She won't talk, only text

[needrescue]

I guess this is where I say I don't know where to start, so I'll start at the beginning. 

My wife thinks I was having an affair with one of my employees.  The employee is new, young, and we texted (sent and received) 600 times a few months ago.  My wife and I were having other communication issues in our marriage, and after going through the phone bill, my wife is now blaming these problems on my having an affair with my employee.  The thing is, I never had an affair.  Not only did I not have the ability to (no time/place), but I don't have the desire.  Here I am, some two months later, and my wife causes me of sneaking off to meet this person, that I love her, and that I've been having sex with her, all of these being false. 

My wife won't talk to me, she'll only text or email me, usually that despite the fact that I still give her butterflies, that I need to move on.  I've tried talking to my wife, she won't talk.  I tried counseling, she won't go. It breaks my heart that the woman I love thinks I'm lying, and she won't communicate with me. 

Please, I need help, I need your prayers. 

[chosenone]

I guess this is where I say I don't know where to start, so I'll start at the beginning. 

My wife thinks I was having an affair with one of my employees.  The employee is new, young, and we texted (sent and received) 600 times a few months ago.  My wife and I were having other communication issues in our marriage, and after going through the phone bill, my wife is now blaming these problems on my having an affair with my employee.  The thing is, I never had an affair.  Not only did I not have the ability to (no time/place), but I don't have the desire.  Here I am, some two months later, and my wife causes me of sneaking off to meet this person, that I love her, and that I've been having sex with her, all of these being false. 

My wife won't talk to me, she'll only text or email me, usually that despite the fact that I still give her butterflies, that I need to move on.  I've tried talking to my wife, she won't talk.  I tried counseling, she won't go. It breaks my heart that the woman I love thinks I'm lying, and she won't communicate with me. 

Please, I need help, I need your prayers. 

You sent and received 600 texts with a new young lady at work, and wonder why your wife is upset and doesn't trust you???Why should she, you have broken her trust and deceived her. You have been very foolish. At the least you had an emotional affair.
Give her time and pray, and make sure you never act that way again.
She will hopefully come round in time. Presumably you aren't living in the same house at the moment?

[needrescue]

We are living in the same house, sharing the same bed.  She just typically ignores me.  Things had been going well, then about a week ago she just started giving me the cold shoulder...

[chosenone]

How long is it since she found out about all the texts?
What did you send her the texts for, and what did you say and what did she say?

[needrescue]

Mostly work stuff, the "other person' is a new employee, would ask lots of questions during her shift.  She'd also ask some personal questions as she was dealing with an abusive bf, and many of us at work knew she was better than that.  I told my wife I'd stop, that I could see how it could be inappropriate, but none of the texts were.  I have since stopped texting this person. 

The initial confrontation was just shy of two months ago.  Since then we've taken a family birthday trip for my one stepdaughter, mostly good, with the exception of my wife blowing up, and telling her daughter and I to just go on the trip without her, then we all came together in forgiveness. 

[chosenone]

Mostly work stuff, the "other person' is a new employee, would ask lots of questions during her shift.  She'd also ask some personal questions as she was dealing with an abusive bf, and many of us at work knew she was better than that.  I told my wife I'd stop, that I could see how it could be inappropriate, but none of the texts were.  I have since stopped texting this person. 

The initial confrontation was just shy of two months ago.  Since then we've taken a family birthday trip for my one stepdaughter, mostly good, with the exception of my wife blowing up, and telling her daughter and I to just go on the trip without her, then we all came together in forgiveness. 

#

I just cant believe that you/she needed 600 texts simply to ask a  few questions about work and for her to talk a little about her relationship. I am not really surprised that your wife doesnt believe you, I doubt I would either.
Some advise, never talk to a work colleague of the opposite sex about personal things ever. The fact she may or may not have a nice boyfriend is none of your concern. You may have stopped texting, but you are still working with her, and I am sure that must concern your wife greatly.

I wonder if she has a close friend form church who can talk to her and help her through this time?

[Nevertheless]

Hand your phone to your wife so she can read the texts for herself.

[chosenone]

Hand your phone to your wife so she can read the texts for herself.

If they havent been deleted.

[AVZ]

Typical female thing.
Get all upset and jealous about some text messages, which are in quantity likely to fade away compared to the amount of messages and telephone minutes made on her own phone.

If nothing happened, then nothing happened.
Just ignore her. She will turn around.

[DaveW]

Hand your phone to your wife so she can read the texts for herself.

If they havent been deleted.

