The Pain of Loneliness

[Rella]

The pain of loneliness is very real especially when the loneliness is to be permanent in ones life.

They say to count it all joy when you face trials and tribulations.
Indeed that is almost a commandment when you take into the various scriptures admonishing us to do such.

But how can one count it all joy when their entire life, starting back as far as one can remember and 60 some odd years later,  there has been only trials and tribulations in ones life.

When I was about 7 years old I knew that I would not be able to marry.

I am sure you are wondering first why a 7 year old would even have marriage on the mind but I was a product of the "Father Knows Best" era and those people on that type of show portrayed the life I knew I wanted but came to know that I would never have.

Yes, that was all Hollywood hype, but as a child I did not know that.

I was abused as a child and also into adulthood, by my dad, and also
in a much smaller way by my birth mom. Not in a physical way but in a very controlling manner and be it by design or by accident it became impossible for me to ever have a "life of my own."

I only know and remember how important it was for me to make my dad
proud of me. In fact I do not think he ever was. The closest thing to that was his telling me a few weeks before he died that I had been a very fine daughter.
I had waited all my life to hear words like that but it cost me. It cost me a life.

30 years after my understanding that I would never marry at the age of 7 it became certain it would never happen so I threw myself into growing closer to God as best as I could.

In fact, it was myself that actually got my dad , and adopted mom... birth mom died when I was in my teens and dad remarried... to turn to Jesus and accept him in a true born again way.

I am not patting my self on the back just stating a fact... I was living the life as best as I could and it rubbed off....

And now another 30 years have gone by and I know that I will be dieing alone, in the hands of strangers, when my time comes.

I have faced roadblocks every step of the way in my search for a mate my entire life and prayer has been  answered by silence.

I have faced roadblocks every step of the way in actually living my life, and even the 24 years that I was trying to grow closer to Him.

There is so much more to this lifetime saga of mine that I wont bore you with...

A few years ago, after the death of my dad, I decided that just maybe I
would be able to find God's mate for me so I would not grow old alone.

It had been in my mind all along that the very reason, the only reason, that I was alone was because of my dad and with him gone that should clear the path...

But I was wrong again because after much prayer and much searching it is just an  apparent fact that God wants me to be alone.

A fate that that I am finally resigned to.

Am I bitter?  Yes, I will admit to that. Bitter and depressed .

To have waited all my life for a mate , not to mention the absence of children in my life has me questioning if this is punishment for my own sins or those of my father's back unto the third or fourth generation.

It is what it is.... And it stops with me as I am the end of the line.

But make no mistake....

When you are all alone with no siblings or family that matters... and your friends stand off because you are single and they all have their spouses,  not only are you all alone, but also very lonely.

Even in a crowd because there are those times that even though Jesus is always with you you just need real arms wrapped around, holding you close, by someone who truly cares.....

You married people reading this cannot possibly know the feeling I am
talking about....

That is the feeling of loneliness that truly hurts, especially when it cannot be fixed.

Apparently, God does want some people to go through this and at times is just unbearable....

So I will close with one question that I really don't expect a good answer for...

How can I count this all joy when this has been my entire life?

[Helen]

Dear Lady,

You cannot 'throw yourself in' to being born again. It is something Christ does FOR you when you give yourself to Him. 

The joy and the peace that you get after that are gifts from Him.  They cannot be 'earned' or given in any way by the world or your life's condition.  They are gifts from God.

I am not a youngster saying this.  I am 65 and have been through some tremendous heartbreak and very difficult times as well. 

But knowing God is in charge of it all does give me peace.  And His indwelling Spirit does give me joy.  They are gifts.

And yes, loneliness is hard.  But there are lots of lonely people in the world and you can reach out in any number of ways to relieve both your loneliness and theirs.

