Seeking sound wisdom and advice, impossible situation.

[Ringless]

Hello,

Never in my life have I been put in a situation faced with a decision and circumstances so incomprehensible or benign that I am at a loss as to what the best thing to do is.  My story is long, and I hope you take the time to grab a coffee or tea sit down, read it, absorb it, perhaps put yourself in this situation with your own significant other(figuratively of course) and I pray that you provide me with some guidance or advice.

My Christian background, I am saved as I have accepted Christ as my savior when I was 20, I have read the entire Bible back to front, yet not much of a church goer so fellowship is a weak point for me.  Also accept that I am a sinner and am not perfect as our Lord Christ is.

Praise God and thank you,

Very confused, not sure what to do, and would love to hear some advice if any is willing to help.

I am currently in a relationship with a woman, I am 34, she is 28, and we have a 14 month old child. Relationship started out with a lot of love, laughter, and many nights of drinking – not to the point of getting drunk for me at least, yet her tolerance and weight is low therefore she got drunk plenty. It's a misconception to say that because people will think in admitting that, that the entire relationship was a drunk fest, when it was not. Every DAY we were sober obviously, and we did not drink to the point of drunkenness on her part every night, however it was probably half the week.

She was getting a divorce, and I asked in the beginning if there was any chance she would go back to her husband and she said no, this was before ever kissing her, so before dating, relationship, or sex. I wanted to verify that because if there was a chance she would go back to him I did not want to get hurt obviously and would have left it alone. I can guarantee this as I was, and still am in college and was about to move away to a different state when we met.

Skipping through time here – I told her I wanted to get married someday; she did not want to get married for a very long time. I was in college; she already had completed an Associate's Degree. I also told her I wanted to have a child someday, one child would be fine, just a simple, marriage, family, job, do not have to be rich, just the basics of life. (The sharing dreams discussion). She did not share many of her dreams, if any, yet after a few months of dating wanted to have a child with me. She got her IUD taken out and 6 months into our relationship she got pregnant.

The relationships rough moments stemmed from one thing, her massive insecurity. She would accuse me all the time while I was online doing my college work, asking/accusing if I was talking to other women, etc. I said no, I have no reason to cheat, she was fantastic and enough. She basically looking back seemed very unhappy yet would not schedule time together and let me work on my college 2 hours every night which I needed to without thinking the worst every time.

The relationship continued on its course of generally up time, down time was fights from insecurity, old pictures in my phone of an ex-gf at a dinner for her birthday party; I deleted them after an argument. She was jealous of other girls that I was friends with on face book that I had no connection to or never spoke with, etc. Just extremely insecure, and so odd because she is a beautiful woman; however studying some psychology in college I am aware that insecurity and self-esteem do not all relate to a person's looks.

Before she got pregnant she once got drunk with some friends kissed another guy, and a different night she was out with friends she did meth. I told her not to be messing around of course, the other guy she kissed while drunk, a mutual friend pushed her away because he had a gf, whom he later married. Told her as well not to do meth ever again, and she claims she never has.

We had our child in early November.

23 days after we had our child, we went out with some friends for a double date; eat at the restaurant than we went to the bar. Due to having an "amateur" DUI in my past on a high school 10 year reunion I vowed never to drink more than 3 beers without going home right after. That night we drank at the bar, and she ran into a friend from her child hood, 4 years younger. I told her after my 3 beers that I was ready to go home, she said one more beer and then she would come. I said I am ready to go now, she said one more beer, I said ok, and then she never came home that night.

She came home the next morning told me she went to an after party and fell asleep, since she had done this once during her pregnancy, and one time the night she got drunk at a friend's house where she claimed nothing happened, I had already told her the next time she had done this I was going to leave her. Yet the 2nd time was during her pregnancy and I could not leave her then, and her mother verified she was there, and here I am, our son is not a month old, should I just leave her now because she partied all night? Of course not.

2 days go by and everything is back to normal in my world, and another fight happens on our back porch late in the night and my gf suggests we end it because of our not getting along. She did this many times in the relationship when her insecurity was going wild and she was being relatively belligerent to deal with, and each time we talked it out and it was ok. Well I was annoyed, yet shrugged it off like another time where we would go to bed and work it out the next day. I went to bed laid there and said I do not understand what the problem is now, she told me the real problem was that the other night she didn't come home, she was having sex with that guy all night.

Bomb dropped.

Fast forward to all those things you research like you don't want to hear details, there are phases you go through, worst emotional hurt, etc, and it's like...how do you respond to that, enough detail was given right there.

I got up out of bed, went back to the porch had another beer, I was sober because my tolerance was high back then, and I was thinking what the hell am I going to do? My son is 23 days old, there is nothing I can do.

I honestly thought about it and decided I would do something I have never done before, which was forgive AND stay with the person. I have not been constantly cheated on, I think only 1 – 3 gf's of mine ever had in my past, so it's not like I'm chronically unable to keep a faithful spouse/partner, and in reality I feel cheating is a choice.

Regardless through talking it out she seemed grateful at first that I would stay with her as she seemed remorseful. However I tried to go to work that week, and honestly took two days off as it was just a horrible feeling to experience. Then each night she seemed a bit stranger like something was up, she told me she wasn't sure if she wanted this or not, she balled to her mother about it, and her mother told me that she hopes I do not leave her, yet if I do she understands. On Friday night, after telling me the previous Sunday night/Monday morning, she decided she wanted to be with that person and not me. She went and spent the night with her sister, while our son was being watched by family members.

The next morning I woke up, she was laying in our bed after coming home in the morning, and I started getting my clothes on to leave and she asked where I was going. I told her I was leaving because we ended this, she changed her mind, she told me she wanted me to stay, and that she had pulled up to that guys house that morning and left, she could not go see him, and did not see a future with him.

Short story – she cheated on me 23 days after our son was born. I have actually heard of this happening to one other couple and that the female cheated there to, I personally think it's something inhuman.

