9 years married and want to get a divorce

[MeMyself]

  He obviously loves you, but is so broken, he doesn't know how to show it. 

I think we must be careful in speaking for this man, saying how he obviously loves her but "he doesn't know how to show it."

I have a friend who was raised by an extremely cold and verbally abusive father. The father never encouraged his son - only belittled him and was cruel in his remarks to his son. The only time the father wasn't neglecting the son, he was belittling him. My friend's mother would tell him from time to time, "Your father loves you - he just doesn't know how to show it." Needless to say, the boy grew into a man who has a very difficult time with relationships and gravitates towards those who treat him cruelly - thinking these people love him or respect him, but just don't know how to show it.

If ImMe's husband was giving her steak knives for Christmas instead of a bracelet, and she was upset about it. I might tell her something like, "He loves you, but just doesn't know how to show it." If he treated her with respect, but could never offer sweet, romantic words she longed to hear - again...I might tell her, "He loves you, but just doesn't know how to show it." If she says she wants to go to the movies, but her hubby says he'd rather take her golfing, and they have words over it, I might say he loves her but doesn't know how to show it.  But from ImMe's description he has spent their marriage "degrading" her. Degrading is a powerful word and a very powerful weapon.  When she begged for love and encouragement, he said, "no." To hold a wife in such contempt is not love at all. This constant degrading is as serious as it gets in a marriage relationship. No wonder her heart is hardened. 
I don't know why her husband is now promising to do better. I don't know how he can belittle and degrade her for years with her begging him to stop and asking for love and encouragement, then when she says she's through with it, he's all ready to work on it. Is it just more selfishness on his part? Maybe he's not afraid of losing his beloved wife (the one he's degraded for years, with her begging him for love), but more like he's afraid of losing his punching bag. Only he and God know the answer to that, and evidently her heart is so hardened, she doesn't care to find out.

Well, if I am in error let it be to believe the best of a man who is not here to give his side.  There are two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle the truth lies.  I believe the best of her as well, and even told her I could understand her feelings as I have been there.  We are, however, called as Christians NOT to let our feelings rule our decisions.

I know in my marriage, that sounded VERY much like hers, I told myself 'he doesn't love us'. I convinced myself of it actually and was ready to roll out of there, so sick of it was I.  But, God kept calling me back to the vows I made, especially the part of "For better or worse". I told Him, "Ok, well, we've had a lot of worse, I'd like just a hint of better..and I SURE hope you are pressing on his heart as well, here, Father."  I knew I was sick of it, had cried, plead, begged, threatened and prayed until the words ran out...and still God challenged me that one more try wouldn't hurt.  I did not want Him to keep reminding me to have hope! 

Then we went to counseling and I saw his wall of protection slip and realized that he DID love us, but was broken and wounded and had no healthy way of showing it.  To love others was to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable was to be in danger...so he "got us before we got him".

He has learned to do better, be better, trust us, let his guard down and love us in healthy ways...and I will continue to encourage this marriage to give STRONG boundaries of what is and is NOT acceptable, but also, be humble in allowing for growth (painful as it is in the process)

[Man_Of_Honor]

Well stated, MMS!

[chosenone]

I was committed to God above all things and married a man who invested a lot of time in lying to me to win me over. He kept secrets and cheated and took money from me. I did everything i could the best i knew how without any example to follow. I had lost so much and was tired of being hurt (as was he). I had been seeking God, and He revealed to me that i had been taking on his role and controlling too much because i was afraid. He took my statements as demeaning criticism. It was all an error in communication.  I repented and was ready for a new start with God's blessing. He left me with a newborn to be with another man's wife. My heart was right, but my behavior wasn't...his heart wasn't right. He and she both believe they are doing what's right and truly blessed. However, God hates divorce and adulterers don't inherit the kingdom--by NT definition, remarriage is adultery. Paul says to agree to separate and give yourselves to fasting and prayer...to remain as you are to be reconciled. God's children will hear His word--the world rejects it. Jesus said those who love Him keep His commands and love is also defined. If your heart is too hard to receive from God, then you need to look to the cross and humble yourself. People mean well, but what does God say? He is the ultimate judge. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your steps. He is always on time & always faithful, but our haste causes error and delays (even "Ishmaels" )

God does hate it when people leave their spouses for another of course, but sins can be forgiven if they repent. If they are still convinced that they did the right thing when they clearly didn't, then they havent  yet repented. I would also doubt they are believers, if they claim to be that is.
IF they both repented and were determined to change and follow God, He would forgive them and they could be blessed from then on. 

chosenone, are you saying that the 2nd marriage (rejectedbride's husband and his second wife) will be ok in God's eyes if they repent?

I dont believe that God would ever want to us to destroy yet another marriage, especially if there are children, if we repent we are forgiven. So yes personally I do believe that if they are repentant they are right to remain married, and as long as they follow God and dedicate their marriage to God, I cant see why they shouldnt remain married. Two wrongs dont make a right do they.

However in the sad case of rejectedbrides ex husband and his wife, being that they still think they did the right thing, they are still deluding themselves, and God hasn't dealt with them yet. They haven't admitted to their terrible sin and haven't repented. I dont see how God can possibly bless their marriage till they do. 

[MeMyself]

Well stated, MMS!

Thank you very much, MoH!

[Liv]

If he has moved away and is living his own life, why are you still legally married??

1 Corinthians 7:15-16
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (NIV)

Has he been unfaithful during any part of then nine years of marriage??

What are biblical reasons or grounds for divorce?

"The Bible suggests that "marital unfaithfulness" is the only scriptural reason that warrants God's permission for divorce and remarriage. Many different interpretations exist among Christian teachings as to the exact definition of "marital unfaithfulness." The Greek word for marital unfaithfulness found in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9 translates to mean any form of sexual immorality including adultery, prostitution, fornication, pornography, and incest. Since the sexual union is such a crucial part of the marriage covenant, breaking that bond seems to be a permissible, biblical grounds for divorce." [http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/a/divorceremarria.htm]