Can he be just friends with another woman?

[LeeAnnMichelle]

My husband is military and spent over a year deployed with this particular woman.  When he came home, I found him private messaging her on Facebook.  I was upset and asked that he no longer contact her.  I thought he had complied, but a year later I found out he had continued contacting her on his military email account, had invited her to join his linked-in account, and had donated a considerable amount of money to her for a charitable run she was participating in. On nearly all occasions, it was my husband who reached out to her.  After blowing up over all of this, he finally admitted he had also arranged to meet her for dinner months before on a business trip to her home town. He said both she and her husband met him for dinner, but I really have no idea. I suppose since he seems to have always been the instigator, this is possible.

His explanation to me is they were just "friends".  He said he was going to tell me eventually and didn't think it was a big deal. He didn't say anything because he knew I would over-react. He also thought we would all get together sometime. (ummm, no)  I'm having a very hard time believing all of this.  I feel so hurt and betrayed, and find it even harder to believe he does/did not have deeper feelings than what he's saying. He has apologized over and over and has apparently now cut all ties with her, but I just can't get past it no matter how hard I try. I know I need to forgive him and I've prayed for the ability to do that, but I keep hitting a wall.  I do love my husband, but part of me hates him for this. I think because I feel like he's not being honest about his feelings for her and his explanation makes no sense, but also because he has damaged our marriage and I no longer trust him.  What is your take? Am I reading things wrong? Would a man pursue a woman like this if they were just friends?

[Alan]

Hi LeeAnnMichelle and welcome to Grace Centered Forums.

This is a touchy subject, especially for the "friends". People can have friends of the opposite sex prior to marriage that they wish to remain friends with after their marriage but married couples need to respect their marriage first and the idea of an exclusive friendship needs to be extinguished. I would think that the friendship could continue providing the friend became a friend to both the husband and wife, that said not every spouse would be comfortable with those situations but hopefully those details are worked out prior to the wedding day.


In your situation your husband befriended this woman while he was married to you, perhaps it was a result of his military position abroad where it is common for people to reach out to one and other for reasons of loneliness, fear, alienation, etc. Anyway, my thoughts are that your husband should have made it perfectly clear that he honoured his  marriage and that the "friendship" may very well have an expiration date. As for him contacting her behind your back, that raises a flag for me and allowing that behaviour to continue will be further opening a door that may be quite difficult to close. Your husband needs to end this communication, his marriage is first and foremost and I highly doubt that he would be approving if the tables were turned.

I hope everything works out for you, God Bless.

[chosenone]

This is why I am a strong believer in clear boundaries with the opposite sex for married people.Things can so easily get out of control. A book that we both liked and found helpful is called 'Hedges' by Jerry B Jenkins. Its about loving your marriage enough to protect it.Maybe you could read it together?

Any married person must be completely open about any contact he/she has with another opposite sex person, and if they lie about it and get deceptive, then what does that say?

Whether he met her and her husband together on that trip who knows, but if he did then why didnt he tell you? You could ask her husband of course to make sure and to put your mind at rest. 

I can see how you have lost you trust for him, he lied to you for a long time and basically kept up the contact despite knowing how you felt. I suppose the only thing that will help, is if he can prove to you over a long period of time that he has stopped all contact and doesn't repeat this with anyone else. Trust is easily broken but takes a long time to build up again.
I also think he needs to be completely open with his email accounts, phone and other social accounts. This will help to rebuild the trust.  You could also say that there must be no more lies.

[Artyop]

I hate relationship like that, and I feel you!

[trevans1977]

Your concern is valid. I recommend putting your complaint in God's hands in prayer daily till the situation is resolved.

From my perspective, it would be hard for me to just be friends with a woman who I find attractive, so I will avoid situations of being alone like that. Even if I don't find the woman attractive I will avoid it because she may be attracted to me and that can cause problems too. I do enjoy having women as friends who are visiting while my wife is also there, mutual friends.