We talked it out and came down to basically the fact that he raped her, in a sense of possibly date/rape drug, yet in reality that's doubtful, however she was so drunk she did not remember everything from that night she claims. She remembers some information obviously, however does not remember everything, and perhaps psychologically thinking of it as rape was something easier to deal with for me, rather than thinking of it as she wanted to cheat on me.

This is not about me, which is the case with cheating, yes I am attractive, good in bed, etc. It had nothing to do with that common misconception stuff that has nothing to do with cheating.

I did consider PTSD from having the child, the first week after she was drunk in the middle of the day one day and I thought that was weird obviously, yet I showed her love, and that night we went out I was giving her a lot of attention and caressing her, showing her I loved her, and I was taking her out. While PTSD could be the case I did not know what, and we just ended it with, there was no affair, she was raped, end of story I will try to Forget, as I had forgiven her, and decided to stay.

Things were kind of tough for a month, Christmas went by, and she got really sick with her Crohn's and was hospitalized over the New Year. After that she switched from alcohol to weed as that was something that would not affect her Crohn's negatively, and she could do that instead. She smoked almost 3 – 4 times a day, before, during, after work, she worked at a pizza place, co-workers smoked.

I understand when you read further you'll look back and say I condoned this, and that is not true, the real issue was how can I control her without her telling me to leave?

Oh, I forgot to mention that we discussed new boundaries and rules, that she never drinks without me, and a week or two after we decided to work it out we got into an argument after going to a friend's house, drinking 3 beers, then coming home we argued, she went in the bathroom and called the guy she cheated on me with and told him she was going to go pick him up – he was at the bar. An argument proceeded of course outside of the bathroom, when she got out, who are you talking to; I grabbed the phone, etc. She could not find her keys is the thing, I had no idea where they were either honestly, and she was telling me it's ok she just wanted to give him a ride home, I said you are not going to give him a ride home. Telling me I could go with? Are you crazy that probably will not go very well on either part. Well she ends up giving up because she cannot find her keys, yet states the next day she could have just walked there as he lives a block over and a few blocks up the street, I have never been told where exactly, just know the street.

After that she was hospitalized after Christmas...back to story

At the end of January I caught her talking to her ex-bf of a decade ago, her first love via twitter. She also spoke to him on the phone and basically said that it was mostly legit, yet it had gotten close to the point of him hitting on her. I was out of a job Jan-Apr 1 because our last company closed btw, I was looking though, and had money stored up to cover bills. I told her not to be talking to him anymore, she said she wouldn't or that she would stop.

Over the next couple of months she brought up wanting to find a new place to live or a new house, I got a job in April, 1 – (April Fool's Day) you would think there is a hint or some weird coincidence to that. Yet, it was a good job, travelling outside sales, yet am home every night. Being stoned a lot she was not that argumentative to deal with, yet not all that overly affectionate. She was affectionate, just not extremely affectionate, which means nothing aside from saying sometimes when she was stoned I could not initiate sex or affection because she was so high.

During April I paid off a bill of her's from her divorce of $2000, for her and her ex-husband. They both have since paid me off, the same day that happened she thought she would go to South Dakota to see one of her best friends as we live in Iowa. Not the exact reward you would think you would get from a partner when you help them out in a big way, it was a collection issue. Not that I needed to get anything, yet see ya later I am going to see a friend in another state for a few days be back this weekend is not cool. It was a girl she was going to see, not a guy, and they were just friends – I told her this was an irrational decision, she is only thinking of herself, and she ended up not going.

I went to a training thing for my job to Wisconsin in April was gone 7 days, she was depressed, and I sent her flowers during that week as one of her friends died of a heart attack during that week as well.

Over the months she had been good about not drinking more than twice a month which is what we agreed to after February hit and she really wanted a beer, and of course there was no way to tell this woman no. I said twice a month, and only with me, never at bars or without me.

Her friend, a girl moves down the street two blocks away in May, she starts hanging out with her some more. Same friend that went out with us the first night she cheated. GF told friend that she does not drink anymore, told her why, I got angry and told GF to quit telling people about it, otherwise how we are ever going to get past this.

(These past months I had questioned my decision, yet felt I was doing the right Christian thing in forgiving and staying with her, and I was considering proposing to her in September. In End April/Beg May we looked at a house we thought about buying)

^ Back to the night we were just discussing, first it starts out small, it's a Friday where we were supposed to spend together, it was our night, one of the rules added after the first time(which was really the second if you consider the Kiss) in order to try and make our relationship stronger.

Remember as so many of us have read in articles about cheating, that if you can survive through it your relationship is a lot stronger.

She called me before I got home asking to go out with that girl to a sex toy party, with a bunch of girls. It was 2 hours, and I was like it was our night, yet she would just go and then be back. I agreed saying alright as long as it's not longer than that. I came home and she came right back after leaving because the party got cancelled she said. Then they wanted to drink, then they wanted to go to the bar, and her friend had said no bars, no guys, etc. Then her friend wanted to go get a guy.

I told her when I said I was pissed about her telling her friend about her cheating that this situation was getting more and more extreme. I said "look first it was not this not that, now it's all of those things, can you not see this situation getting more extreme and worse?" She said she was too high to handle this $#%^ and stormed out.

She came back with the girl after picking up the guy that the girl wanted to bring along. I told her, (because I was pissed) that I was not going to go to the bar with them. She said "so what are you saying, if I go are we breaking up." I told her "I am not going that is my choice, and you know the right adult decision to make". I said this while getting in the shower. I got out of the shower to a text message saying, "I am going to the bar with them, having 1 drink, getting our son from her mother's house, and then coming home."

She went to the bar, had 2 beers with them, picked up our son, went to Wal-Mart, waited in the van with the guy while the girl went in to get beer, and then came home. They came back and drank with me a bit, GF and I started making out in another room, the other two left, GF seen them and said wait I will give you a ride home, I went back to turn off my pc's music that was playing and noticed that she was gone. I was thinking, what? The girl lives 2 blocks away you don't need to give them a ride, I walked down there and could not hear anything on the bottom floor, went upstairs and opened a door in a room with the light on, girlfriend in bed with another man, not having sex, he was trying to put a condom on, she was just laying there.