[chosenone]

Rella

Our lives are often a product of what we say and believe and declare about ourselves. You declared that you would never get married when you were only 7, for whatever reason, and that is what has happened. Why did you expect any different when you have told yourself that all your life? You have also allowed your parents to control you and lay a claim on you when you didn't need to.

I know a lady whose father abused her as a child, and she made the decision in her 20's that she wasn't going to let it ruin the rest of her life, and now in her early 30's and she is getting on with her life. She never sees her father, and never wants to. She has forgiven him, but he has no place in her life. She has a job she loves, is training to be a counsellor, has many friends, an active social life, and is completely independent.

Its good that your parents were saved of course,  but once you got to adulthood, you were always free to leave and be independent, as young adults are supposed to do, but you choose not to. No one can control you unless you let them. I don't know why you stayed with this dysfunctional pair, I wish you hadnt. If it had been me I would have got out as soon as I was able to support myself.

So now you are 60( from what you said) and your parents have died, and so you are alone.

Firstly I think you need to change the way you speak and think about yourself and your life. Begin to speak positive Bible verses out and pray the word.   Dont allow yourself to say or think negative things ever again. Words are so important.

Secondly, what are you doing to meet people? Are you involved in church activities? Do you volunteers for any charities? Belong to groups? Have hobbies? Work? Maybe part time? Interests that you can share with others?  I don't know about where you live, but where I live there are so many opportunities for people of your age to do things and be busy and active if you really look into it and investigate.

As for a man, well my aunt married the love of her life when she was 60, so it does happen, but as you know there is as shortage of older Christian guys of that age. However what have you done to meet a guy? Are you sitting there waiting for him to come knocking on your door? Are you going anywhere where you may meet someone? Believe me it often doesn't just happen, and I actually met my husband on a Christian dating site 9 years ago. I know about 6 other Christian couples who met this way, and 1/4 of all relationships now begin through the internet. I am a great believer in being proactive. If I hadn't gone on line I expect I would still be alone. We were age 48 and 49 when we married.

At 60 you still have so much of life ahead, so don't allow the next 20 years to pass you by like the last 60, and get out there and make changes and positive steps to lead a full and active life. If you meet a guy then brilliant, but if you don't, there are many older Christian ladies out there who are also alone. So get together and do things together. Plan outings and activities. Charities and ministries are desperate for volunteers. They would welcome you with open arms. Start a group at your church for older single, divorced or widowed people. Have social events together. 

I feel you are blaming God for what your parents did, and for the fact that you choose not to live an independent life of your own. Also for the fact that you decided yourself that you would never marry. Its was your decision and not His. We can curse our lives by saying things like that. Tell God you are sorry for those words, and ask Him to break the power of all the many negative words you have spoken over your life and for all the negative words your parents spoke over you life.  Don't let the past keep you bound, break free and get out there and live.
I also feel you need to forgive your parents and God and yourself. Forgiveness opens the door to healing and to a new life.

The choice is yours now to change things or to let them carry on the same way. What are you going to do? . If you need a little help and encouragement, maybe find a good Christian counsellor to help you on your way and to help you to understand why and how you must change what you think and say about your life, and life in general.  Get into the Bible and see what God says about you.
I would also recommend that you also begin to listen regularly to Joyce Meyer. She was terribly sexually and emotionally and physically abused by her father all her childhood, and she has a lot of very helpful things to say about what she has learnt.

[dotterofzion]

Rella,
Do not be discouraged, do you know that many are going through similar problems too? l think you should hold on to the fact that 'God loves you' and because of this all that should matter to you, is not how you die, but being with Him in heaven.
        I also think what makes loneliness worse is when you do not feel needed by anyone. You can fill this void by volunteering. Try joining a group or society in your church. Do you love children? then teach in sunday school, do you like music? then join the choir. Learn to use your time and talent for God and He will reward you with joy, peace and abundant life.
     You are not too old at 60, forgive your parents and move on with your life.

