A new relationship

[fcadcock]

I recently started dating a young woman I met at church and while things are going well so far, there are some things that worry me about the future of this relationship.

I am a 29 year old male with a pretty hairy past.  I was raised "culturally christian,"  I went to church as a kid, but fell away just as soon as I had the option.  As a teen and well into my 20's my relationships with women were very physical and I slept with more than just a few of the women I dated.  I spent much of my late teens and the first few years of my 20's  experimenting with drugs, only stopping when I joined the military at 23 to get away from a girlfriend who had aborted our child without my knowledge.  After my military service I married a woman who cheated on me, leading to divorce.  A little over two years ago I met a nice girl and began going to church with her.  That relationship didn't last, but my love for God did.  Last year, I found a new church near my home and have become very involved.  Thanks to owning my company, my work schedule allows me to volunteer much of my time to the church.  I can faithfully say that my life now is better in every way than it was before I came back to God.

She is a 23 year old young woman who serves with me on a couple of church teams.  She was raised in the church and home schooled before going to a christian college.  Now she's an english teacher who is also very involved in our church.  She had never been on a date before I asked her out last month.

Because of her sheltered upbringing and inexperience with dating, we are being intentionally slow and deliberate in dating.  We've gone out for coffee, we've gone out to dinner, and we've gone to the ballet a couple of times (don't laugh, there's a local Christian ballet company here and many of the dancers are friends of ours through church.  I get free tickets for helping set up their stages and sets) and we see each other a couple of days a week at church services and church meetings.

Last week we were invited to a bible study by a friend of mine at a different church that we both really enjoyed.  Tonight when we were talking about plans for Valentines Day, she mentioned that she would like to go back to this study after dinner on Thursday. (seriously, that may be the single coolest thing any woman has ever said to me!)

I haven't met her parents yet, they live in a different state, but they know of me and we've had a few interactions on facebook.  They seem ok with me dating their daughter and are nice people who raised four great children.

I'm really worried about this relationship though.  I'm scared that my past will end up coming back to haunt this relationship in some way.  She's aware of my past, we've talked about it.  We've talked about the tattoos that cover my arms and she seems ok with them.  She's even seen me without a beard and didn't run away (although we both agree I look better with it)  But I still have serious doubts about being good enough for her.

Women, what are your thoughts?  Would you be ok with dating a guy who had walked away from such a shady past?  Would that past be something that was constantly in your mind that you couldn't get over? 

[chosenone]

As long as you are being honest and open about your past, and she isnt worried about it, then why are you?.

[k-pappy]

She's aware of my past, we've talked about it.  We've talked about the tattoos that cover my arms and she seems ok with them.  She's even seen me without a beard and didn't run away (although we both agree I look better with it)  But I still have serious doubts about being good enough for her.

This is the part that stuck out at me...if you have discussed your past and she is aware of it and accepts you anyway, then you have nothing to worry about.

Just my 2 cents...

Bond

[fcadcock]

As long as you are being honest and open about your past, and she isnt worried about it, then why are you?.

Because I was there for it?  Shame is a huge issue when I look back on my past and while I know it's not something I should feel, as that past has been forgiven and is no longer part of my life, that shame is still there.  Any time I meet a girl that isn't just as broken as me, I don't feel like I'm good enough and that she deserves better, and this girl is completely out of my league in that respect. 

[chosenone]

As long as you are being honest and open about your past, and she isnt worried about it, then why are you?.

Because I was there for it?  Shame is a huge issue when I look back on my past and while I know it's not something I should feel, as that past has been forgiven and is no longer part of my life, that shame is still there.  Any time I meet a girl that isn't just as broken as me, I don't feel like I'm good enough and that she deserves better, and this girl is completely out of my league in that respect. 

I can understand that totally, but you are believing lies. Once you were forgiven, you were wiped clean and God gave you a fresh start and new beginning. The shame isnt from God.
If this girl is the one for you,(and it is very early days yet) then she will be able to look past what you didnt or didnt do in the past. The main thing is that you be honest about it all. Presumably she knows that you have been divorced?
I heard a while back about a pastor who married a lady who had been a prostitute, so he was clearly able to accept her past and the countless men she must have had sex with, and she must have realised that she was forgiven and make clean.

[JohnDB]

She is fragile and precious. So look out for her in ways she can't perceive.

Neither one of you is a kid. Both of you are adults and responsible for your own decisions.

Just be a gentleman and all is good. 

[fcadcock]

Chosen, yeah, she knows I am divorced.

John, I do look out of her.  One of my most frequent prayers since starting to date her has been to ask the lord to keep her safe and to keep our relationship centered on Him instead of on us,

[JohnDB]

I wasn't accusing. Just a simple reminder and stating the obvious.

The way you are treating her and your relationship with her as HOLY is exactly what you are supposed to do.

God gives his kids good gifts at times that seem way more gooder than we deserve. Right at the limit of what we can handle. Just grin like an idiot and enjoy her company.

(Not saying you are an idiot either)

[fcadcock]

I didn't think you were accusing me of anything.

Also, I am an idiot...  I know this... 