Another bomb dropped.

If you're counting this is like 4 times being cheated on, Kiss, Cheating 23 days after son was born, talking to ex-boyfriend on twitter/phone calls, and now this.

The guy attacked me I had a knee injury that I had to go to the doctor for a few weeks later; however it seems fine, no long term damage, no torn acl, or damage. I left after that, she got her clothes on and came home as I told her to before the altercation.

That night we argued, then while drunk she demanded sex, and I gave it to her. Next day she goes down there and apologizes to that guy because the other girl ended up having sex with him that night, and picks up some of her friends after I left the house to her crying. The girl had tickets to a concert and said he wanted them and my gf decided to deliver them to his house. I found out later that in both cases it was about finding out where they live (my conclusion thought, not her's), the friends went with her and verified that she didn't do anything just told him she could not be friends with him on face book anymore as I told her to delete/block the last guy. She later called me because she wanted me to come back and talk. She had to go to work and said that if I was home when she got there that it would be great, and if not, she would understand.

Well I came back while she was at work, I had no different clothes yet did want to talk about this and try to figure out what the hell is going on.

The demands or stipulations were different this time, never to hang out with that girl again, as usual no contact with other person, no alcohol again, no drugs, done, and she is going to sign over custody of our son to me or I am going to take her to court and it's over.

She still smoked weed, and had it in her system, over the week, like last time each day she ebbed more and more away from this crying I want you back person to "I just want to be single", "I want to see what's out there", "I just want to have sex with that person one time". Each day it seemed like there was someone else to talk her out of it, a mutual guy friend, a girl friend of hers, and her mother on Thursday told her she should get sober and think of what she wants. The week I took early days to go home and work from home or try to think, and sometimes I would just have to talk to her because she was stoned and putting me through her post week torture is what I call it.

On Friday I get texted I love you, hope you are having a good day, I was with a client and could not text her back. When I got home she had given me her password prior to this of her email and I went in and checked it as I had been throughout the week, and found out she had talked to that guy on Friday/that day. After dropping off her two boys with her ex in the town they live, she went to meet this guy in the town he lives in with our son who is only 6 months at this time. I forgot to mention, the weekend she cheated, as not much happened yet it's still cheating and is being naked in bed – that was mother's day weekend. I know it's a psychological thing for people to relate trauma to dates, yet son not even a month old, and Mother's Day weekend is like some kind of horrible movie that you could never have even envisioned someone could have come up with.

Moving on, I called her after seeing the emails and asked her where she was and she said why, I said have you been talking to him, etc. she says yes, and that I know what she wants, just one time. All night long heart racing, I'm drinking beers, I got one sole purpose, just come home so I can break up with you, honestly that was it. She goes to see him, goes to her pizza workplace, goes to her mother's house, goes to that girl friend's house, and then finally comes home, argument erupts, she had been deleting all of her text messages to him on her phone while she had been sending them – claims she did nothing except kiss him 3 times. I grabbed her phone, apparently grabbing her shoulder in the process; she tried choking me, typical love story.

She said at one point, so I should either lose custody of my child or stay in a relationship I don't want to. I called 911 twice as I was going to turn her in for the QP of weed in the house and the fact that I did not smoke it. She could not have that though because if so, she might lose a court case and all of her children. I call my mother, only person I can rely on at midnight locally to come over and get me, I had been drinking as I said, was not going to drive and wanted to get the hell out of there.

My gf cried and screamed for me to call her back, not sure why, think it was because of her possibly thinking we would go to court, she would get drug tested and would get found out, and lose custody of our son. I called my mother again, she was already in town stopped by, and finally sat down and talked to my gf and explained to her about how that lifestyle will destroy herself and at a certain point you have to stop hurting people because you could only hurt yourself and you could get AIDS or other diseases from other people.

After the smoke clears here we are, we are 13 ½ months since the first bomb was dropped. Since then she went on a religious revival, wanting to go to church, we had to talk to a church friend about this, her pastor, start going to church regularly, she started to eliminate things in her life that she thought of as sin. She wanted to stop smoking weed of course, and she wanted to stop having sex. At that point I was a bit miffed, I will admit saying why don't you give up smoking and make-up to, so she did right there. However she bitched a lot about the makeup thing. The sex thing went away as we had discussions about people picking and choosing their sins in life, which really is what people do, they self-justify their own actions and choices unless they have advice, wisdom, or knowledge to back up a good choice.

We went to another pastor looking for therapy assistance and he did not give us promising advice, saying he has buried people like her. Two therapists have both said that they are surprised that either of us are still together, this was one of them.

I forgot to mention that in exposing of the second event it actually made things A LOT worse, meaning I felt like someone was chosen over me. She was not wasted this time, was not taken advantage of, she went down there with the intent to cheat. I also did a delete retrieval of her email and found out that in February she was still talking to the ex-boyfriend even after she agreed never to talk to him again in Jan. Worse yet, the first event which I brought up to re-discuss was not rape of course, she remembers a lot of it, she was extremely drunk from hard liquor yet believes she went to that guys house with the intent to have sex, intent to cheat. She cannot remember for sure she states, yet in her state of mind back then, she believes that is the case. This poisons the first event even more now that she made a bad choice and wanted to sleep with someone else without care or concern of her relationship or family.

We started reading the bible nightly, church on the weekends, there was some disputes here and there, and I finally put in for the custody agreement in July, she signed it, which really shocked me. She basically said she was using that as a way to show me that she actually loves me, and she gave me her word she would do it, as I said I am taking a leap of faith in staying with her in the off-chance she does not cheat on me again so she should take a leap of faith as well.

She found a third therapist, a woman from the city, a church/therapist professional psychiatrist, and would see her one on one weekly. She went to her about 4 or 5 times with me going once, I explained the story as I have here, and the psychiatrist was of course horrified with the "welcome to fatherhood" comment of being cheated on so soon after birth, and she was very surprised why in both cases, especially the latter she went to go see the person after she had decided she wanted to be with me. That was confusing because, what do you want? GF explained to me that she went in both of those cases because she wanted to see if there was a possible relationship there. Which tells me plain and clear; you do not want to be with me!

