it and have asked for her signature to stop it, but she said no. That was a couple of months ago.

[LuvnHim]

I agree that getting right with God is what I need to do. However, I'm not convinced that paid counseling is the way to go. My past experience with counselor's is that their goal is to keep you talking for 50 minutes so that they can collect the fee. I've never found one that I feel truly wants to help, let alone can actually help. OTOH, I have found pastors to be quite helpful. I am meeting once a week with my pastor now. He is keeping me accountable to some vows I made to my wife during this separation. That is why I asked earlier if anyone knew of a good counselor in my area. My cheapskate side doesn't want to spend $150 to find out if someone is any good. I know of 3 or 4 bad ones, though. I am also planning to attend a new men's group that is starting at our church.

Also, my wife has a pastor friend in Oregon that is praying for us and has offered to visit us down here in California. I've offered to fly him down. He is willing to come. But so far my wife does not seem to be interested.

Brian

Actually Brian sticking w/your Pastor should be good.  The best advice for life you can find is in God's Word.  Should you have any questions on anything your Pastor should be more than equipped to help you.

I don't see any reason why you would need to part w/the money to a counselor it seems to me that you are heading in the right direction.

My thoughts in asking your daughter to pray is that it's a wonderful idea!  I would refrain from asking her to pray for specific issues you may have w/your wife.  I think you know that already though.  But asking her to pray for Mom's emotional, spiritual & physical health is good, to pray for Mom to be open to His guidance, etc is perfectly fine.

My husband asked our daughters to pray for me...he actually asked them to pray for us to be reconciled.  When our girls & I were praying together one night during our separation I asked them to say their own words of prayer...each one of them prayed for Mommy & Daddy fall in love again.  It sort of made me angry at the time, had God not had my attention it could have backfired...but in the end their prayers were answered.

My husband also asked me for a divorce & then changed his mind.  So we were in a similar situation.

Praying for you all.

God bless!

[chosenone]

I really think you need some legal advice, otherwise how will you know what is going on?. I still think that asking any young child to pray for their parents to reconcile is a REALLY bad and selfish idea, especially if the one doing the asking is the one who started it all off.
It may make her turn against her mum and blame her if you dont get back togather. She will have enough to cope with, without involving her in this way. Just tell her the truth, that you started it off and saw another women,but now you dont want the divorce but that her mum is hurt and does. then leave it to her as to if and how she prays.Dont manipulatre her in this way.

[Carwhisperer]

were answered.

My husband also asked me for a divorce & then changed his mind.  So we were in a similar situation.

Praying for you all.

God bless!

I am so glad to hear from someone that has been through this, especially from the woman's side! What did your husband do or not do that made you want to reconcile? What could he have done better once he changed his mind and wanted to reconcile? Can you give me more details about your story?

[LuvnHim]

In our case my DH didn't actually file for divorce.  He spent 6 months telling me he wanted a divorce & basically emotionally divorcing me.

Finally it was either lose my sanity or leave.  So I found a house to rent & our (at the time) 4 girls & I moved out.

I basically got to the point where I was ready to move on from our marriage.  I was just really, really drained by the whole thing.

About a week before I was scheduled to move my husband came to me & told me he changed his mind.  He agreed we should still separate but he said he did not want to divorce.

I had pretty much hardened my heart to him by that point.

He was very insistant.  At first I tried to reconcile with him even though I wasn't feeling it.  It didn't appear that he had made any changes in his life.  He just wanted us to go back to the way we were before he met the OW online & pretend none of it happened.

I couldn't do that.  I needed to know that our past wasn't our future.  I didn't see that happening so I told him I was moving on.

He would call me several times a day...at work, at home, in the middle of the night.  This big tough guy would cry like a baby begging me to give him another chance.  That really turned me off.  It felt like manipulation.

He'd follow me sometimes...watching me. 

A day went by where I didn't hear from him...then a whole weekend.  Then he showed up at my house to tell me that he had accepted Christ as Lord & Savior.  I was already a believer & was very excited about his news.  He excitedly told me about how it all came about...it was an answer to prayers.

That warmed my heart somewhat.

But he continued to be very overbearing...overwhelming.

Finally the guys in his bible study group told him he needed to leave me in God's hands & just get to his knees & humbly pray for our marriage.  Pray for change in his heart, my heart & to make us one in Him.  But they told him he was not letting go & letting God do his thing...they told him basically to hand the reins over to God.

