Facebook friends with old sex partner

[crazy4one]

I received a friend request from a girl I was friends with over 12 years ago. We did sleep together once, but we were just friends. I confirmed her as a friend and my wife noticed it. My wife is very upset and hurt and disrespected and can't believe I would confirm her as a friend. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, i have other ex-girlfriends that I'm still friends with and my wife hasn't been upset about them. it is just the fact that I have had sex with her before, she says.

I immediately told her I would remove her and that I was sorry. I went so far as to deleting my Facebook account. She will not let it go.

What do you think?

[Carwhisperer]

I think you did the right thing. I have had similar issues with my wife, but not until we were separated. My advice:

Do what she needs you to do about it to make her feel better. Then be gentle and understanding while giving her some time.

[larry2]

Your wife married a man that has absolutely no knowledge of women whatsoever.

[crazy4one]

Larry, Care to elaborate about not knowing anything about women? Oh, and to be helpful, suggest something that will help me.

Car, thanks

[larry2]

Larry, Care to elaborate about not knowing anything about women? Oh, and to be helpful, suggest something that will help me.

Hopefully the follow study I posted will help you with your wife's feelings. If you gain knowledge from this short study, there are four other parts of this Marriage Seminar.

Part 1 of 5      http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marriage-seminar-for-men-only-part-one/

Part 2 of 5      http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marriage-seminar-for-men-only-part-two/

Part 3 of 5      http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marriage-seminar-for-men-only-part-three/

Part 4 of 5      http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marriage-seminar-for-men-only-part-four/

Part 5 of 5      http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marriage-seminar-for-men-only-part-five/

[Carwhisperer]

Your wife married a man that has absolutely no knowledge of women whatsoever.

What's the point of saying something like this?

[larry2]

Your wife married a man that has absolutely no knowledge of women whatsoever.

What's the point of saying something like this?

More out of humor, but with truth included. I have never met a woman that wanted another woman that shared her husband around her, and that even includes those of former marriages. In those cases they are tolerated for the children's sake, but I don't see love lost when those ex-wives are not around. 

There are just some subjects better put to rest and never brought to mind again when you get married and past girlfriends are sure to be on top of the list. You do know we're not talking rocket science here don't you?

[crazy4one]

Thanks Larry for the sobering truth and the lessons. I realize more now what my wife was feeling when she saw I became friends with another women I had slept with. We've pretty much made up, but I know it will be some time before she is completely over it. In the meantime I am keeping facebook deactivated and going to focus more on making my wife feel like the only women on Earth I want to associate with. Thanks again

[Jimbob]

I received a friend request from a girl I was friends with over 12 years ago. We did sleep together once, but we were just friends. I confirmed her as a friend and my wife noticed it. My wife is very upset and hurt and disrespected and can't believe I would confirm her as a friend. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, i have other ex-girlfriends that I'm still friends with and my wife hasn't been upset about them. it is just the fact that I have had sex with her before, she says.

I immediately told her I would remove her and that I was sorry. I went so far as to deleting my Facebook account. She will not let it go.

What do you think?

I think cutting the tie was best.  I've known two couples now who've been affected by the same issue, one who did as you did and held together, the other (a former neighbor) who kept the connection and got into chatting and an eventual affair.  The spouse she cheated on committed suicide because of the affair. Extreme example, but real life.

[MZS]

Thanks Larry for the sobering truth and the lessons. I realize more now what my wife was feeling when she saw I became friends with another women I had slept with. We've pretty much made up, but I know it will be some time before she is completely over it. In the meantime I am keeping facebook deactivated and going to focus more on making my wife feel like the only women on Earth I want to associate with. Thanks again

Glad things are smoothed over.

As a general rule, remember to avoid doing anything or saying anything that even has the slightest look of impropriety to your wife. For example, an innocent phone call to another women for some business purpose is best done without your wife around (assuming it is 100% innocent of course). Don't give her any reason to suspect anything. I think this is what Larry was getting at.