[itsajourney]

Rella,

I can feel your pain and disappointment.  Although my experiences and potholes in life have been different, I have at times experienced the lonliness you speak of and have asked the same question at times.  And for those that have not been there truly consider yourselves blessed...its dark and awful.   Rella, I gonna start from the clinical side of things.  As this appears to be a burden carried throughout your life, have you ever been in therapy?  Have you ever been evaluated as someone that could benefit from medication, behavioral and cognitive theraphy etc. ?  If you haven't or if you didn't stayed with it very long in the past I suggest you start there.  You have some very deep wounds....all of which can be healed but I think you need help from both God and professionals.   God is helping you every step of the way, but just as you have reached out to this forum for support he needs you to keep taking steps in the right direction.  I'll give ya an example.  I am suffering from a broken heart (and a lot of frustration) and I know to turn it all over to him and I have.  Now does that magically take all the pain away and make me all smiles and happy...negative.  I still hurt, cry, kick, scream, loose sleep etc.  BUT I know he is there for me and is working on me and if nothing else it gives me a sense of peace and hope.  I try and keep my eyes open for opportunities and blessings in the most unexpected places.  A coffee paid for at Wawa, a lovely conversation with a complete stranger at Foodlion,  giving a lift to a handicap woman because it was raining (and this ladie's life was a country song...whew, but she was cool and trust me when I say her life makes ours look like a fairy tale).  This is your life.  It's only a blip in comparison to what God has waiting for us (although it doesn't feel like it....we can't comprehend God's clock) but we need to make the best of that blip.  You need to make the choice.  You can choose to live your best life or not.  I can't predict what that best life is but just start...one minute at a time, one hour, then one day.  Share all your joy and thank God for each step of progress and if you slip, then let him hold you up and guide you.  You are worthy of his love and the love of friends and the love of a mate.

[DaveW]

First off - repent and RENOUNCE in the name of JESUS that decision at age 7 to not marry.

I made a similar decision at a similar age for very different reasons that were no less painful and sinful. (multiple generations of divorces and abandonments on both sides) However God had different plans and spoke to me in an audible voice while in college.  I had to renounce that decision on the spot or risk being in open rebellion to what He told me.

Childhood vows are powerful things. They can rule our lives if we let them.  And if they are not in line with God's path for us, they can seriously impede our walk.  I believe your current pain and frustration are the fruit of a decision that was NOT God's will for you. (but He does not force us to obey Him)

[chosenone]

First off - repent and RENOUNCE in the name of JESUS that decision at age 7 to not marry.

I made a similar decision at a similar age for very different reasons that were no less painful and sinful. (multiple generations of divorces and abandonments on both sides) However God had different plans and spoke to me in an audible voice while in college.  I had to renounce that decision on the spot or risk being in open rebellion to what He told me.

Childhood vows are powerful things. They can rule our lives if we let them.  And if they are not in line with God's path for us, they can seriously impede our walk.  I believe your current pain and frustration are the fruit of a decision that was NOT God's will for you. (but He does not force us to obey Him)

Amen. We can curse ourselves with our words.

[JohnDB]

You ladies need to re-read the post...You have missed the point of it.

[itsajourney]

Hey John DB, what are your thoughts?  You seem to be picking up on something we missed.   

[chosenone]

Just re read it John, and cant see what has been missed. I hear a sad and rather lonely and bitter lady who has made many ungodly pronouncements on herself since the age of 7, and who has allowed her parents to manipulate and control her all their lives, thus adding to the misery of the damaging pronouncements.  Dave said the same about the things we say over our lives and how damaging they can be. 

How about you answer the bits that you think we have missed, and the lady can take what advise she sees as helpful.

[JohnDB]

She's happily married to a nice husband...

[itsajourney]

ok.. i re-read and didnt get that at all.  huh?

[chosenone]

She's happily married to a nice husband...

If you mean she is married to Jesus then OK, but she isn't married to a guy, and sounds anything but happy. In fact she says herself that she is "bitter and depressed".