He did & he left me alone.  He told me his plan, he stopped calling, stopped following me, stopped stopping by unexpectedly.  He stopped trying to force me to return to him basically. 

After about a week or two he then called me & asked me to go on a date with him one day.  I went...he was an amazing gentlemen.  There was no pressure about our marriage, it was just a beautiful relaxing & enjoyable date...dinner & a movie.

Another day he asked if he could have supper with us.  I told him that would be great.  He stopped by the house an hour before I was to be done w/work...he made an awesome tasty supper...taco salad...lol...w/all the fixings...I came home & the table was set by him, the girls were sitting at the table waiting for me.  I sat down & he served us our dinner...it was so sweet!

He cleaned up the kitchen w/the girls' help telling me to sit & relax & enjoy some alone time.  He then gave me a hug, said he loved me & he left.  I was blown away.

He basically went back to basics all the while praying & telling anyone & everyone to pray as well.  You can't imagine how many came to us after our reconciliaton to tell us how excited they were we made it...they had prayed. 

Just a warning.  It took a little while for my DH to get me to even go on a date with him.  I guess when I saw he was serious about backing off & giving me space to think & breath I finally went on a date with him.  He never got angry when I turned him down, didn't let his frustration show...he just said okay...I understand.  He'd wait a week sometimes two & then he'd ask again.

On the first date I was very impressed but I was still wary so I didn't show it.  I was still waiting to see if he was for real.  He'd done the up & down thing with me so many times over the years it was tough for me to let my guard down.

Change is something that is hard to fake.  I was waiting for a "facade" to show.  So I was tough on him...I was stiff, cold & wary at first.  I'm sure he got frustrated...I think we even argued once during that time...but for the most part God kept at my heart...and he stayed out of His way & drew on God's strength to not give up. 

We've had another daughter since reconciling 5 years ago.  God's brought my DH & I through a lot.  We still have battles but nothing we haven't been able to overcome with God's help.  Keeping God as the center is seriously important!

Praying you find your way Brian.

God bless...

[Carwhisperer]

Thank you very much. Your story is very helpful to me.

I have asked her on a few dates. Mostly I ask by voice mail. The only time I get to see her in person is at church, when we are doing the daughter exchange thing and soccer practice. None of these are conducive to any real conversation. I don't ask in person because I don't want to make her uncomfortable at these times. She doesn't answer my voicemail messages or emails. When I have gotten an answer it has been no.

How did you and your husband communicate during the separation? Would you answer the phone?

During our separation I did have romantic involvement with 2 other women. This was weeks after she had moved out. She does know this. I'm guessing this might be different than your situation.

During our marriage she had told me at various times that she could probably forgive an affair. I've asked her if she still could. She says she thinks that I did what I did thinking that she would just take me back. But that is not the case. I thought things were over for good before I moved on to having relations with other women. It was after that that I realized what a fool I was and sought reconciliation. I've told her this, too.

I am finding people to pray. I should keep trying to find more.

[LuvnHim]

Thank you very much. Your story is very helpful to me.

I have asked her on a few dates. Mostly I ask by voice mail. The only time I get to see her in person is at church, when we are doing the daughter exchange thing and soccer practice. None of these are conducive to any real conversation. I don't ask in person because I don't want to make her uncomfortable at these times. She doesn't answer my voicemail messages or emails. When I have gotten an answer it has been no.

How did you and your husband communicate during the separation? Would you answer the phone?

During our separation I did have romantic involvement with 2 other women. This was weeks after she had moved out. She does know this. I'm guessing this might be different than your situation.

During our marriage she had told me at various times that she could probably forgive an affair. I've asked her if she still could. She says she thinks that I did what I did thinking that she would just take me back. But that is not the case. I thought things were over for good before I moved on to having relations with other women. It was after that that I realized what a fool I was and sought reconciliation. I've told her this, too.

I am finding people to pray. I should keep trying to find more.

Did you at any point tell her that you thought it was over & that's why you saw the other two women?

Is it possible she thinks you are making excuses for those relationships?

Have you told her flat out that you were wrong, completely wrong & take full responsibility for your actions & that you desire to have her forgiveness?  Let her know regardless if you get back together or not your desire is that she will be able to forgive you for your hurtful actions.