She thought that there was a diagnosis/disorder she had, did research for 11 days straight while I explained we have to spend time together, not just sex of course, yet spend time of some sorts so that our relationship stays strong during this therapy process.

Even in the beginning of this process my thought was that I was so sick of families that keep splitting up and children growing up with divorced or parents that are not together, my parents are divorced I have no memory of them together divorced when I was 7(memory block?). Yet during the timeframe she was seeing this therapist she got a phone call one day from them, and was talking on the phone with the woman and I was not home yet she let our 8 month old son fall off our 4' tall bed. This moment is where things mentally changed for me; it was as if I felt fearful for my son. Why would you not keep your main focus on him, this was still before she signed the custody agreement, yet at that point I was literally thinking I need her to sign this and get the hell out of here to keep him safe. I honestly was scared.

At this point and after she had signed that document I did have a thought process one week it just popped in my head, that I really can do whatever I want, because what can she do now. Yet that went away, I nearly corrected myself and my thinking immediately as I do not want to just go out and cheat on her, or do drugs, or be wasted all the time, and I can become unfit if I am out of control and would not be a good example for my son. Therefore I kept myself in check and remembered that of course "power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely".

However at this point I really started to wonder what are the chances of us really getting through this? I've been cheated on horribly multiple times, I've learned in talking with her, searching for root cause she said that she cheated on past boyfriends with the thought process that when "she seen that they were hurt, that she realized they really cared for her". I honestly thought she was psychotic after hearing that, or not psychotic yet it was one of the cruelest things I had ever heard.

She also cheated twice on her first love and in one of the final weeks still with her husband she cheated on him, and then left him within 2 weeks of that. Within 1 week of being back she started sleeping around with someone in a different town, and around a couple months of leaving she met me. She also cheated on the very first boyfriend she ever had since they both were virgins, she did this so that when she had sex with him she would know what she is doing and would not feel self-conscience about it. That to me is insane.

I apologize if those quips seem like insults to her, yet I am being honest with my thought process.

Over the past 8 months things have been up and down, now of course she wants to totally get married, and wants to move into a new house as soon as possible. To me these are psychological reassurances for her that I am going to stay and marrying her while I have been committed to her for 2+years or through all this crap makes me think it's just because she wants power over our son again. (If we get married, the custody agreement is gone, and if we divorce we have to fight for custody unless she concedes.) After meeting with another therapist he said that she did the things she did to try and medicate a problem that she has, that one actually gave me some hope. However that was back in June, and before some of the recent things I wrote. In August the day before our two-year anniversary we broke up and while discussing it, she went crazy and punched me in the face while I tried to open the French doors to the bedroom. Balled up fist to the face/nose, now we have further abuse.

She is very argumentative and we have stopped reading the bible together because even though I have read the whole thing, and she has not read half of it, she is a zealot in my opinion and acts as if she is holier than though or more so a case that she feels she is religiously superior like her belief is the only one that is correct. Meaning if you actually did something religious the way she said it, she probably would tell you "but if you had this thought or feeling you would be perceived better in God's eyes."

The simple questions are obvious; I am typing this at work. This situation has impacted my job here, my last job I found out when my son was 5 days old the company was shutting down so none of this had to do with anything. I think about it almost every day whether I should be with this person or not.

I struggle so much with so many thoughts and questions:

Am I codependent of this person's self-destruction?

Am I somehow the bad guy because she signed custody over of our son and I might leave her, not living up to my word for once in this relationship?

This is absolutely leveling me on a biblical scale because God hates divorce, well we aren't married.

Forgive other people; I do forgive her that does not mean that I have to stay with her though.

My biggest problems with this are that I am a purist, I feel like she is impure, in that I do not want to share my woman/wife with anyone else. Who would? Of course. However the argument is then, well she has slept with people before you met, that's not the same thing though < yet when I debate that with myself, I question is that my pride talking? Or is this a case of, can this person be loyal to anyone she is in love with?

I forgave her once for one of the most horrible things you could ever do, and then you do it again or somewhat, halfway, close enough, foreplay, when is enough, enough?

Just go with faith, marry her? Ok, I have issues with reward here. It seems as if I do this, especially very soon after this happening she is awarded for cheating on me multiple times. How is that the wise thing to do? Her even bringing it up in discussion over the past few months has been mind boggling to me.

I think one part of this is that I have to accept the fact that the pity I feel for her and in us semi-breaking up about 5 times over the past few months, yet getting back together the same day is an issue that she did this to herself, it's not my fault and she made her own choices.

Another major problem is that everything she has done with me, she has now done with others, therefore making it seem not special to me anymore. Because those were things that we were supposed to do together, not others; I was even tempted one time by her before all this, she had a good looking friend of ours there one day and asked if I wanted a three some with her and the other woman, like 3 – 5 in the afternoon, I said "no, because that could possibly mess up our relationship." I was even tempted before all this, and I wanted that girl before I got with the girl I am with and I still said no. Unbelievable maybe but true, do not see the point of threesomes, maybe I am odd or something however it does not turn me on.

Another major issue, I'm just not proud of her, she has brought shame, hurt, and pain to our families, our son whom has no idea about this, her kids from her previous marriage that are attached to me. For two years now I have watched her kids while she has worked, prayed with them at night, gave them baths, cooked with them, played with them, put them to bed, you've heard all this before. They are not even my children and I treated them as if they were my own, no gratefulness whatsoever.

I have literally gone through almost every scenario in my head of leaving/staying and so many biblical issues that I am at a point where I am so confused. I feel the answer is to leave, yet to stay and overcome all this, would it really make us stronger? Is this me showing my faith and great compassion, or am I nothing but a fool and her doing it that time in the summer, is that not a large warning from God, saying "hey, this is not the one for you" – remember I was strongly considering proposing to her in September and we had viewed a house to buy a few weeks before that.

She has been frantic at times and scared when we have talked about breaking up; she has gone through depressive states and cried a lot of tears over this. Yet I wonder is she upset at herself, her life choices, her mistakes, the way she hurt me, etc.?