My phone can only hold about 200 texts.  (less if they are rather long)

[chosenone]

Typical female thing.
Get all upset and jealous about some text messages, which are in quantity likely to fade away compared to the amount of messages and telephone minutes made on her own phone.

If nothing happened, then nothing happened.
Just ignore her. She will turn around.

So you thunk its ok for a married man(or woman) to be sending 400 texts over a short time to a young single person in their work place? 
Also not always true of women. I only text my kids and that only about once a week.

[chosenone]

Hand your phone to your wife so she can read the texts for herself.

If they havent been deleted.

My phone can only hold about 200 texts.  (less if they are rather long)

Yes its unlikely that he would have kept them, but I think its unlikely that they were all completely innocent. How many questions do you need to ask about work? Especially when you see that person every week day anyway?

[AVZ]

Typical female thing.
Get all upset and jealous about some text messages, which are in quantity likely to fade away compared to the amount of messages and telephone minutes made on her own phone.

If nothing happened, then nothing happened.
Just ignore her. She will turn around.

So you thunk its ok for a married man(or woman) to be sending 400 texts over a short time to a young single person in their work place? 
Also not always true of women. I only text my kids and that only about once a week.

I don't care even if it was 1000 messages.
If nothing happened, nothing happened...and if there is no affair, then there is no affair.

What do you want to do? Set a maximum message limit for your husband?

[chosenone]

Typical female thing.
Get all upset and jealous about some text messages, which are in quantity likely to fade away compared to the amount of messages and telephone minutes made on her own phone.

If nothing happened, then nothing happened.
Just ignore her. She will turn around.

So you thunk its ok for a married man(or woman) to be sending 400 texts over a short time to a young single person in their work place? 
Also not always true of women. I only text my kids and that only about once a week.

I don't care even if it was 1000 messages.
If nothing happened, nothing happened...and if there is no affair, then there is no affair.

What do you want to do? Set a maximum message limit for your husband?

SO if you wife was texting a young single man at her work dozens of times every day every weekend you are OK with that?

My husband doesn't text people from work, why would he.

Havent you even heard of emotional affairs? These can be just as damaging as physical ones according to those who have been through them .

[DaveW]

Chosen - IMO you are jumping to assumptions here.  There is nothing in the OP's posts to indicate that he was even emotionally attracted to her; or her to him; let alone an emotional affair.

There may have been something on her part; but if so, he seemed rather blind to it.

I take him at his word that as far as he knew, nothing happened.

[chosenone]

Chosen - IMO you are jumping to assumptions here.  There is nothing in the OP's posts to indicate that he was even emotionally attracted to her; or her to him; let alone an emotional affair.

There may have been something on her part; but if so, he seemed rather blind to it.

I take him at his word that as far as he knew, nothing happened.

Something made him want to text a young single woman back and forth 400 times. That is not the normal behavior of a married man with a single female colleague. I am sure nothing did happen physically, but there is far more to a relationship than merely the physical, and I am not at all surprised that his wife can no longer trust him. At the very least he was opening the door to one or both of them getting far too close emotionally to the other.

There are many books written today about how we need to set clear boundaries or hedges around our marriages, and the dangers of people getting too close to others of the opposite sex. I have seen far too many people get into affairs with people they have met at work, and marriages being destroyed as a result.

I think he has learnt his lesson, but it may take a very long time for his wife to trust him again.   

[AVZ]

Chosen - IMO you are jumping to assumptions here.  There is nothing in the OP's posts to indicate that he was even emotionally attracted to her; or her to him; let alone an emotional affair.

There may have been something on her part; but if so, he seemed rather blind to it.

I take him at his word that as far as he knew, nothing happened.

Something made him want to text a young single woman back and forth 400 times. That is not the normal behavior of a married man with a single female colleague. I am sure nothing did happen physically, but there is far more to a relationship than merely the physical, and I am not at all surprised that his wife can no longer trust him. At the very least he was opening the door to one or both of them getting far too close emotionally to the other.

There are many books written today about how we need to set clear boundaries or hedges around our marriages, and the dangers of people getting too close to others of the opposite sex. I have seen far too many people get into affairs with people they have met at work, and marriages being destroyed as a result.

I think he has learnt his lesson, but it may take a very long time for his wife to trust him again.   

With who do you spend more time?
Your husband or the internet?

[chosenone]

Chosen - IMO you are jumping to assumptions here.  There is nothing in the OP's posts to indicate that he was even emotionally attracted to her; or her to him; let alone an emotional affair.

There may have been something on her part; but if so, he seemed rather blind to it.

