The Ring Two (R)

Interestingly enough, a ring does have a hole in it; a big, huge, enormous hole that we really don’t pay much attention to because the outer edge shimmers so brightly. 

Such was the case with the Japanese “Ringu” and its Americanized counterpart “The Ring,” but there isn’t just one hole in this follow-up. There are holes. Plural. They show up on the big screen more frequently than the “cigarette burns” that signal the projectionist to change reels. There are character holes, plot holes, editing holes, and big huge “ginormous” gaping holes that permeate virtually every scene.

In one of the most poorly written and disappointing sequels ever, Naomi Watts and David Dorfman are back, as Rachael and Haden respectively, to battle the evil menace Samara. Ever since Rachael let Samara out of her well all those years ago that silly girl has been up to her usual tricks with that crazy videotape. It’s still making the rounds. Remember? If you don’t make a copy and get somebody else to watch it within seven days, you’d probably be better off wandering around the woods looking for the Blair Witch with three aspiring filmmakers.

Which brings up an important point and hole number one. If Samara were the all-powerful evil spirit she seems to be, wouldn’t she be able to manifest herself on DVD? How come these rich kids still have VCR’s in their homes? I’m poor as dirt and my VCR is out in the garage collecting dust. It’s not like she needs a dual-layer burner. Her short film doesn’t take up that much space. Wouldn’t it be a whole lot faster just to burn a copy on your PC and pass it on? What gives? Is there something mystical and magical about VHS I’m missing here? Personally, I think Beta has a more Zen-like quality to it, but that’s just me and I could be wrong. Who am I kidding? Wouldn’t we all like to see eight-track tapes make a comeback?

From there the holes just seem to multiply. Simon Baker plays a newspaper reporter whose name might as well be Goose. Like his “Top Gun” counterpart, everybody should see his death coming from a mile away. Unfortunately, Baker’s character is so underdeveloped nobody really cares when he finally meets Samara face to face (so to speak).

Sissy Spacek makes a brief cameo and I couldn’t help but think that this is precisely what “Carrie” would look like had she been institutionalized low these past three decades. Elizabeth Perkins gives it her best shot, but it’s all nothing but a lot of hot air. Watts is a mega-talent and Dorfman blessed beyond his years but beyond that there’s not much to say.

Okay. So the bathtub scene is really cool. Let’s just leave it at that.

Give The Ring Two a CATV rating. There are a few special effects scenes that make it worth watching if you don’t have to pay a dime. Otherwise, watch something else.

From a Christian Perspective:

This film is suspenseful. The faces of the victims are shocking, but the movie isn’t graphic or gory at all. There are a few choice words, the choicest of which is saved for the climatic sequence. Don’t take the little ones but “The Ring Two” is probably acceptable for anybody looking for a good fright. Just don’t expect to get one in this film.