Now we both are in a situation where the other person wonders do they really love me, or is either of us staying only because of our son?

Another thing that is driving me crazy is Romans 12:19, discussing the Wrath of God and how we should not get our own revenge and leave that to God. I understand that and do not feel I am getting revenge if I did leave with our son (joint custody – majority). However I sometimes think that he is going to punish you for this, and I wonder while I know he does not need me to do it, whether I am somehow a piece of the puzzle because I subconsciously know about what the Bible says on the subject, and yet that makes me double think it like, no, if I leave it has nothing to do with God punishing her, that's just me making the decision to leave a person like this. Totally lost on this, yet worry because I know what it says in the Bible that I do not want to be incurring my own revenge, I do not think I am though – as yes since this has happened I am more tempted to cheat, yet I have not, and I do not want to. I would like to be married someday sure, yet I do not want to cheat on them, or they cheat on me. I want what I cannot have, the woman that I met, that did not cheat on me. She told me she had the baby with me because she thought I would love her more because of it; I loved her in the first place, told her that all the time, kissed her every night before bed and every morning before I left for work. I had 3 weeks to show her I loved her more apparently before she decided to cheat. I also think this revenge thing is possibly overblown because even if I leave or stay good or bad things will still happen in both of our lives regardless, his sun and rain falls on us all.

This is a big one to, because if I do just try to move past this and keep going with her, I feel these events of cheating have trivialized our sex life, meaning that sex is like exercising something we can do with anyone, and it isn't special or private. I know sex is way more important than that, yet if I stay I feel like I am condoning cheating and I do not.

I feel like she is sort of an abuser, and honestly when this mother's day fiasco happened I told her I think she is going to realize that through this process that she is going to find out she probably does not want to be with me and that she really does not know what she wants in life.

Whatever I decide affects our son, her two kids, herself, the families, and I feel like I am carrying around a decision that is impossible to make.

I just sit there and wonder after all the things she has done, how can she actually love me? It's almost a fatal love where it seems like she loves me when she feels like she can't have me or worries she will lose me, yet when things are good then she takes it for granted and does not care about it as much. My mother and step-father brought up the yo-yo effect.

I've read some things on this site and heard some responses, about moving on and 1 healthy parent is better than 2 unhealthy ones, as there have been arguments in front of the 6 yr 4 yr olds, I told her one more of those and I am done, I have said that twice though, of which she has broken past that border that was set.

I feel such compassion and pity for this person, yet I also feel it's just time to put the foot down, I know it's going to hurt me, I have lost love before, and raising a child is a very hard challenge as a single parent. However at what point do you grow up and start following agreed upon rules that are healthy for those around you? If you cheated on your very first boyfriend ever, at what point do you realize that hurts people's feelings and you should stop doing it to have a successful relationship?

It's also to me become a situation of we cannot just cut and run when things get tough in relationships, however at the same time there comes to a point where it just should not be this hard. Everyone will argue in relationships, good times and bad times in marriages, yet an early relationship 2years or less, a child, multiple infidelities, drug abuse, violence, this overall does not look like a winning combination, or is the best yet to come? Hard to be hopeful amidst abuse.

I have even thought of the selfless act of just letting her have majority custody of our son and me leaving, the Jesus approach I kind of call it, where I martyr myself in a sense. Basically giving the person who has sinned horribly against me the greatest love, sacrifice, and yet I debate that Jesus already sacrificed himself for all of us including myself that am I progressing in faith by doing that or being self-destructive to try and act holy for my own self-acknowledged spiritual growth? I even feel this is dangerous because there is absolutely no guarantee the moment I walk out the door that she does not revert to a crazy lifestyle and endangering our son.

At the same time I have never seen someone try this hard to get me to stay with them, which is flattering, however could be for ulterior motives of wanting to stay together as a family(image), son(her needs), monetary($100/month child support) that I have not made her pay since this started.

The day before thanksgiving there was a bad argument, and after Christmas there was another argument that turned into a 6-day once a day argument of which she slept in another room of the house for 4 days. Since coming out of that PMS state, she has been cold and standoffish, claiming she has not felt very well, and that she has been really tired. Yet even the small things I am not seeing like last night she gets home from work and does not give me a kiss, comes and lies next to me on the couch and then gets up and goes to bed. This morning she was lovey, wanting to be cuddled and kisses. I just feel like she is losing passion, and I admittedly have not tried as hard as each month during PMS time she gets emotional it turns into an argument or possible break up and the up and down rollercoaster scares me. It's like let's get off the ride or stay on it, make up your mind. This last time she literally said this time she did not feel anything in regard to us breaking up and since then we have had sex twice, and it's been good, however I feel she is still distant, she used to watch movies with me and sit by each other and now it's like she does not even care if we are next to each other or not. It's as if she's checking out, and if that is the case, then I understand, she is not patient enough for me to heal through this and has not been. Maybe I will heal as a person yet our relationship is not salvageable.

She even said in one of the last discussions she does want to get married again someday whether to someone else or myself, and while she recanted the someone else, she really does want to get married again, and because I have not healed from these traumas fast enough I am now getting the cold shoulder which in turn is not going to get a good reaction from me in the let's get married department.

One last thought on this, if I was the woman and not the man, there is no chance that anyone would say stay with the guy, especially if I had punched her. I would be shunned by the church and be perceived as some evil jerk.

80% of websites say you do not tell the other partner if you had a one night stand, because all you are doing is releasing guilt on them that is yours, and you should take it to the grave. I agree with this, I suspected nothing even the first time, because I thought she was an adult that could make good decisions and I thought she would not cheat on me. I was wrong. So now I get to feel pain because she told me, try to work through this crap, and was hurt over, and over, and over again. Am I just harboring an abuser?

I feel her insecurity stems from Delusional Disorder, and I think her disorder is HPD or Histrionic, yet her mental health specialist says OCD, I do not see that as she is not very organized, and I do not mean clean, she is fairly clean, or can clean, she just is not that organized even when clean like filing cabinets that just are not organized. Losing phone constantly, not scheduling, planning, or being a perfectionist.

