Christian Forums

Quote from: hopeforfuture on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 16:15:46
Phoebe and Chosenone I agree with many of your points. I've put up with it for years and years and years. I have no clue what to do about this one (of many) sins and problems in my marriage. Just when I think he may be truly repentant, we start all over again...sometimes only a week later.

And yes, Phoebe, it becomes total co-dependant behavior for the wife. I am in protection mode right now. Protect the kids, protect myself, protect all our relationships with God. I feel like there is a darkness always lingering in my house because of the porn to be honest.

I am sure there is a darkness as you say.There are evil spirits connected to porn. If a parent is into serious sin, such as porn, it does spiritually affect the spouse and children. You cant protect his relationship with God, thats up to him, but you can protect your children by not allowing it in your home. Have you ever seriously told him that if it doesnt stop you are going to seperate? Have you ever carried this through?
He needs serious help, and unless he really wants to stop, and has reason to stop(otherwise he may loose his family), then he isnt going to I suspect.
Have you ever been to the pastor or an elder with this issue?

Quote from: phoebe on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 15:35:04

In a marital relationship with a porn addict, there is no giving and receiving, either.  Only taking.  And taking.  And taking.  And taking.

Assuming the porn is kept private?  Nope.  It is usually brought into the marriage relationship at some point.  It evolves, kind of like a serial killer.  At some point the addict no longer can separate reality from fantasy.  They both become his (or her--women can be addicted to porn, too) fantasy.

And someone always finds out.

Hi phoebe,

That's just the thing - a porn addict is an addict, and their behaviors will be addict behaviors, whether that relates to the porn or whatever, or as relates to other people.  The porn addict is selfish, and will be selfish with their spouse.

And when I say "private", perhaps I can be more clear.  The porn experience in intended to be solitary, not communal.  More to the point, the porn addict "lives inside their own head", having an individual, not shared experience.

The shared marital experience is intended to fulfill sexual desires in the context of growing closer together.  The porn experience is intended to fulfill sexual desires while remaining isolated and individual.

And yes . . . truth does have a way of coming out!

Love in Christ,
Mark

Yes, Mark, well said. 

(Where you said "communal"  I was thinking "mutual".)

Quote from: hopeforfuture on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 16:20:49
And taking it a step further what do you all think about the "soft porn"? The reason I ask is because when my husband says he is doing well and not looking at porn, he for sure is still checking out images, videos and tv shows with girls in bikinis or raunchy sexual themes...like searching them out specifically. And I don't consider myself a prude at all so we are not talking about an episode of Saved By The Bell where Zach and Kelly kiss. 

Then when that just isn't enough, back to the porn.

Hi hopeforfuture,

That's just it . . . so called "soft porn" is just a stumbling block, a gateway back to the more blatant stuff.

The real problem is indulgence of the flesh.

For me, "doing well" means not only not looking at hardcore porn, but not looking at any sexualized images, whether TV or whatever.  It means not indulging in sexual fantasies, and not looking at other women in that way.  It means having my flesh lusts under control, and not setting myself up to fall by indulging my lusts "just a little".

"Doing well" means staying focused on serving God in loving (caring for) others.  It is in walking according to the spirit that we do not do the works of the flesh.  Simply putting limits on which works of the flesh are acceptable and which aren't doesn't cut it.

When someone really wants to be free of this stuff, you'll know.  Have you seen "Fireproof"?  I love the scene where he takes an ax to his computer.  That's what half the nation needs to do, in my opinion.  But if you really want to change, you do what you have to do.  And you won't have to tell others.  Other will see you change.

Love in Christ,
Mark

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 17:50:01
I am sure there is a darkness as you say.There are evil spirits connected to porn. If a parent is into serious sin, such as porn, it does spiritually affect the spouse and children. You cant protect his relationship with God, thats up to him, but you can protect your children by not allowing it in your home. Have you ever seriously told him that if it doesnt stop you are going to seperate? Have you ever carried this through?
He needs serious help, and unless he really wants to stop, and has reason to stop(otherwise he may loose his family), then he isnt going to I suspect.
Have you ever been to the pastor or an elder with this issue?

What chosenone said.