[docbrown]

I have a question from a different angle, regarding this topic. I am currently with a woman who has a friend that she had before she came to Christ. This guy friend & her got drunk & had sex, she says it was just once, so I believe her. I have told her how uncomfortable it makes me that she is still friends with him, he has a key to her place, & is friends with all her family. Being that he is NOT a Christian, still drinks & parties (2 of her big strongholds before Christ), he is not good to remain friends with, especially since her & I are discussing marriage. She removed him from Facebook, but will not confront him about her key or that she will no longer be friends with him.
Am I wrong to ask her to do this? I am divorced, yet remained friends with my ex-wife. She was uncomfortable with it, so I immediately did so, explaining to my ex-wife(Currently engaged) & she understood, therefore we severed ties. I'm not asking because I gave up my ex, I am asking her because it is a bad tie to her past.
I have prayed & whenever the issue comes up, it has started HUGE fights. Any godly advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel lost here & at a point where I am willing to look at staying single the rest of my life, because I love this woman & her child SO much, I can't imagine NOT having them in my life.
Thanks for anything you can offer.

[anx]

It sounds like you both have baggage from the past, which is only going to make issues going forward.

I think its reasonable to ask her to get back the key if she doesn't need him to have it. However, having her stop contact with her friend is probably seen by her as controlling. In a christian life, we don't need to give up or stop contact with unbelieving friends, coworkers, or whatever else. You are going to be uncomfortable with her friend because they had sex, but it sounds like it might have not been a romantic or sexual relationship in general. If he as a friend and they had sex once, she probably doesn't see him as more than a friend.

Telling a spousethey need to stop being friends with someone is dangerous territory. You understand why you want her to stop talking to this man, but I don't think asking or telling her to stop contact will do anything but cause fights over and over.

If this is a make or break issues with a woman you are seriously considering being with the rest of your life, talk to a counselor or pastor with her. Be ready to accept either outcome. One of you has to move on this issue. Can you be OK with this man as her friend? If not, is it worth losing her over not having your way on this issue? That may be the outcome of this.

Given your thoughts on this, I wonder what happened to your first marriage. Why are you divorced from your first wife? This seems like an issue that could be big, but not relationship ending or considering a life alone if she doesn't cut contact. The fact you gave up your relationship with your ex and are requiring her (or there are huge fights and you'll live alone the rest of your life) to give up her friend seems like a big red flag to me. It seems very manipulative or controlling. I don't think you see it as that, but I highly suspect that she does.

Is this issue worth ending the relationship over? The path you are headed down says yes. Decide if you can live with this man as her friend. If you can, then stop the fights. If not, then be prepared for her to say she is unwilling to cut contact and end the your relationship with this woman. If you continue on this path, the fights will kill the relationship. Otherwise go see a pastor or counselor.

In terms of Godly advise, she doesn't need to give up this friendship. You may need to give up your end of this.

Blessings.

[JohnDB]

Docbrown,

I can understand your reservation on this issue.

And if she doesn't give him up then you need to give her up.

If her confronting him is the root issue then simply change the locks. (A non confrontational of fixing the issue) but if she goes that route a regular look at her cell phone & electronic messenging mediums is going to be required for months & years into the future to ameliorate your concerns.

[anx]

Depending on the woman you are seeing and her sensitivities, I would tread carefully. This is already an big issue between you guys.

Changing the locks is a passive aggressive way to get past the key issue, and checking up on her cell phone and messaging is something a lot of people aren't comfortable with. Both seem like solutions that could cause more issues or fights.

I would strongly consider being ok with this man in her life and asking that she understand and be sensitive to why you are concerned about him. I think requiring that this man no longer is her friend isn't a smart move.

The sex she had with this man was when she was still not a believer and it was once and drunken. It doesn't sound like they dated. I would accept and forgive her for her past and focus on the future.

Blessings

[chosenone]

doc brown
I find it utterley strange that she expected you to stop contact wiith your ex and yet she wont do the same with her ex boyfriend. Him having her key is bizarre quite honestly. What happens if you marry? Will he still have the key? In my opinion, keeping contact with ex spouses or boy/girlfriends isnt a good idea unless there are small children involved. My husband doesnt see his ex and I dont see mine. Why would we need to? That is past. The only time that we will see her is at their sons weddings, if they marry.
You have to ask yourself why this is so important to her that she is risking loosing you over it.