I take him at his word that as far as he knew, nothing happened.

Something made him want to text a young single woman back and forth 400 times. That is not the normal behavior of a married man with a single female colleague. I am sure nothing did happen physically, but there is far more to a relationship than merely the physical, and I am not at all surprised that his wife can no longer trust him. At the very least he was opening the door to one or both of them getting far too close emotionally to the other.

There are many books written today about how we need to set clear boundaries or hedges around our marriages, and the dangers of people getting too close to others of the opposite sex. I have seen far too many people get into affairs with people they have met at work, and marriages being destroyed as a result.

I think he has learnt his lesson, but it may take a very long time for his wife to trust him again.   

With who do you spend more time?
Your husband or the internet?

MY husband by far. He works most of the time from home so we are together nearly all the time.

[AVZ]

Chosen - IMO you are jumping to assumptions here.  There is nothing in the OP's posts to indicate that he was even emotionally attracted to her; or her to him; let alone an emotional affair.

There may have been something on her part; but if so, he seemed rather blind to it.

I take him at his word that as far as he knew, nothing happened.

Something made him want to text a young single woman back and forth 400 times. That is not the normal behavior of a married man with a single female colleague. I am sure nothing did happen physically, but there is far more to a relationship than merely the physical, and I am not at all surprised that his wife can no longer trust him. At the very least he was opening the door to one or both of them getting far too close emotionally to the other.

There are many books written today about how we need to set clear boundaries or hedges around our marriages, and the dangers of people getting too close to others of the opposite sex. I have seen far too many people get into affairs with people they have met at work, and marriages being destroyed as a result.

I think he has learnt his lesson, but it may take a very long time for his wife to trust him again.   

With who do you spend more time?
Your husband or the internet?

MY husband by far. He works most of the time from home so we are together nearly all the time.

Exactly.
Now imagine your husband is going to react the same way as the woman in the OP story.
He is accusing you of spending considerable time on the internet, even though he is around for you to spend time with.
And if you were to tell him that nothing is going on, he would simply say that he doubts you.

Because if you are really in to him, and appreciate him being around, you would not feel the urge to pop off 22,000 messages to total strangers in the past years.
Your message counter also is approximately 400 posts a month...similar to the message counter of the OP.

So if you think it is normal for the woman in the OP post to mistrust the husband...I suppose you would think it is perfectly fine if your husband would do the same to you?

[chosenone]

Chosen - IMO you are jumping to assumptions here.  There is nothing in the OP's posts to indicate that he was even emotionally attracted to her; or her to him; let alone an emotional affair.

There may have been something on her part; but if so, he seemed rather blind to it.

I take him at his word that as far as he knew, nothing happened.

Something made him want to text a young single woman back and forth 400 times. That is not the normal behavior of a married man with a single female colleague. I am sure nothing did happen physically, but there is far more to a relationship than merely the physical, and I am not at all surprised that his wife can no longer trust him. At the very least he was opening the door to one or both of them getting far too close emotionally to the other.

There are many books written today about how we need to set clear boundaries or hedges around our marriages, and the dangers of people getting too close to others of the opposite sex. I have seen far too many people get into affairs with people they have met at work, and marriages being destroyed as a result.

I think he has learnt his lesson, but it may take a very long time for his wife to trust him again.   

With who do you spend more time?
Your husband or the internet?

MY husband by far. He works most of the time from home so we are together nearly all the time.

Exactly.
Now imagine your husband is going to react the same way as the woman in the OP story.
He is accusing you of spending considerable time on the internet, even though he is around for you to spend time with.
And if you were to tell him that nothing is going on, he would simply say that he doubts you.

Because if you are really in to him, and appreciate him being around, you would not feel the urge to pop off 22,000 messages to total strangers in the past years.
Your message counter also is approximately 400 posts a month...similar to the message counter of the OP.

So if you think it is normal for the woman in the OP post to mistrust the husband...I suppose you would think it is perfectly fine if your husband would do the same to you?

Firstly, my husbands computer is right by mine, so he can see what I am doing at any time. Secondly I don't sent texts or messages to single men.

[DaveW]

Chosen is not the one on trial here.  What she and her husband do is not the subject of this thread.

Can we move on?

[needrescue]

Thankfully, someone believes me. 

As for the number of texts, this individual and I work for the same employer, different times/locations.  It's not as if we see each other every day all day long.  If anything, I rarely see her. 