I read somewhere that infidelity is the most emotionally hurtful thing you can do to a spouse or loved one, well I then thought when looking at the bible, what is the physically most hurtful thing? It can't be death because you would die and that is end of life. So let's say its deadly assault like being stabbed with a knife and surviving. Ok if I was to ask should I stay with someone or give them a second or third chance after stabbing me once or twice, no sane person would say to do that. You get the comparison I am doing here, it makes no sense why we should say adultery/infidelity is ok and stabbing each other is not. I told this to my gf once, I said ok you say you love me, and could forgive me for anything, she's even suggested that if I cheat on her she is going to forgive me because she deserves it; back to point I responded to the former with "if I shot your mother and killed her, you would not forgive me, and even if you did you would not stay with me in a relationship", she said "you never know", I said that's crazy. No one and I mean NO ONE WOULD DO THAT!

She also told me that she read an article (month ago) about a guy who always fantasized about being eaten alive by a cannibal, and he actually did get killed this way, someone killed him and ate him and that guy is in prison for life, so our relationship is not really that bad, there are others who have it worse out there. She honestly said something to that effect near verbatim, and while that is pure insanity, there are some who have it worse, Boston Marathon bombing, suicide bombings, terminal diseases, etc. and I feel for them, yet this is my life and what I am currently being exposed to. I do not hope for bombings in order to say cheating is ok in my relationships.

The main reason I am writing this now is because if I do decide to leave stringing her along is not what I want to do. I genuinely care for her and if she wants to go find someone else or get married someday then I do not want to prevent her from that.

Church has been another major influence where nearly 1 year to the day of her cheating we went to church and they talked about how Joseph was going to divorce Mary in secret when he found out she was pregnant, thinking like any man in the world would, that she cheated on him obviously. Doing it in secret though would let her live, as if it was exposed back then she would have been killed for it. In essence saying that Joseph was doing the loving thing in trying to hide the fact of Mary's infidelity or supposed infidelity, as of course this was the one case in history of immaculate conception. Which was a real eye opener, it was as if it was ok for me to leave if I wanted to, as if I had some legal and religious right now to back it up – ironically one year to the day, as it was a Saturday last year, and a Sunday this year 2013.

I also took that Child in the middle class as I have to when you sign the custody agreement and they stated that sharing custody or one week at one house and one week at another is not good, as the child does not get a true foundation of home. That is not a good option then.

As well I do not want this to be something fake, where they stay together for the kids as they said studies show this is not healthy for the children and they often figure it out on their own that their parents are not happy.

Which also begs some other questions, if I won a million dollars would I stay with this woman? Probably not.

If we had no mutual child right now, would I stay with this woman, and the answer is a pure no. I do not think she would stay with me either, however she has recanted this many times saying she would want to.

It's weird because for a few months she was fairly argumentative and belligerent even while being in Christian "mode", it was nasty and annoying. Yet now I seem to be in a position where she is trying very hard to make me happy, I think to get me to marry her, yet even though I can get things like sex, or whatever I want really, and her helping around the house more, I do not abuse that power over her. I am just aware consciously that it is possible and if I was evil could exploit.

Another thing came up in church, that do we want God to catch us right now if we are sinning, if this was the end times, like a teacher returning from the hallway to the class catching students misbehaving. I bet she would not being in the situations she was in, yet now we are still having pre-marital sex because both of us want to, picking our own sin, and I do not wish to cause sin against her. The temptation to cheat is there because she has trivialized the aspect of love and sex in this relationship, yet I do not want to do that because it's wrong and hurtful.

I have told her I probably will not marry her and while that could be seen as a current psychological state of mind, it might not be forever how I feel. Which is why I have been slow and cautious with this situation, trying to remain calm and truly examine this; I have never been hurt by anyone so much in my life so I am truly amazed by the person, not in a good way. Yet I just cannot seem to see myself marrying this person because I do not look at her the same way. Yes I see the girl I fell in love with, however she is not the same, what she has done is wrong and it has really messed us up to put it lightly.

I have felt anxiety, a great lack of peace, and overall disgust for her at times. She's a beautiful woman, I can get laid whenever I want and honestly sometimes I just think...I don't really want to. Why not give my love to someone who is actually going to appreciate me?

Then comes in the fact that we have a son together and that complicates things.

Then the pastor retorts just as he said the previous line with, "yet it's always going to be there". That's really reassuring. Every movie you watch, jokes about sex, people cheating in movies, constant reminders.

How can you rebuild trust in a situation like this where she has repeatedly cheated, lied, then in the following week went to see the people to the point of considering breaking up both times, claims she did nothing with either of them except kiss them both in their second meetings. Cheat, I want you back, go see them and torture me with how much you want them, and then give up after a week and stick with me. Yet she loves me more than anyone else in the world, how do you believe that?

Another major thing that pisses me off is that she is a Calvinist or was a person that believes everything happens for a reason. Our pastor, the pastor of her church does not agree with it, I have researched online; most people do not either, found an online sermon that gave great detail as to why it is not true. Yet she has said a few times she is grateful for what happened for where she is today, which erupts into a fight because I say "you did not have to do those things to come back to God or self-improve your life". She has since come to agree with this in saying no she has not had to do those things, she could have come back to God and living a better life by her own choice, which is the problem with all of this, her choices.

In the months since we have noted while sober as I rarely ever drink anymore, if I do alone at home, maybe twice a week, 2 – 3 beers, maybe 1, she does not at all. We have noted that she really has no interests; she claims she does like arts & crafts, reading, religion, yet that's it. I have interests, movies, books, magazines, news, NFL, fantasy football, college, tech, video games, etc. It's as if she has Histrionic disorder and Delusional in the basis that the latter she thought everyone was always going to cheat on her, including me, she told me she literally prayed for a husband that she knew was not going to cheat on her and God answered her prayer with her first husband, she said she knew he was never going to cheat on her, and the former as she has almost all the characteristics dramatic, sexually expressive in bad ways, has to be the center of attention, make up is a big issue with her, and a HUGE lack of identity. She has said in one of her PMS states that if we break up she is considering being a flight attendant so she can travel and give up her other two kids to her ex-husband. She claims this because she says she has to be prepared in case it does not work out. You are never prepared, if you actually care about someone, you are going to be hurt, so you can never be prepared including myself.