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

Frankly, if you've got "bad boy" appeal, then that's probably a plus for her, not a minus.  If tattoos and a beard were offputting to her, the relationship wouldn't have started in the first place.  Having a checkered past may be seen as "experience" or "street cred" and may be viewed as an attractive trait, as well.  Standards for men and women are soooooo different.

This doesn't mean you should play the role of bad boy, but just be yourself.  That is, after all, what she was attracted to in the first place.  Don't try to make yourself a milktoast.

Jarrod

[fcadcock]

Frankly, if you've got "bad boy" appeal, then that's probably a plus for her, not a minus.

That's always been a problem for me...  Most girls, in my experience, want to date a "bad boy" because they have issues with their father.  They date those guys hoping it will make dad angry just as he has made them angry.  That's a pretty horrible reason to date someone, and as the guy who's been "that guy" many times before, it's not much fun to know that someone is dating you, not for who you are, but for the effect you will have on someone outside of the relationship.

Thankfully, nothing in this relationship so far points to any trouble between her and her father, or any reason that she is dating me other than she actually likes me.  I got to meet her sister last weekend and will be meeting her parents this weekend while they are in town visiting their daughters. (they live in the next state over)

[Alan]

Well, if we are to believe that our partners are appointed from God, then we need to pray to our Father that if it is His will to have this person in your life as your partner to show you. He will reveal His will.

[chosenone]

In my experience few Christian women actually want the 'bad boy' type man. It may be more true in the world but not in the church. One or two may date such a guy, but few want to marry them. I really dont think this is why she is dating you.

[fcadcock]

Nor do I.  I may have the beard, I may have the tattoos, and I may have a past that includes all sorts of crazy things; but she knows none of those things in the past are who I am now.  The problem I have now is accepting that who I am now deserves someone like her because of who I was then.

[chosenone]

Nor do I.  I may have the beard, I may have the tattoos, and I may have a past that includes all sorts of crazy things; but she knows none of those things in the past are who I am now.  The problem I have now is accepting that who I am now deserves someone like her because of who I was then.

Yes the issue is that you cant accept yourself so you dont see how others can accept you. Your past is wiped away, you are clean as if you have never sinned. Every time you think these thoughts, take a Bible verse that talks about this and say it out loud. For example, 'I am no longer under condemnation.' Replace the negtive with Gods word. 

[Truthlady5]

I recently started dating a young woman I met at church and while things are going well so far, there are some things that worry me about the future of this relationship.

I am a 29 year old male with a pretty hairy past.  I was raised "culturally christian,"  I went to church as a kid, but fell away just as soon as I had the option.  As a teen and well into my 20's my relationships with women were very physical and I slept with more than just a few of the women I dated.  I spent much of my late teens and the first few years of my 20's  experimenting with drugs, only stopping when I joined the military at 23 to get away from a girlfriend who had aborted our child without my knowledge.  After my military service I married a woman who cheated on me, leading to divorce.  A little over two years ago I met a nice girl and began going to church with her.  That relationship didn't last, but my love for God did.  Last year, I found a new church near my home and have become very involved.  Thanks to owning my company, my work schedule allows me to volunteer much of my time to the church.  I can faithfully say that my life now is better in every way than it was before I came back to God.

She is a 23 year old young woman who serves with me on a couple of church teams.  She was raised in the church and home schooled before going to a christian college.  Now she's an english teacher who is also very involved in our church.  She had never been on a date before I asked her out last month.

Because of her sheltered upbringing and inexperience with dating, we are being intentionally slow and deliberate in dating.  We've gone out for coffee, we've gone out to dinner, and we've gone to the ballet a couple of times (don't laugh, there's a local Christian ballet company here and many of the dancers are friends of ours through church.  I get free tickets for helping set up their stages and sets) and we see each other a couple of days a week at church services and church meetings.

Last week we were invited to a bible study by a friend of mine at a different church that we both really enjoyed.  Tonight when we were talking about plans for Valentines Day, she mentioned that she would like to go back to this study after dinner on Thursday. (seriously, that may be the single coolest thing any woman has ever said to me!)

I haven't met her parents yet, they live in a different state, but they know of me and we've had a few interactions on facebook.  They seem ok with me dating their daughter and are nice people who raised four great children.

I'm really worried about this relationship though.  I'm scared that my past will end up coming back to haunt this relationship in some way.  She's aware of my past, we've talked about it.  We've talked about the tattoos that cover my arms and she seems ok with them.  She's even seen me without a beard and didn't run away (although we both agree I look better with it)  But I still have serious doubts about being good enough for her.

Women, what are your thoughts?  Would you be ok with dating a guy who had walked away from such a shady past?  Would that past be something that was constantly in your mind that you couldn't get over?

A man's past would certainly be in my mind. But I wouldn't say his past would stop me from getting involved or marring him. If I saw that God has changed his life and he is doing everything he can with God's help to be a better person I would think maybe a relationship could be a good thing.  I met a man who told me of his past and it was terrible, thing is this man was now Older and seemed not to know he need God to help him make steps to change, you can want to change your lifestyle but Men need help from God to change inside then out.  I only went out with this man one time, although he says he was seeking a wife, he was not Right one for me, with the way his thoughts on things were. He had been married before and it crashed years ago.  I just prayed for him, God makes a change in him, for himself, not for me to date him or anything.