[Rella]

Okay,

Need to make some comments here about several things that many of you have posted.

BTW, I do thank you all, and I do realize that without a complete picture you cannot know how I got to where I am.

Chosenone you said ....

You declared that you would never get married when you were only 7, for whatever reason, and that is what has happened. Why did you expect any different when you have told yourself that all your life? You have also allowed your parents to control you and lay a claim on you when you didn't need to.

It is not so much that I declared I would never marry but was just something that
I was afraid would never happen. I had come to realize dad did not love me and I vowed at that young age to do whatever it took to make him.

Yes, I did allow my parents. more specifically my dad, to control me but that was out of need.

And I do not know how to explain that other then to say as an only child and no real family other then the parents that I could talk to. Friends were such as approved of by dad, when Iwas still in school and none that would be a threat that would pull me away from him or the 3 of us.

I was so very shy and learned a very hard lesson that I dare not defy him, (at least not so that he would know) or there would be physical abuse. I was brainwashed and kept very down and always at an income level of just about federal poverty level or minimum wage which meant I must live at home because I could not support myself... and had no one to encourage me to do things differently or to tell me how.

In my mid 30s, my mom... (not birth, as she died when I was a teen) (dad remarried) I struck out for independence and did it very poorly. My mom, had become my best friend by then... a stopry you do not want to hear, but mini explanation is she married the wrong man... my dad... and he was controlling her to a point also.

When I was making a stake for my own life it hurt her badly, and she pulled away from me and into her own shell.... Not that she wanted me to be kept as I had been but she would be all alone herself then.

I was the only person she could comfortable do anything with such as shopping and movies and such or dad would blow his top for the most innocent reasons.

I HAD NO MONEY TO MOVE OUT.... I HAD NO FRIEDNS TO MOVE WITH.... SO I HAD TO LIVE AT HOME...

So I prayed to God for a solution that would get things right with me and my mom.

I told God that I would stop trying for a life of my own... that seemed to be hurting everyone from my mom, dad and me... if he would just bring my mom back to her old self....

HE DID... With in a week and this was after months of her barely talking to me

It did not matter to me... it really didn't cause I cannot exist when I feel guilty
and I was feeling very guilty and selfish at that time.

So I turned to God.... big time. For 24 years.......... After which I did a little backsliding, but am woprking on that even as I write this.

2003 dad died. I do not miss him and I do not go to his grave... He is not there anyway.

And after the dust settled I told mom I wanted to see if there was someone out there for me. Not that I was going to desert her, because she has some health issues and needs me for some things.

The local scene is not really there for singles so much around here. I am way too old to go the bar scene, and would not do that anyway. No church groups and the local singles clubs for older people are ... well lets call them mating clubs and not necessarily a walk down the aisle if you know what I mean. Even on the travel clubs the boys and girls will share rooms....

So I turned to the online end..... I have joined and had profiles on at least 15 or 18 E-Harmony / Christian Mingle types and 4 different pen pals sites.

Yes I did meet a few.... very few... ( never got to the in person stage)

All the while I was doing this route I was hit with one road block after the other
that kept me from much time to devote to a search. A lot of that is personal and I
am not posting it here.

But those that I did find that seemed to be someone that would be good always found some fault with me such as

...I cannot relocate, and they could not either or did not want to.
... I have a mom to care for and they want to be sure I am only 100% dedicated only to them
... I am a strong Christian and that makes a lot very nervous
... I need to be able to support myself,

or

... Even on the Christian sites, a major pull away happens when I would
say no sex before marriage.

Dotterofzion you said..

        I also think what makes loneliness worse is when you do not feel needed by anyone. You can fill this void by volunteering.

Yes, feeling needed is important... I am needed by several older people.
My life has been on of caring for or helping to care for old and sick people.

This is part of my road block in searching and I am happy to do this. I believe it was my calling... my reason to be born as it were.