I honestly think she might be happier that way. She grew up, love of life at 17, broke up 18 after getting clean at a churches conference, bf was a druggie. She then goes to college, meets her future husband there, marries him so she can have sex with him after 3 months of dating, has a family with him as she thought she wanted one, and then through the issues they had, him having a porn addiction he went to get help for, and her claiming he was too controlling after 5 years she left without giving it a chance to fix things. It's as if she has never sat down and really analyzed what she wants in life.

It seems like there is no good decision here, if I stay and things go well for me in life, she is rewarded for her cheating ways while I remain faithful and honorable to my family.

If I leave my son might have a happy life yet will see his mother only on the weekends and summers.

If I stay and get married she gets the possibility of taking my son away from me, and honestly that is what bothers me most, I wanted the opportunity to be a father, baby songs in the crib, changing diapers, etc. I got 22 days of fatherhood with joy before this. I feel she has stolen it from me, and it's kind of cruel to the extreme.

If I leave I become an advocate for not condoning cheating, and yet a single parent.

If I stay I become a potential floor mat to be walked on and hurt again.

Even if everything went great and we got married she could get some wild makes no sense hair up her butt thinking she should be a travel agent during a midlife crisis. No stability.

Please people look at me to here, is it my own state of mind that is the problem? I pity her so much, and have great compassion, yet she hurt me and it's disgusting, you do not do that to other people. I just cannot stand the idea of someone having intercourse with my gf, it is not theirs, and now it seems it's no longer mine as she gave her body away. Is it my own arrogance in thinking I can fix anything that is making me stay?

I feel that perhaps the issue here is that I honestly want to stay yet know the best decision is to leave, and that probably is what is mind screwing me here, it's like having to slit your best friends throat. Perhaps I have Stockholm's syndrome or I am siding with the abuser in that, keep going it will work out, while I wait for her to crush me again.

If you read this, thank you so much for your time and effort.

Thank you to anyone who offers any advice, suggestions, thoughts, and complaints, whatever.

EDIT: I was sent a PM with a question, PM's apparently I am not allowed to send yet, so I cannot respond.  The question, do I have legal documentation that I have custody of our son?  Yes, I have legal signed papers by her, and I, and a notorized attorney, presented before a Judge in the State of Iowa, and was accepted.

[Helen]

You are claiming Christianity and living in contradiction to that, shaming the name of Christ.  You have had sex with her, had a child with her.  You OWE commitment and marriage to her -- and for the long term.  There are a lot of people who will disagree with me here, but you have taken this woman, lived with her, and certainly not obeyed Christ in any sense of the word in your relationship with her.  Yet, if you claim to be Christian, you should marry her. 

Sex, by the way, is for marriage, not for any other time. 

[chosenone]

Wow what a total mess. After I read this I thought "are there actually Christians who really live like this, in such a self inflicted mess?" "Do they let their poor kids live in such a horrible home with drugs and abuse and drink and cheating going on all the time and not protect them?" Unbelievable. My only concern in this is for the only innocent victims, the children.

You are right in that if you were a lady people would say take your son and go. I would say the same thing to you now. Bring him up as a single dad and give him a settled and good and secure upbringing which he has none of up till now. He is still young, and he may not have been too badly affected by the dysfunctional and unhealthy mess that is his present family.

This lady is a serial cheater(and not just with you but with every man she has even been out with), a drunk, a druggie, a liar, a deceiver and an abuser, as well as being paranoid and apparently on a path of self destruction.  She is also very selfish and seems to be unable to live any sort of good or normal life of just being a wife and mother. I cant imagine what those poor older kids have had to see and experience over the years, and it will have affected them and it will carry on affecting them. I am very surprised that they haven't all been taken away long before now, and if the authorities knew about their home life, they would have been I am sure. Maybe that would be best for them anyway.

You arent blameless either. You have made appalling decisions, even allowing this lady to dictate to you when to have a child, even though you werent married, and even though you were both in a mess and hardly going to be good role models for your child.
You moved in with this lady knowing that she has cheated on every other man she has even been with, and yet you were surprised that she cheated on you? Really? Why is that?
OK you have finally stopped getting drunk(at last), but you still think its ok to disobey God by living together and having sex with a woman you aren't married to, and no we don't 'pick our sins', that's hardly the right thing to do.  You allow the children to stay with this woman, even though you know that they must be learning all sorts of ungodly and damaging behaviour, and even though they are round a very unstable dysfunctional person as well as being exposed to drugs, drunkenness and abuse.  Also if you carry on having sex with her, knowing that God says don't do that, what does that say about your faith? About your integrity? Your morals?

I feel for the other children as well, because if/when you leave they will be left alone in a very harmful environment, but in a way that isn't your problem because they have a father even though he doesn't seem to be bothered or he would surely have done something by now.

My advise to you would be to leave this very dysfunctional and abusive home with your son, start being a real man at last, and a good father, find a good church and get some good teaching and fellowship, and stop thinking you can just act exactly as you like. Being a Christian is following Him and His ways, not acting exactly like the rest of the world does.

I am not saying that this lady cant change, God can change people if they are REALLY willing to let Him, but in this case it would need to be a MASSIVE change, and until she does(and she may never do) marrying her would be a disaster in my opinion. If you do stay, you may well end up with this same mess to deal with all your life, and by then your child will be damaged beyond repair, and may well end up a mess like her as well, maybe on drugs, sleeping around, drinking to excess, getting women pregnant and being abusive. Either way you shouldn't be living together at all right now because you aren't married.
She is quite honestly a total mess. She may be trying to blame her low morals and bad behaviour and bad choices on an illness, but in the end its sin pure and simple and what we ourselves choose to do or not do. We like to blame other things for our own bad choices rather than admit we have simple made a mess of our lives all on our own.