Next, yes, I've learned a lesson.  No doubt it will take time for the trust to be rebuilt, and hopefully this group can share productive ways I can work on my relationship.  One way, I gave my wife my phone for 12 hours so she could see what I had, as well as any incoming texts for that time period.  I've also given her the passwords to several websites so she can see my traffic there. 

For those who are keeping score, my problem, poorly described, is that my wife refuses to talk to me.  She will text me, typically mean/rude/hurtful things.  But when I asked her to sit down, she made other plans.  When I asked her to go to marriage counseling, she refused.  The scapegoat for our problems is this texting fiasco.

What I'd like, what I'm asking for, is your positive thoughts, any positive advice, and most of all, your prayers. 

[k-pappy]

You sent and received 600 texts with a new young lady at work, and wonder why your wife is upset and doesn't trust you???Why should she, you have broken her trust and deceived her. You have been very foolish. At the least you had an emotional affair.
Give her time and pray, and make sure you never act that way again.
She will hopefully come round in time. Presumably you aren't living in the same house at the moment?

Who are you to judge??  That was overly harsh, and defamatory.  The man stated he did not have an affair. How about praying for him instead of lashing out?

[chosenone]

You sent and received 600 texts with a new young lady at work, and wonder why your wife is upset and doesn't trust you???Why should she, you have broken her trust and deceived her. You have been very foolish. At the least you had an emotional affair.
Give her time and pray, and make sure you never act that way again.
She will hopefully come round in time. Presumably you aren't living in the same house at the moment?

Who are you to judge??  That was overly harsh, and defamatory.  The man stated he did not have an affair. How about praying for him instead of lashing out?

Getting far too close to a member of the opposite sex emotionally is just as dangerous as a physical affair according to those whose spouses have done this. Most physical affairs start this way.
Would you think that your wife sending and receiving 600 texts in a short time to/from a single man was appropriate?

[k-pappy]

Would you think that your wife sending and receiving 600 texts in a short time to/from a single man was appropriate?

If it is for work, yes...most companies do not provide cell phones for their employees, but expect the employees to use their own.  I text female coworkers all the time.  If you looked at my phone bill, you would think I am a regular Don Juan.  If you looked at my phone, you would know I am really just a hard worker.

You should never judge anyone so harshly, but especially when you know nothing about their situation.

[chosenone]

Would you think that your wife sending and receiving 600 texts in a short time to/from a single man was appropriate?

If it is for work, yes...most companies do not provide cell phones for their employees, but expect the employees to use their own.  I text female coworkers all the time.  If you looked at my phone bill, you would think I am a regular Don Juan.  If you looked at my phone, you would know I am really just a hard worker.

You should never judge anyone so harshly, but especially when you know nothing about their situation.

He did say that only some were for work  and others were personal. It was clearly very unusual for him to have 600 texts to another colleague, and that why she cant trust him now.

He clearly hadnt told his wife what he was doing which was troubling in itself.  If you arent doing anything wrong, then you dont need to keep it from your spouse do you.

[k-pappy]

Maybe later on in the thread, but I am talking about your initial response.  No matter how you try to justify or rationalize your actions, no matter what excuses you come up with, it was wrong.

[SarahMckay]

Uh oh! I'm sorry to hear that! You always got to remember, god has a plan for everyone!

[needrescue]

Thank you for your kindness and support. 

[MrsKHicks]

I have to admit, if this were me and I was the wife in this situation, I would be incredibly hurt and suspicious regarding this situation. While I would try to forgive and move past it, I can imagine there would be times where these feelings of hurt and betrayal would pop back up. Days where I did not feel attractive I might ask myself if that is why you were talking with this person. Times when I did not feel sexy and turned you away from sex I might ask myself is you desired this other woman because I was not meeting your sexual needs. Dozens of little questions and insecurities would probably prompt memories of your assumed cheating and make me angry, bitter, and mad as hell.

If there were anyway you could show her proof of your conversations with this woman, get this woman, or another co-worker to attest to your relationship with her during these texts and since you stopped. That might ease her fears of a physical affair, however the proof of an emotional attachment is evident in 600 texts with another woman.

If not give her space, be super vigilant about your actions and the way they may appear to outsiders (especially her), as your marriage is not the only thing at risk here but your testimony and reputation. From now on same sex conversations without your wife involved should be avoided. Any situation that may appear questionable such as: work lunches with just you and a woman, phone conversations longer than necessary to provide work information, and any texts with this woman or other female coworkers, should be avoided.

Your acts broke her feelings of trust, and maybe respect and love, I think you need to repair the damage but it will not happen overnight, nor should you expect it to.