[asachild]

have a question from a different angle, regarding this topic. I am currently with a woman who has a friend that she had before she came to Christ. This guy friend & her got drunk & had sex, she says it was just once, so I believe her. I have told her how uncomfortable it makes me that she is still friends with him, he has a key to her place, & is friends with all her family. Being that he is NOT a Christian, still drinks & parties (2 of her big strongholds before Christ), he is not good to remain friends with, especially since her & I are discussing marriage. She removed him from Facebook, but will not confront him about her key or that she will no longer be friends with him.
Am I wrong to ask her to do this? I am divorced, yet remained friends with my ex-wife. She was uncomfortable with it, so I immediately did so, explaining to my ex-wife(Currently engaged) & she understood, therefore we severed ties. I'm not asking because I gave up my ex, I am asking her because it is a bad tie to her past.
I have prayed & whenever the issue comes up, it has started HUGE fights. Any godly advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel lost here & at a point where I am willing to look at staying single the rest of my life, because I love this woman & her child SO much, I can't imagine NOT having them in my life.
Thanks for anything you can offer.

In my opinion, it is a deal breaker.

It is an indication of the inability or the unwillingness to establish boundaries on behalf of the relationship.

It is an indication of the inability or the unwillingness to protect the unity of the relationship.

It is an indication of the inability or the unwillingness to reason with one another in regards to relational issues.

To continue in the relationship as it stands is to willingly submit yourself to future devastation as your commitment to the relationship is higher than is hers.

If you stop and think about it, the idea that a former sexual partner and party bud is being allowed continuing access to the detriment of the relationship is totally ungodly.  It reminds me of Balaam, the children of Israel and the dancing Moabite women.  It did not end well. 

Regards,
AsAChild

[marcella]

Cause it's FUNNY.. So like a women. I know cause I am one. Your wife is insecure just like 99% of us.. Just bring home some flowers telling her she is the BEST in everything and that you are soooo Thankful that (your wife) married you. GO OVER BOARD Bigtime. Even if she says OK OK enough compliments.. Keep doing it everyday until she relaxes Give her so much attention that she cant help feel Loved..

[Birdy]

Docbrown,

I can understand your reservation on this issue.

And if she doesn't give him up then you need to give her up.

If her confronting him is the root issue then simply change the locks. (A non confrontational of fixing the issue) but if she goes that route a regular look at her cell phone & electronic messenging mediums is going to be required for months & years into the future to ameliorate your concerns.

That would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. I have plenty of male friends and anything I did in my past before I met hubby is in the past. I am fb friends with former boyfriend and he has a former girlfriend on his. The real issue here is trust. I trust my husband  and he trusts me. That is all there is to it.  Even though I have abslolutely nothign to hide I would not tolerate my husband demanding to look through my email and phone on a regular basis just to be sure.

I would however make it a fair play situation. If you are not allowed to be friends with your ex than she should be willing to give up her formers too if you are uncomfortable.  I would recommend that you both work on the trust issue.

[Bitter Sweet]

This discussion just sounds so bizarre to me. Thank God I don't even have to think about things like this, sounds so senseless. I can't believe these are issues for Christians.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

[JohnDB70X7]

I received a friend request from a girl I was friends with over 12 years ago. We did sleep together once, but we were just friends. I confirmed her as a friend and my wife noticed it. My wife is very upset and hurt and disrespected and can't believe I would confirm her as a friend. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, i have other ex-girlfriends that I'm still friends with and my wife hasn't been upset about them. it is just the fact that I have had sex with her before, she says.

I immediately told her I would remove her and that I was sorry. I went so far as to deleting my Facebook account. She will not let it go.

What do you think?

Dude... what were you thinking?

And I'd advise you to loose the female friends (especially the past girlfriends).

You are married now.