Honestly if I could, I would pluck kids like this from homes like yours, and give them to good families who will bring them in in a stable, secure and loving home.

You have some serious choices to make. You have made some disastrous ones so far, one being to choose to be with this woman at all, let alone having a baby with her.  Your child and his wellbeing comes first always in situations like this. You have full custody now so you can do this. 

Sorry to seem so unsympathetic, but you chose this life, and you chose this lady, you chose to move in with her, and you chose to have a baby and bring it into this very messy relationship. People can only treat us how we allow them to, and you have let this lady run riot in your lives with no consequences. Sadly children have no choice who they live with. You do. Your child is your no 1 priority now, so man up and do all you can to keep him safe and away from those harmful influences, and start having some integrity and decency and good common sense.

[Nevertheless]

Ringless, you say you are a Christian, but tell a story of wallowing in sin. What does being a Christian mean to you?

[TonkaTim]

EDIT: I was sent a PM with a question, PM's apparently I am not allowed to send yet, so I cannot respond.  The question, do I have legal documentation that I have custody of our son?  Yes, I have legal signed papers by her, and I, and a notorized attorney, presented before a Judge in the State of Iowa, and was accepted.

It was me that asked that question. To me that is a central point in finding your solution. Which leads to this question:

What is in the absolute best interest of your child?


The first & foremost thing is for you to be in submission to God and His prescribed ways of living so that you can be the best possible Dad & role model for them. You now  unfortunately know, first hand, where living outside God's prescription for happiness leads.

God wrote something on my heart a long time ago. A couple decades ago I opened NIV Bible and fell open to it and I chuckled to myself.  It's the best advice I can give to another man. It is in Isaiah 56:

1 This is what the Lord says:

"Maintain justice and do what is right,

for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed.

2 Blessed is the one who does this— the person who holds it fast,

Seriously stick with Him. Do what's right & you can't go wrong.

I think the best thing to do is get yourself right, then do right by your child.


I hope I don't sound cold because I mean it in the most loving way.


edit:

Let me add this. What you are going to go through is not going to be easy. It's going to be hard. You're going to be dealing with this for several decades & your child is going to be dealing with it for the rest of their life.

[RoninJedi]

Ringless,

First of all, I feel for you in this situation.  I really do.  This is one of those "so crazy it can't be made up" stories - and I've lived through a few of those, myself.

I will try to keep it simple and try not to bash - marriage will only ruin both of you as people, and that will trickle down to your children.  All of them.  I'm no psychologist, but I think she definitely has some sort of mental issue going on.  Drawing on my own personal experience, I would venture a guess that she has Bipolar disorder - most likely coupled with bad experiences or teaching from childhood that have resulted in a woman who lives as she does.

But you, sir, are a bit of a hypocrite.  You puff yourself up for doing the Christian thing and forgiving her.

That part is true.  Don't misunderstand me.

However, you are using the Bible only when it suits you - only to point out all of her flaws and blatantly ignoring the fact that sex outside of marriage is fornication, and fornication is sin.  You ignore the concept of sin itself, saying:

"The sex thing went away as we had discussions about people picking and choosing their sins in life, which really is what people do, they self-justify their own actions and choices unless they have advice, wisdom, or knowledge to back up a good choice."

You distorted the Word of God to make sure you could keep getting laid, plain and simple.  I'm sorry to be so harsh about it but let's not beat around the bush here.  You are just as much a manipulator as she is.

Both of you have some serious growing up to do - not just spiritually, but emotionally.  Neither of you is ready for a relationship, and I question whether either of you is ready to be a parent, but that part is no longer an option.  Walk away now before this gets any worse.  You are a parent now, and you have to do what's best for your son regardless of how it makes you feel.  And watching his parents tear each other to pieces, literally and figuratively, because neither one of them can dislodge their head from their backside is definitely not what's best for him.

Get into a solid, Bible-believing church.  Study God's Word.  Reading the Bible front to back is awesome - there's not many Christians who can say they've done that.  But there's a big difference between reading and understand - and I feel that your understand is lacking.

Get into good godly counseling yesterday.  I will be praying for all of you, but if you don't break the cycle, it will never break itself.

[End Times Guru]

You are claiming Christianity and living in contradiction to that, shaming the name of Christ.  You have had sex with her, had a child with her.  You OWE commitment and marriage to her -- and for the long term.  There are a lot of people who will disagree with me here, but you have taken this woman, lived with her, and certainly not obeyed Christ in any sense of the word in your relationship with her.  Yet, if you claim to be Christian, you should marry her. 

Sex, by the way, is for marriage, not for any other time.

OWE commitment and marriage to her?  Seriously, probably one of the more asinine comments I have ever read on forums.

Compounding sin with stupidity is hardly something one should do, especially with a child in the mix. 

Should he as a Christian marry her, so when she cheats again, he can biblically divorce her?  I am married, and I know if my wife cheated, did drugs, and was negligent as a mother, I would swiftly file for divorce and sole custody.  Not only for myself, but for my child.

[Faithful]

OWE commitment and marriage to her?  Seriously, probably one of the more asinine comments I have ever read on forums.

Compounding sin with stupidity is hardly something one should do, especially with a child in the mix. 

Should he as a Christian marry her, so when she cheats again, he can biblically divorce her?  I am married, and I know if my wife cheated, did drugs, and was negligent as a mother, I would swiftly file for divorce and sole custody.  Not only for myself, but for my child.

Whew!  Thank you for talking sense there!  I cannot believe anyone would suggest he marries a woman who is incapable of being faithful, who's taking drugs and seemingly on a crazy road, to who knows where.  How would marrying her fix any of that?  It would only mean the poor child is exposed to even more crazy, crazy behaviour.

The gal seriously needs help, and outside of God (and a very good therapist), there is very little hope for her....but change IS possible.   I strongly suggest what the others have said too - get out, take the child and start getting your own life right before God, and away from this crazy, toxic whirlwind.   The only way there is a future, is if there is a great deal of healing in both lives....but marry her?  Ouch....no...no....no!