But does not help when those times of wanting strong arms around you holding you, are not there.

As to not being too old at 60... that is a correct statement, but I am 66 and will be 67 in May.... All dynamic have changed.

But I am still looking... and I will keep on looking..

DaveW... you said  "First off - repent and RENOUNCE in the name of JESUS that decision at age 7 to not marry."

I more or less have done that... but what of my prayer and promise to God that I would not seek a life of my own if He brought mom back to her old self in my mid 30s and He did it?

And now that I have tried for years I keep getting roadblocks.... That is not my doing.... could they be from God for me breaking a promise to him?

JohnDB You said "She's happily married to a nice husband..."

If you are referring to my relationship with Jesus and He is my husband...
I am happy about that, and He is far more then nice.

If you are referring to a mortal man... There is no husband in my bed and no one I can warm my feet against.

Chosenone you last posted

"If you mean she is married to Jesus then OK, but she isn't married to a guy, and sounds anything but happy. In fact she says herself that she is "bitter and depressed"."

I am bitter and depressed.

I have prayed since I was about 20 years old for God to bring me my husband.
47 years and never even got close.

I am looking at the next possible 15 years as mom will most likely live another 15, cause dad remarried a younger woman and she is only 13 years older then me. Her sisters live into their 90s.

But her side of the family has basically nothing to do with us because of dad, and the fact that I am not "blood". I cannot count on them for anything.

In fact... pouring salt in a wound... I was excluded from her side of the family just this past Saturday when one of her nieces had a Christmas party for all the cousins and they came from California and the central part of the state yet it was
only by the slip of her sisters tongue that I learned about this party.

So, I am just basically all by myself....

I do not need medication or a shrink to help me cope with what is fact.

I will live with it.

I know God loves me... That will be enough.

[chosenone]

With respect Rella you did say in your first post that you KNEW at 7 that you would not be able to marry. That is a declaration you made over yourself.
Also the fact that your mother become happy again was almost certainly not because God made her, but because you made that decision not to leave. She knew that. You were trapped in a net of your own making, firstly by allowing your controlling and mean dad to trap you, and then allowing your mothers neediness and unhappiness with the man she CHOOSE to marry, and CHOOSE to stay with despite his cruelty.

I dont believe God wanted you to stay in that abusive home a moment longer than you needed to, and I am sad that the two of you didn't decide to leave him and set up home together, even though that would still have left you tied to another needy person. Once your father died, you then choose to stay with the lady even though she wasn't that old herself, and could easily have coped alone or with her families help.

However that's past, I know a lady who was on a Christian dating site for 7 years before she met her man. I waited 2 years on a dating site before I met my husband. It can take time so don't give up, and even if you dont meet that special man, its good to have contact with others.

Another thing is forgiveness. You do need to pray about  forgiving both parents, and also to forgive yourself for all the bad and harmful and unhealthy decisions that you have made in your life. Bitterness and depression are often because of unforgiveness and anger at those who have hurt you. Yes they have both acted very selfishly towards you, but you did allow them to didn't you. Such people always need enablers to be able to act the way you do.

  Unless you mother is very feeble and sick you don't need to live with her, you can still be independent if you want to, and she needs to learn to cope alone as well.

Do you have any sort of life of you own now away from the demands of others? Could you have regular holidays away on your own or with a friend? Do you have a social life away from your mum? Hobbies? Clubs? Learning something new? A choir you could join? New people you could get to know and make friends with? The thing is that these thing don't come to you, you have to go out and find them.
IN the UK we have something called the 'The third age' where there are numerous clubs, opportunities to learn, and activities for those who are 50 and above. I am sure that the USA must have many such things running. I know 2 older Christians who met their spouses in walking clubs, and even if you don't, you get to have good healthy activity with nice people.

[Rella]

Chosenone, thank you.

In reply to your reply perhaps I can clarify some of why I have had the thought pattern I did all my life.