My DH came right out & said something like...I don't know what the future brings for us, I pray it is reconciliation, but I need to take time to work on my heart so I can be the husband God wants me to be so I'm going to focus on that & leave you in God's capable hands.  I'll be praying for you, that you will heal from the hurt I have caused you, because no matter what happens to our marriage I want you to be whole & happy.
Of course I saw it as a ploy...but he did exactly that. 

It's possible your wife needs to hear from you that you are focusing on your heart. 

As a side note, know that whatever part she had in the break down of the marriage God is working out in her heart as well (it truly does take two, I had/have issues to work out in our marriage as well...as does she!).  So it's not like you are taking all the blame, you are just taking responsibility for your part & getting right with God.

Then let go of her.  Let her know you want reconciliation & would like to start all over, but that you are going to let her set the pace...ask her to contact you when she is ready.  Let her know you love her, you want the very best for her regardless what that is & that you are going to be faithfully working on your part in the marriage while she takes this time to figure things out.

Then leave her in God's hands.

And get yourself in His word daily.  Ask Him to reveal Himself to you & His plan for you.  Seek, seek, seek Him!

[Carwhisperer]

1. Did you at any point tell her that you thought it was over & that's why you saw the other two women?

2. Is it possible she thinks you are making excuses for those relationships?

3. Have you told her flat out that you were wrong, completely wrong & take full responsibility for your actions & that you desire to have her forgiveness?  Let her know regardless if you get back together or not your desire is that she will be able to forgive you for your hurtful actions.

Then leave her in God's hands.

And get yourself in His word daily.  Ask Him to reveal Himself to you & His plan for you.  Seek, seek, seek Him!

1. Yes.
2. She might,  but I don't think I am.
3. Yes

On Friday she got a flat tire. She called me instead of the tow truck. Yay! Of course I went and took care of it for her, even though I had to leave work (I was supervising a football game at the high school where I work).

While changing the tire I brought up getting her a new car again. She was open to it and we talked about that over the weekend a couple of times. On Sunday morning, on the advice of a Pastor Friend, I asked her what she would need to see before she could consider reconciliation. She said she would need to see 2 years of fruit in my life. She had said something like this a couple of months back. I said OK. I said that I would wait for her.

I'm hoping, praying and working toward my life producing fruit. Of course I'm hoping that 2 years will become 6 months or less and that she will stop the divorce in the meantime. Meanwhile, I'm working on being at peace with waiting while working on my relationship with God.

On a side note, I've found ( by hearing other's stories and my own experience) that asking for reconciliation for the sake of the children doesn't get you any where. I am immensely concerned about our 11 year old daughter in this. My belief is that just about any home with Mommy and Daddy is better than a broken home. That would be barring physical abuse, name calling, ongoing unfaithfulness, etc. I know she used to believe this as well. Why does it seem to be so poisonous to the conversation to mention the well being of the children? Shouldn't their well being be part of the conversation for a wife who loves her children? Doesn't God want to see families stay together partly because it is better for the kids?

[chosenone]

Its not always better for the kids though. My husbands parents marriage was unhappy, and all he can remember from his whole childhood was arguing and bikering and it affected him very deeply. They more or less lived seperate lives in the same house with seperate rooms.
Also his mother put all of her emotional needs on him, as the oldest son and he felt like her surrogate husnband. He would have been far happier and less badly affected if they have divorced when he was small instead of waiting till he was an adult.All he saw was a dysfunctional marriage and learnt nothing about what a godly marriage should be like(and his parents were Christians).
So it does vary. Sometimes it is better to be together for the children and sometimes not.

[LuvnHim]

On a side note, I've found ( by hearing other's stories and my own experience) that asking for reconciliation for the sake of the children doesn't get you any where. I am immensely concerned about our 11 year old daughter in this. My belief is that just about any home with Mommy and Daddy is better than a broken home. That would be barring physical abuse, name calling, ongoing unfaithfulness, etc. I know she used to believe this as well. Why does it seem to be so poisonous to the conversation to mention the well being of the children? Shouldn't their well being be part of the conversation for a wife who loves her children? Doesn't God want to see families stay together partly because it is better for the kids?