You said... "With respect Rella you did say in your first post that you KNEW at 7 that you would not be able to marry. That is a declaration you made over yourself."

Perhaps saying I knew is an inaccurate way to describe what I came to believe at age 7. As I stated I was the product of The Father knows Best era which encompassed a lot of different shows at that time of strong moral and family values.

I also was an avid reader of children's books such as the Bobsey Twins... and in all of these were young children, my age and younger who were starting on their life's journeys and experiencing wonders that I was denied because I was never allowed to. Period.

I would ask if I could do such and such and was always told I was too young...

Even such odd things as crossing the street "WITH A SCHOOL GUARD"... I was too young.

But the worst was never being able to be alone with classmates away from school. My birth mother always had to be present.

And when I would ask why I could not go to a school mates house to play that they always had to come to my house, my birth mom would tell me that something might happen to me at their house.  Once I  countered with what if something happens to them at my house and I was actually told that I was loved more then they were and their parents had another child if something happened.

Not going into it ... but I was an accidental birth.... and the folks made sure there would be no more.

This keeping me from others extended well into school years, and even when I went on to further education I could not stay at a dorm... money was sited as the reason... I had to commute. And I could not question this or face dad's wrath.

I dreamed of myself off on my own in an apartment with a girlfriend... but how the heck was I going to find a girlfriend for this I had no clue.

And then the old double standard talk was done in that it was proper for a young man to leave home and sew his wild oats but a proper lady stayed at home.... until she married. That no young man worth anything would go after someone
who was not a proper young lady....

But back to my age of 7 declaration.... My dad had a sister who had 2 kids.
One my age and one a year older. When they came to visit one holiday we kids got to playing the child's card game Old Maid. For what ever reason I ended up being the old maid twice and the cousins taunted me that I was going to be a spinster and nothing I could do about it cause I had no freedom. On and on they went and they went home and I ended up in tears.

So that age of 7 things I guess came stuck in my mind and when I was not alone
with anyone to be able to talk to and learn and ask questions how could I do anything?

After I graduated and got my first job my dad kept harping on that I owed it to my boss to stay there, with little chance of advancement or salary increases because he was the only one to give me a shot within 6 months of graduating.

It also was a place with little opportunity to meet anyone.

Dad had a way of making me feel guilty of wanting more. ( hindsight showed me that was a way to keep me with little income and living at home.) but that first boss did sexually abuse me by fondling me for a couple of years until I could manage to get him to stop... He told me that if I said anything that I would not work in my field in another store, and if I had told them at home... #1 It would have been ALL MY FAULT... girls were always the provoker of these things, and then I would have been able to leave that job, but was afraid boss may be right and I would not get another job and never leave the house unless I did.

As to dating... Dad never approved. My new mom would cover my back when I had the occasional one, but that was not very often.

You said... "Also the fact that your mother become happy again was almost certainly not because God made her, "

God did not make her happy again. He created a situation that got her thinking about something other then our spats and he became her old self again.

Actually it was this situation that made dad mellow out also. But is too long to go into here and not relevant to my posts.

You said...  "You were trapped in a net of your own making,"

I admit this is true... I was very dependent but had been "trained" that way and had no options without any friends to help me and no idea of what I could or should do.

You said... "I dont believe God wanted you to stay in that abusive home a moment longer than you needed to, and I am sad that the two of you didn't decide to leave him and set up home together,"

Early years she thought of that and talked to her one brother. He put his foot down and told her to stay put. She wanted to borrow some money from her to get us set up but he said no.

You said " Once your father died, you then choose to stay with the lady even though she wasn't that old herself, and could easily have coped alone or with her families help."

By the time my dad died she had lost the central vision in her left eye  due to seeping blood as a result of diabetes 2 damage and a horrible ophthalmologist who told her he had been monitoring that eye for years but did nothing because she had "one good eye." Yes, he said that... and he was supposed to be tops in the city. I was present when he said that to her.

At the time, she could have coped, yes, once her mourning period was over...
but her sisters would offer little help... You see, she is the outcast of the family in a way. Truthful statement.... her family is the most disfunctional of any I have ever heard or read of. She dared not be in their presence with out dad or me with her because they could twist the truth of what was said that was so convincing but so false that she needed a witness for the first half of her marriage to dad.

Example... dad was a widower... birth mom only marriage he ever had.

The family, to this day, believes he was divorced and mom married a divorced man
and they do not believe me about that at all cause the "family" knew something
from when they first married.

When she married dad, he was Presbyterian and she Roman Catholic.

She joined his church because of me so I would be raised properly and that was a terrible thing in the families eyes.

Now our specific church voted and has become an Evangelical Presbyterian and her family actually thinks we belong to a cult and it is just crazy.

An amusing side story is the one sister had a daughter, also Roman Catholic, who was seeing a young man who spoke in tongues in his church...he was explaining this to the daughter one day and her dad overheard it. (BTW the dad was Jewish) Her folks  could not wait to get her away from this young man. Very sad as she also never married and passed away in her 50s from ovarian cancer.

You wrote. " even if you dont meet that special man, its good to have contact with others."

I agree, and it certainly has been a world of entertainment at times, even not meeting Mr. Right....

You wrote... "Another thing is forgiveness. You do need to pray about  forgiving both parents, and also to forgive yourself for all the bad and harmful and unhealthy decisions that you have made in your life. Bitterness and depression are often because of unforgiveness and anger at those who have hurt you."

It is funny because up until a couple of years ago I never thought about my life
much until I questioned things that kept coming to mind.

What you said is very accurate and I am trying to get over it. But there are those moments of loneliness and that is when the bitterness and memories come in.

The forgiveness I have trouble with because to me forgiveness means that you give the other person a pass, and I just cannot say in my heart that it was okay.

You wrote..."Unless you mother is very feeble and sick you don't need to live with her, you can still be independent if you want to, and she needs to learn to cope alone as well."

Since my dad died in 2003 I have had the following with her.

She is not feeble however, as mentioned before she has no central vision in her
left eye.

In 2007 she developed spinal stenosis and ended up part of the year needing to be pushed in a wheel chair until she had her back operated on in early 2008.

My own business came to a screeching halt in 2008 over the economic collapse in the US... ( I make custom made draperies and things for the home which requires disposable income.)... and it has been quite a struggle for me but as things started to improve, mom got to the point of once again barely being able to walk from severe groin pain and many doctor visits and a few years passing to find out what is what... she had to have a total hip replacement just this past October.

During the walking problems she had issues with her good eye and one day blood flooded into it requiring many lasering sessions to clear that. When that happened she was sitting in a chair and because of it she could not see.

Now she can see to read, and she will drive short distances, but I will not let her drive a lot on her own as there is no telling if something can happen to her
sight when she is driving... and I do not want to go into her vertigo/dizzy problems that are not middle ear... which is the next health issue for this coming year to try and get a solution to.... you get the idea....

So if I live out of the house, I still would be here a lot... because whether I want it or not, she does need someone and I am the only one.

Anyway... I will keep on my search... and I do appreciate your points, I appreciate everyone's points.... it has given me much food for thought.

[chosenone]

Can you get some home help for your mum? in the UK she would probably qualify for that. Have you looked into what help she may be able to have?

Forgiveness isn't easy, but one thing that I heard once made sense. Forgiveness isnt taking the people who hurt you off the hook, its taking them off your hook and putting them onto Gods hook. 

I understand its hard. I  have had to forgive people who hurt me and my children terribly, but its so worth it.

A lady I know who was sexually molested by her father for many years put it this way. "When I made that decision to forgive him, it was as if I came out of a dark cold cell into a beautiful colourful garden.  Life had been grey and then it became colourful".  She also made a decision not to let her past ruin her future.