It is absolutely better for the kids for Mom & Dad to stay married.  Many years of statistics proves this to be true.  What would your daughter benefit from a divorce?  Nothing at all.

But let me ask you...what was your thought on that when you filed for divorce?  Did your wife bring that up?

I brought up our girls when my hubby asked for a divorce.  His response was that our girls were better off with happy parents than married parents.  Which was the total opposite of what he felt when he changed his mind. 

I genuinely worried about our girls growing up with a broken family...I'm a child of divorce & it has caused enormous problems throughout my life.  I didn't want that for our children. 

Personally I don't think you want to throw that on her at this point.  I think it would seriously backfire considering the situation.  Again you need to let go of her, your marriage & leave both at the foot of the cross.  Let the Lord work this out in your W's heart as you seek Him to work things out in your own heart.

[Carwhisperer]

He would have been far happier and less badly affected if they have divorced when he was small instead of waiting till he was an adult.

I don't see how you can know that. It is unknowable because he can't go back and try it. Even though I walked away from my marriage for a time I knew it was wrong and I knew it would be worse for my daughter. What I thought was that my wife needed some relief from our relationship and I was selfish. In fact, she needed relief because I was selfish.

It seems to me that breaking up a family is almost always (99% of the time) the worst case scenario.

[chosenone]

He would have been far happier and less badly affected if they have divorced when he was small instead of waiting till he was an adult.

I don't see how you can know that. It is unknowable because he can't go back and try it. Even though I walked away from my marriage for a time I knew it was wrong and I knew it would be worse for my daughter. What I thought was that my wife needed some relief from our relationship and I was selfish. In fact, she needed relief because I was selfish.

It seems to me that breaking up a family is almost always (99% of the time) the worst case scenario.

He says that he would have been better off.He went through it and he knows how badly it affected him being with two people who basically didnt want to be together but just did it for the children. He has a very poor relationship with his mother now after he became her 'surrogate' husband when he was a child.
Personally I would far rather be bought up by one happy parent than two unhappy parents with constant bickering, but that is my opinion.

Also my own children were far happier and far more relaxed when my ex husband left than they were while he was there, so that is another example.
Obviously the ideal is for every child to be in a good and godly two parent family with parents who model a good marriage and what it should be like, but to be bought up in a home full of arguments and contention isnt good for any child. They get a distorted and skewed picture of what a marriage should be, and often learn the same dysfunctional ways of living and coping and relating to others, which they have to unlearn later on.

[LuvnHim]

He would have been far happier and less badly affected if they have divorced when he was small instead of waiting till he was an adult.

I don't see how you can know that. It is unknowable because he can't go back and try it. Even though I walked away from my marriage for a time I knew it was wrong and I knew it would be worse for my daughter. What I thought was that my wife needed some relief from our relationship and I was selfish. In fact, she needed relief because I was selfish.

It seems to me that breaking up a family is almost always (99% of the time) the worst case scenario.

Personally, I believe that "happy" is so subjective it's not a reliable emotion.

What I mean by that is that I completely believe that God is more interested in our holiness than He is in our happiness.

Doing God's will does not mean we will always feel happy.

Make sense?

So I'm right w/you in that divorce is rarely if ever a good thing for children.

[Carwhisperer]

It is absolutely better for the kids for Mom & Dad to stay married.  Many years of statistics proves this to be true.  What would your daughter benefit from a divorce?  Nothing at all.

But let me ask you...what was your thought on that when you filed for divorce?  Did your wife bring that up?

I brought up our girls when my hubby asked for a divorce.  His response was that our girls were better off with happy parents than married parents.  Which was the total opposite of what he felt when he changed his mind. 

I genuinely worried about our girls growing up with a broken family...I'm a child of divorce & it has caused enormous problems throughout my life.  I didn't want that for our children. 

Personally I don't think you want to throw that on her at this point.  I think it would seriously backfire considering the situation.  Again you need to let go of her, your marriage & leave both at the foot of the cross.  Let the Lord work this out in your W's heart as you seek Him to work things out in your own heart.

Yes, I agree. I did turn my back on what was best for my daughter. I am a child of divorce also. I didn't realize it at the time but it has affected me a great deal. But I can't change the past. All I can do is work toward a better future for my family, which I believe involves reconciliation. I desperately want to break the cycle of divorce in this family. My wife's parents split up too, but it was after the kids were grown.